A Tricky Thing Called Trust

Question…how do you repair trust? Trust is a tricky thing. It is essential to any relationship, however it’s so fragile. Trust can easily be broken, scared, tainted, or shattered. Once this has happened what do you do? How do you fix it? Once something has been done to affect the trust in a relationship can it ever be fixed completely? For example if someone breaks into your house and steals your TV. You can get an alarm, replace the TV, but the feeling of violation lingers for quite sometime and you never have the same level of comfort you had before. Is the same thing true with trust in a relationship? Can people really forgive and forget or do we just forgive and try not to think about? I know that I am extremely forgiving. I can forgive almost anything, but I never forget anything. Even if I have forgiven someone depending on their action I never have the same level of comfort or trust for them I once did. Is it possible to go back to the way things used to be? And if so how?

More on Babies

Question...In a marriage, should the decision to keep or get rid of the baby be a joint or decision? Let’s say we're talking about a married couple and the woman gets pregnant. She doesn't want to have kids at the moment, but the man does. Is it right/ok for the woman to get rid of the baby against her husband's wishes? What if after baby number 2 or 3 the woman decides on her own to get her tubes tied without telling her husband? I know it’s a woman's body, but how much of a say does a man get in what happens to his baby (or future babies)?

The Baby Trap

Question...(well its really not a question because I already know the answer) is it ever okay to purposely "surprise" your man with a baby. This conversation is sparked by two things. The first is an episode of the Hills where Heidi wants a kid and Spencer doesn't. So she says "i was thinking I could just stop taking my bc and just get pregnant and surprise him...then he would realize how much he really does want kids". Now this sounds like a disaster and the two of them are married. The other thing that sparked this is a situation where a girl I know purposely got pregnant by her guy in hopes of taking their relationship to the next level...sadly for her it turns out to have had the opposite effect because the guy doesn't want a kid at ALL, they are no closer than they were before, and the whole situation is breeding resentment on both sides.

So I guess my ultimate question is…do women still think you can keep a man with a baby? We aren’t talking about the babies that are results of “oops” moments or contraception malfunctions. I’m talking about women (or men for that matter) who purposely deceive their partner into getting knocked up in hopes of having a happy ending (the figurative happy ending, not the literal one). And why in the world would you think that? Babies are huge strains on marriages, so imagine the impact it can have on average uncommitted persons. Not only that, do you really want a relationship that is thought about, brought about, or kept about simply because of a baby? Shouldn’t the person want to have a happy ending with you because of just you, not because you are having their (or they are having your) baby?

Married, but Maybe...

Question…is it ok for married people to make new friends of the opposite sex? This question comes from the past weekend. I met this guy that I thought was attractive. We chatted and danced for a bit then I saw he had a ring. So I said “so you’re married?” he says yes and asked me the same. After that I was prepared to say goodbye and walk away when he asked if we could have lunch sometime. So this got me to thinking all kinds of things. When it comes to marriage, where is the line? Is it ok for a married man or woman to accumulate new friends? If so what’s the procedure. Is it cool if the other spouse knows about it? Are you bound to only the friends you had before the relationship? Are you only allowed to make new friends of the same sex? Or only new couple friends? Is it possible for a married person and unmarried person of the opposite sex to be platonic friends? Do you think he would have gone home and said “oh yeah honey, btw I met this really nice girl today, we’re going to go grab lunch next week”. Or would he have kept it from her? The line just seemed so innocent coming out of his mouth like it’s not the first time he’s met someone in such a way. It wasn’t sneaky or adulterous but would it end up being sneaky and adulterous? Or could something seemingly innocent like lunch open the door for something inappropriate to happen and therefore such things should be avoided?

Just Fine on the Side...

Question…ladies in our singleness have some of us become desperate? This reflection comes as a result of a conversation I just had with my friend. She was dating a guy who displayed a great deal of interest in her, however he also displayed interest in other women. When she confronted him with the issue and stopped dealing with him he could not understand why. He told her that he wanted to date her and he didn’t want her to see anyone else. But he wanted to be able to freely date whomever he wanted… Her response was naturally “where they do that?” He just seemed completely baffled by the fact that she wasn’t kosher with such and arrangement.

This got me to thinking. This guy is thirty something, professional guy, so I’m sure he’s had a few relationships. I find it interesting that he was so shocked by my friend’s inability to accept such a ridiculous situation. Have the women he’s been dating gone along with such things? Are women these days ok with just being a side chick or one of many? You hear people say all the time “its so hard to find a man”, sadly this is not true. Similar to the famous words of Gucci “men are like buses, miss one next 15 one’s comin”. However men only adhere to the standards we set. Its common knowledge that anyone will only go as far as you let them. So it makes me wonder if many women have lowered their standards so much so that the average guy thinks he can pretty much get away with whatever he wants in a relationship.

And the women that do go along with such shenanigans…what ever happens to them? Can a man respect and truly love a woman that doesn’t demand respect for herself? Is it possible that the voluntary doormat will have a fairy tale ending? To my knowledge actual doormats end up getting so used and worn that they are eventually thrown out, is the same thing true for figurative doormats? Sadly I know too many women who have stoically put up with the lying and cheating of a man in the name of love (and insanity). In the end the man has either left them for someone else…or just continued to pull the same games over and over. So I ask is single and desperate the new thing for ’09?

Love at a risk?

Question...If you were told that if you got pregnant there as an elevated risk that you would die, but your SO really wanted another child what would you do? Hypothetically lets you had a child already, but it was a complicated pregnancy and delivery. After this your doctor told you that if you were to have to get pregnant again it would likely be a difficult pregnancy and you were at a high risk for hemreging during child birth and dying. However, your partners really wanted another child and you really wanted to give him one. Would you tell him no because of the health risks or would you take the risk because you knew it meant a lot to him? Would you feel some kind of way of the fact that he would want you to have a child given the risks to your health?

Concern or control?

Question... In a relationship at what point does a person's constant "concern" about your whereabouts turn into an unhealthy control? It is understood that when you get into a relationship there are certain courtesies you extend to your new partner. You let them know where you are going, you call on regular basis, things like that. But is there a line? I have an associate that has been with her guy for a while, he gets upset if she doesn't call as soon as she gets in the house or if he sends a text and she doesn't respond right away. If she goes out without him a few too many times he will get upset and tell her she's "acting like she's single". He likes to know what she's doing all the time and be involved in all her decision making. Now the two don't live together at the moment but they plan on eventually getting married. She is already beginning to feel smothered by the tight leash he keeps her on. I personally believe the grip will only get tighter as they continue their relationship. But what does she do. Is this just her man showing loving concern for her or is he a bit too controlling. Should she be endeared or concerned?

Its all good until someone ends up pregnant.

This blog isn't about any one specific situation, but rather a phenomenon that occurs in some men when they find out their woman is pregnant. Now I will start by saying this isn't a blog bashing men its not even meant to be a mean blog. And not all men will fall into the category of man I'm now discussing. But for the few that do...here we go. I just don't understand this particular thing. We all know the birds and the bees. We know that sex leads to babies. Yeah there is birth control, condoms, and all kinds of other stuff that is "supposed" to keep babies from coming, but may or may not work the way its supposed to. Bottom line if you have sex a baby could result. We also know that it requires two people to make this happen... a man and a woman.

Over the years, talking to friends and associates I've heard all kinds of stories about the man's reaction to the news. Everything from "how did that happen" or "well is it mine" or "what do you mean your pregnant" or "why would you want to do this" or "I thought you said you didn't want any kids". I could go on for days. The thing that gets me is, why is it some guys act as though they've been lead astray, hoodwinked, bamboozled when their girl ends up pregnant. Quite often when the act is happening the man has no concern about birth control they don't use anything don't ask about anything, they just want to get it in. I have one friend who had been with her man for about 3 years,he knew she wasn't taking birth control and neither of them put forth any effort in using contraception. So when she inevitably got pregnant she told her man and his response was to get upset and say "well what do you have to say about this" as if she's done something wrong.

I realize finding out you are having a child is a life changing experience, but why is the first inclination to act shocked and confused? Or to to imply that the woman must have gotten pregnant by someone else? Now most guys, even the ones that act stupid up front, may very well go on to be great fathers once they get over their ignorance, but I'm still trying to understand the dumbstruck first response that oh so many men give.

Gender Roles?

Question...how big of a factor are traditional gender roles today? What I mean is we all know the traditional roles of a man and a woman. The man is a provider, goes out, makes the money, brings it home to support the family. The woman takes care of the home, the children, cooks, cleans, and supports her husband. However, today there is a lot of role reversal. Today we have house husbands and working women. Of course there is nothing at all wrong with that, but is it possible that even without knowing it we still hold true to those old roles.
The situation that brought me to this questions was a guy who doesn't work, he stays home each day and takes care of his two children. His girlfriend works full time and supports the family. This worked for a while, but the wife eventually started having a thing for a guy at her job and ended up cheating on the boyfriend. It made me wonder if maybe the fact that her man was pretty much a housewife played a part in her cheating. Do women subconsciously want a man that is able to provide for them? Even if we have our own jobs and make our own money and don't necessarily need a man to do those things, don't we at least want someone that is capable of taking care of us if necessary? Or have we evolved past that?
Men do you generally want a woman that is a good homemaker? Even if she does have a great and flourishing career, do you still want her to be able to cook and clean for you. Do you still expect her to put her career aspirations on hold to have kids? Is it still expected that she would give up her career or whatever to follow you wherever life may lead you? If you had a woman that didn't do those things would it bother you. If she preferred to eat out instead of cook, to hire a maid instead of clean, to hire a nanny to stay with the kids so she could go back to work sooner? Would this effect the level of love and commitment you had to the woman?
Overall I wonder if we are hardwired to expect certain things in a mate. And if we find a mate that does not fit into or chooses not to fall into these traditional gender roles will we inevitably stray away from them?

Do you hear me?

Question...have you ever felt like you were talking, but your partner just wasn't hearing ANYTHING? I'm sure we've all been there right. For some reason you can't get your other to understand where you are coming from. You try to talk, you end up yelling, and before you know it you both are just angry...maybe even not speaking. Interestingly enough your partner usually has the exact complaints about you. If both parties are trying so hard to communicate then why is it so hard to hear each other?
Communication is such an important aspect of a relationship, but its also where many relationships fall apart. So what do you do when it seems like you and your other just can't get on the same page? How do you move forward? When do you just call it quits?

What would you do?

Question...what kind of ties is your man allowed to have with his ex? this question comes from the situation of a friend of mine. She's been dating this guy for a few years. I guess it should be noted that when they first got together it was strictly a physical thing. He had a girlfriend and she had other options, they just enjoyed doing their thing. They were both very comfortable with the physical relationship for about a year or so when the guy started catching feelings. So they eventually went from getting it in, to "dating". Although during this "dating" phase he never exactly broke up with his girlfriend. They still lived together, had joint accounts, had things in both of their names etc. Well the guy and his ex supposedly broke up about a year ago. However, a few months ago my friend found out he had paid up his ex's rent for 6 months and she was still driving one of his cars. When my friend asked about the situation the guys simply said, he didn't want to be dirty and just leave his ex out in the cold so he helped her out...and that was the end of it. Well recently the guy's car broke down. Naturally, my friend is thinking, well you can just drive your other car until you get this fixed right?!?! Wrong b/c the ex is still driving the other car, in fact she's had it since they broke up. So there are a few questions here, first what's worse, that he still has all these ties to his ex or that he isn't forth coming with the inforamtion to my friend. I mean he claims he hardly talks to the ex anymore, but I'd imagine there would have to be some kind of communicaiton right? If he was upfront and said "i'm doing xyz for my ex because..." would it be ok? Is there possibly still something going on with him and the ex? Are these issues worth raising in the relationship or should my friend continue to accept whatever reasoning he gives and move on? Is this level if interaction with an ex appropriate or healthy when you are trying to build something with someone new? What do you think?

Who Foots the Bill?

Question...in this modern world with the new modern woman, are men still expected to always pay for dates/activities? I hear both guys and girls talk about this a lot. According to some men, women expect to be treated all the time for dates, we expect to have our drinks purchased at the bar, we expect guys to pay for it all. And I don't really disagree with any of those. For me personally, I've never had a second thought about who was going to pay for a meal. Even when I go out with my guy friends they usually pay for the food or whatever we're doing, I don't even think of going for my wallet. Is that wrong?

Should women pay for dates, a first date, should you alternate? What's proper? I guess I've been lucky in dating guys who automatically take on this role of picking up the bill. Granted in my last relationship I would pick up the check sometimes or pay for our tickets to certain activities, etc but this was sporadic at best and certainly not an expectation of my other. In fact I remember one time this guy I was interested in asked me to lunch, we went to this simple cafeteria style spot. He was in front of me in line and paid for his food and turned and said "I'll go grab us a seat". Now of course it wasn't a problem for me to pay for my own lunch, but I will admit it was a turn off, especially since he asked me to meet him. As a general rule you always have enough money to pay for your portion of a check when going out with someone.

I do have some female friends that insist on paying for themselves when going on dates with guys, I don't really know why but they feel strongly about such things. I also know of guys that refuse to let a woman pick up the check, they feel its the "guys job" to pay for the bill. Is this an old fashioned expectation? Should the cost of dating activities be split 50/50 (or close to it)? Does it really matter?

Who's Side do you Take?

Question…who do you side with your girl or your guy? The world of relationships can become so very complex. I mean it’s a strange thing that happens when you start dating a guy. They begin to get integrated into a circle of friends that have been around for years. You begin to give them considerations that you would only give people with the utmost level of trust and confidence. Hell you begin to love them…really big deal. But what happens when the relationship between your man and one of your besties enters into the gray zone? What is the gray zone? That is when the relationship starts to border on inappropriate. Maybe they start having conversations with each other without the person knowing, maybe they start to hang out, or maybe they even begin to have feelings for one another. What do you do?

Here is the situation (real names changed for privacy). Kevin and Jamie are married and have a kid. Jamie’s best friend Sara is really close to the couple and often comes by to visit for days at a time, staying in the house with the two of them. Sara and Kevin end up becoming close, talking and exchanging IM chats with each other both with and without Jamie’s knowledge. Eventually of course the proverbial shite hits the fan when Sara sends Jamie a note saying “Kevin asked me not to come visit next month because he said he has feelings for me”. When confronted, Kevin admits he has been talking to Sara about their marital problems and they both discovered they had feelings for each other, which is why he told Sara not to come visit…what happens next. Should Jamie try to work on her marriage? Should she try to repair her friendship with Sara? Should she say screw both of those bastards?

Often in situations like these a woman will choose her man over her girlfriend. I can’t tell you how many friendships I’ve seen end over one person getting too close to the others companion. I think this dynamic is different with guys though. Isn’t the term “bros over hoes”. I believe most guys would let go of their shady girlfriend before ending a friendship with one of their boys (this however is just my opinion). It does however beg the question; why not leave both of them alone? Is it that the level of betrayal is more serious for the best friend than for the boyfriend? Are there other factors that come into play, like who came on to who? Or who told the truth about the situation first?

The Marrying Kind?

Question…what do you do if your man won’t marry you? So this morning while reading the all important facebook updates, one of my friends left a message that basically told women over 25, if you’ve been with a guy for more than 5 years and he hasn’t married you yet…he isn’t going to. It brings me to the question how long is too long? Can you really put a time limit on something like marriage? This was even discussed on the radio last week, the dj said that in his opinion the perfect time for a couple to get married is between the 2nd and 4th years of a relationship. The logic being that getting married before 2 years of dating is too soon and after 4 years if he hasn’t asked yet there is a reason and he’s never going to.

Now I do pretty much agree with the statement. If a man has been with you for years and hasn’t married you there is a reason. Granted there are exceptions, two of my aunts actually were with their men for over a decade (one 15 years and the other 11) they had children and everything without being married. But the guys eventually did marry them and they’ve been happily married ever since. So ladies, what do you do? Do you leave a decent relationship because he won’t propose to you? Do you stay with him, even move in and play the wife role without the commitment? Do you give him the ultimatum “either we’re going to get married or I’m leaving? Or do you just walk away period?

And guys, also help me understand? I know some guys that have lived with, had children with, and laid up under a woman for years and have no intention of marrying her. If she’s good enough to wake up to every day, to share your daily life, money, and bodily fluids with, why isn’t she good enough to marry? Is it fear, complacency, greener pasture syndrome? Why invest so much in a woman that you have no intention of marrying? Women why invest so much in a man that has no intention of marrying you?

Is it Possible?

Question...if a man experiments or occasionally interacts with another man, does that make him gay? This post is a result of the overwhelming information I've seen the past couple days about men that have experimented with guys in the past or men that are "gay for pay" (a la the Tyra Banks show). So its got me wondering, if you met a great guy that you really got along with and he one day confided in you that although he is completely straight he has been with men in the past. Or he still finds men attractive. Does this make him gay? Would you continue to date him?

Its interesting because most guys (not all, but most) would probably be excited or not bothered at all if their girls liked to mix it up with other girls, but I don't believe the same is true for women. So if you have a guy that meets all of your criteria, but he has or has had bi sexual tendencies...What do you do?

Even deeper than that, what if you found out your man cheated with another man or let another man give them special kisses if you know what I mean. Would it be the same as if he'd cheated with another woman? Would you be more/less upset? The one lady on the show I was watching said she's completely fine with her boyfriend doing sexy internet activities with other men, as long as he doesn't do anything with a woman. Really?

In the shows and scenario's I've encountered the past few days, they all involved men that say they are completely and totally straight. As in only attracted to women, but they have tried some loving with a guy before. Some of them were into gay porn, but had girlfriends and kids and claimed they only did it for the money. Is it possible to be straight with gay tendencies?

Gettin in the Way

Question...If you see the SO of a friend out with another guy/girl is it your place to say something? So this post is a result of something I heard on a radio show this morning. Lets say you have a friend that you're cool with. You introduce this friend to your man and you all are pretty cool. Well one day she sees you out with another guy having lunch. She comes over and speaks and you think nothing of it. After, your SO tells you that this friend sent him a text message saying "hey I saw your girl out at lunch with some guy, I just thought you should know". Now lets also keep in mind that your man knew all about the lunch, in fact he was supposed to be there, but cancelled at the last minute b/c something came up. Would you have a problem with that? Should the friend have sent a text to the man or maybe asked you about the situation first? Is the friend crazy for even assuming that just because you were out with a member of the opposite sex that something slutacious was going on?

And that leads me to the question, what role do you play when it comes to telling a friend about shady behavior. For example, if you see your best friends man/woman out with someone else do you even mention it? If the interaction looks a little more than friendly should you tell/warn your friend? What if you are friends with both parties, do you even want to get involved in the drama? What implications could that have on the friend ships?

Love and Money...

Question...if your man lost his job, would you borrow from your retirement to help him financially? Allow me to provide some context. I was talking to a friend who's boyfriend just lost his job. He doesn't have much savings and pretty much will be out of money soon. She also doesn't have much money which is why she would have to resort to borrowing from her retirement to help him. When she told me this my first response was "wow, that's generous, but just not something I would do for a boyfriend. A husband maybe, but not a boyfriend". She responded by saying that she knew he would do the same for her if roles were reversed. Well what do you think?

What if I mentioned that the boyfriend was previously making almost 200K in the job he lost, he just didn't save his money. He never invested in a 401K, only an IRA that he can't touch. What if I said the girlfriend only makes about 40K. Or that prior to losing his job he had paid up the rent for his ex girlfriend for 6 months. Or that they have only been officially in a relationship since about January, before that he was still living with his ex? Does this change your original thoughts on the situation or further validate your feelings one way or the other? Don't get me wrong I'm not heartless. If I was in a relationship with someone and they lost their job I would want to help them out, I just have limits to how far I would go. I would let them come over for dinner. I might throw them some gas money. I would volunteer to help them with their resume and job hunt with them. I would do a number of assistive things. If I had a significant amount of disposable income I would offer the give/loan them some money. And even offer some temporary housing until they got a job and could afford their own place again (keyword temporary b/c I'm not into all that shacking up without real commitment, but that's another blog)

Now if they were married my opinion would be completely different b/c I think she would have a greater obligation to help him out, even though it would still suck. I have a relative that practically emptied out her retirement fund when her husband got into some legal trouble. She felt like he was her man and she had to help him. and I agree on many levels. But she surely feels the pain from the sacrifice and will certainly be working for a lot longer than she expected.

Anyway, the question I pose to you is, was i wrong for responding to my friend the way I did. Does anyone think that regardless of the circumstances she should do what she can to help the man she loves? Its not like he hasn't told her he wants to marry her and plans to spend the rest of their lives together...they just aren't married yet. What do you think?

Out of Wedlock?

Question...What level of obligation does a man have to the mother of his child if they are no longer together. Allow me to put a little more context to this question. Lets hypothetically say that boy meets girl, boy and girl get together and have a nice little fling, eventually the romance dies shite happens and boy and girl part ways. About a month or so girl finds out she's totally knocked up. She of course tells boy and they try to find a way to get back on good terms for the sake of the baby. What obligation, if any, does the guy have to be there for the girl during the pregnancy. Are there certain things that should be a given or should he be able to decide if, when, and what he's going to do (of course the fact that he gets a choice in the matter is a luxury within itself, but that's another blog). Should the girl expect that she can depend on things like him driving her to the hospital when its time. Or having him in the room when the baby is born. Coming to lamaze classes with her. Since it is his baby shouldn't he be expected to do those things? Or is it wrong for a woman to expect such things from a man that is simply the "father of her child" and not a boyfriend or husband? What about after the fact, is it outlandish to expect the boy to take off work a few days to be "around" or maybe to stay around the first week or two to help out? I realize this subject is highly subjective, but I'm rather curious as to what you all think the "role of the BD" should be?

Disclaimer to mitigate any and all rumors before they start: This blog is in no way a representation of the poster's life. All characters, details, and situations are a pure result of my overactive mind and quest to be all deep and thought provoking. The terms "boy" and "girl" are not real names, simply nouns used to describe a male and a female (i swear, you can look it up). This blog is not in any way whatsoever a reflection of my life, nor the life of any of my friends, family, associates, monkey minions, evil robots, demon fish, or co workers. I just want your thoughts ;-)

I'm not sure about "they"

Question...Who is they? and why don't they have a name? Have you ever been in this scenario. You've been dating a guy for a while, you pretty much know his friends (either by meeting them or hearing him talk about them). Then all of sudden you guys are on the phone and he's telling you he's going to grab drinks after work with his friend, they haven't hung out in a while. That's no big deal right, but who is they? He doesn't say my friend Bob or Paul like he usually does when he talks about his friends. For some reason this friend remains nameless and genderless. So of course as any woman would you ask more questions, but the man never gives this person an identity. What do you think? Do you forget about it and move on to another subject, or do you wonder who the heck this person is and why they don't have a name. So of course you do what you do best, ask more questions. Eventually you find that "they" is another woman. Of course a harmless other woman that the man went to school with or some nonsense and happened to catch up with him on FB and "they" want to meet up in person. Now I am going to state my opinion about such a situation (because this isn't at all about me). If it were me in this sitution I would wonder why the person wasn't forthcoming with the information, especially if thats how they usually are. It would bother me that instead of just saying "hey I talked to my friend whatsherface from school, we're going to meet up for drinks after work" he had to try to avoid it. It would make me think he's trying to hide something. Now the meeting up with "they" for drinks could be totally innocent, but the simple fact that he tried to keep the person he was seeing away from me would raise some questions in my mind. So I pose the question to you, would such a scenario make you question this meeting with "they" or should it just be left alone?

Run from the Drama

Question…Will a guy turn away from a seemingly decent girl if she has too much drama in her life? So I was talking to a friend of mine about his past relationships. Much like ladies when he’s single he will talk to a number of women, as he gets to know them better certain characteristics will draw him to one girl more so than another. So he was telling me about this particular chick that he liked, but said she just had too much drama. She was cute, funny, educated, job, a lot going for herself. But during the course of their initial interaction she had issues like her car got messed up and she was going to have issues paying for it, her supervisor pissed her off in some kind of way and she thought she wanted to leave, her father died, and some other stuff happened. Now my friend is hardly insensitive, he understood that many of these things were far beyond her control and he cared, but it was just a lot to deal with in the early stages of courtship. So since he was talking to other women with less dramatic times in their lives he gravitated towards one of them instead of the drama chick. This got me to thinking about how much stuff you should reveal about your “drama” early on in a relationship. On one hand in the courting stage you want to develop the kind of relationship where you can tell the person anything and get some level of comfort when things aren’t going right, but should we be cautious not to tell too much too soon. Or is my friend just a special case? I can kind of see where he’s coming from. I mean if I met a guy and every time we talked he had another “issue” I would probably back off a little and give him time to get himself together as well. When it comes to talking to a potential is there a such thing as TMI when it comes to the dramatics life is bringing your way?

Where have they all gone?

Question…Where did all the good men and women go? This is a question I’ve heard asked my many people. Many of my male friends only want a good woman, but for some reason they just can’t find one. This is even more so the case for my female friends. The search for a reasonable man is just about as successful as the search for Bin Laden. How is it possible that all these men are searching for good women and all these women are searching for good men, but both parties keeps coming up empty handed? What’s the problem, I mean I know women (esp black women) have been accused of being too picky. I’m not sure what constitutes as being too picky, but most of us just want an employed, intelligent, interesting man, preferably with some ambition, and his own residence. I don’t think that’s asking too much. To be honest I don’t really understand why my male friends have such trouble finding women. I mean simply look at the ratio of men to women, its like a candy store of ladies to choose from. All colors and flavors out there for you. I guess it’s a matter of quality rather than quantity in this situation. But for women it’s a little different. Not as many men to choose from, crazy competition from other woman who sniff out decent men like blood hounds. If you have any preferences like gainfully employed, college educated, and interested in a serious relationship the pool gets even smaller. Understand I’m not implying there are no good men out there because I’m positive there are a decent number, they are just seemingly hard to find. However I am a woman so despite my efforts to be neutral in this, I’m a tad biased. What about this lack of “good women”. Since I’m not a guy I don’t really know what they consider “good”. But I swear every other day I meet another beautiful, smart, well spoken, single woman that would love to have a relationship if the right man would just come along. And if there are all these “good” men and “good” women looking for each other why in the world aren’t they finding each other?

Woman's Work?

Question…Do all men want a woman that cooks and cleans. I was having a conversation with a girlfriend, she and her boyfriend have lived together for a little over a year now. She works full time, goes to school part time, and they have a 5 month old baby (just a little history). For years my friend has told me that you have to cook and clean to keep a man, that’s just the way it is. This has never been a huge issue for me because I love cooking (especially for my man when i have one) and I like a clean house. But this isn’t the case for my friend. She’s not the best cook and she only wants to clean when she has too. This has worked for her for quite some time now since her boyfriend is a really good cook and keeps a clean house. The problem is now they are talking about marriage and he feels that if she is going to be a wife, she needs to learn to do more “wifely” type things like cooking and cleaning. I personally think that’s a bunch of crap, but what do I know. Anyway, she says that on nights when she comes home and cooks dinner, and straightens up the house her guy is nicer to her. So I ask, guys when it comes to long term relationships is cooking and cleaning a necessity for the woman? And if you know your girl isn’t he greatest of cooks do you expect her to make a change after you’ve got married or moved in together? Is cooking and cleaning really a “wifely” responsibility or should it be split among the two adults? I actually remember hearing a blurb on the morning news once that said married woman do like 3X as much housework as their partners (don’t quote me on the numbers) but what it boiled down to was that women do way more housework than their husbands, even if both parties had full time jobs. I do believe that in households where one party is a stay at home, there is some expectation that dinner is cooked and the house is clean. Many moons ago when I lived with my ex there was a period where he was not working and I was. There were a number of times I came home to him laying across the couch watching ESPN, house a mess, dishes everywhere, and not even an attempt to cook something. I would be highly frustrated and annoyed with this scenario. But if both parties are working full time should there be the same expectation that the woman will work a full day, come home cook, clean, and tend to the children? Do we still have that 1950 perception of what a woman’s work is?

What if he's bad with money?

Question...Do you dump a guy for being bad with money? So here is the situation. You meet a guy that's great. Sweet, fun, good personality. Own place, own car, seems to be doing well. When you guys start dating he takes you out to the nicest restaurants, plays, all types of fun stuff. You think (besides the typical issues most men have) he's a great guy. However, as the relationship goes on you realize that a lot of that wining and dining he's done for you has been on credit. In fact he has mounting credit card debt. You also find out that with his own real money, he's just barely making ends meet. So you are at the point where you can actually politely say something about the money and you inquire about the amount of debt he has or how much savings he has. When you ask these probing questions and he always has a great answer (like he's rehearsed it a thousand times) to make you think he has it all under control, but you have a sneaking feeling he doesn't. So my question is, is this reason to break off a relationship? How much intervention or probing is acceptable by the woman? Is this something they can work through? How should the woman deal with such a situation?

Does Size Matter?

Questions...Does size really matter? No I'm not talking about the size of that, I'm talking about ring size. I have a friend that is all into engagement rings. She always knew that she wanted a big ring. Part of her theory was that especially if the woman has had to put up with shenanigans during the course of the relationship, the man needs to put in some work for the ring. I've always thought that when I do get proposed to I'd just be happy with whatever ring I was given. Of course, who wouldn't appreciate an eye catcher, but ultimately it was the thought behind the ring rather than the size of it. But if you are that person that wants a rock and you get a pebble, then what? Does it mean the person loves you any less? Do you simply take it and smile or voice your concern about it? And what are the implications of that?

Are you Intimidated

Question… Are you intimidated? I was once told buy a guy that I was intimidating. We had just met actually. We were both at a party, he came over and sparked up a conversation and it was really nice. Of course the common things come up what do you do, are you in school…yadda yadda yadda. So as prompted or when appropriate I shared some of the things I had going on. We talked for quite some time and as he found out more about me and some of the things I had done in my short life he told he I was pretty intimidating. In fact he said it a few times as we spoke. Although we had a great conversation that night, we did not end up exchanging numbers that night…lol. I assume because I was a bit too intimidating for him. It got me to thinking though. Yes I have a job, yes I’m in grad school, yes I have some pretty ambitious goals, but shouldn’t those be appealing things. Since when did a driven woman become unattractive? I once dated a guy who is the only guy I’ve ever met that was more ambitious than I was and it was great. We had a bit of a healthy competition going on sometimes, not in a bad way, but we both encouraged each other to go farther and do better. It was really nice. He was never put off by anything of the things I went after. But can a powerful, successful, financially comfortable woman drive a man off these days? Is it important for the man to feel as if he is doing better, making more, or rising higher than his woman? In situations where the woman makes more money or has the more prominent career, will the man feel less than?

The Line Between "Bigger Person" and "Doormat"

Question...where do you draw the line between being the bigger person and being a doormat? This question comes from a conversation I had yesterday with a relative. We were talking about my current relationship situation. In my relationship I felt that I was becoming a doormat. In my attempts to keep peace I would simply let things go. Whenever there was an "issue" I was always the one to forgive and accept. The dynamics were far from 50/50. The person I was dealing with then in my opinion took things way too far. Since that time I've chosen to take a very firm stance regarding how I feel and what I'm not going to deal with. My relative however feels that I'm being stubborn and "stooping to his level".
She used herself and her marriage as an example. Now I think her husband can be mean and stubborn and really takes her for granted. I in no way question how much he loves her and I know that he has times where he can be very sweet, but overall he doesn't give her the level of kindness and respect she should get. She on the other hand caters to him. She calls it "killing him with kindness". She proceeded to lecture me for 45 minutes on how you must do this, especially with men who are difficult and "don't always know how to show love". I do agree that kindness is a very helpful tool in dealing with difficult people, however, I am past the point of constantly bending for a person that does not reciprocate or at the very least show some appreciation for me. I consider this being a doormat.
Maybe she has taken this stance because she's already married so she feels she's stuck. But I believe that at some point you have to demand the level of respect you want and if the person is unwilling to give it to you then the person simply risks losing you. Although this stance can sometimes hurt, I believe it to be far better than the alternative of always being a doormat (which will hurt a lot more and a lot longer if you ask me). So I ask you am I wrong, should I continue catering to someone that clearly takes me for granted or am I right to be firm and stand up for myself?

Bad Timing

Question… why is it that your other is never ready to make up when you are? This comes from an episode of SATC my friend and I were watching the other day. In the episode Carrie and Aiden got into a huge fight and she walked out of the house. After drinking coffee, writing, and chatting, she came home ready to put the fight behind her. Only to find that Aiden was still pissy, which just made her pissy again. Now this is such a common occurrence… one person is ready to start loving again, the other is still stewing in their anger. Why is that? Do men and women really just go through the cycle of emotions differently? The funny part about it is if in fact you’re ready for making up and your partner isn’t it just makes you mad all over again and surely extends the fight all together. Because not only are you pissed at what they did, now your pissed because they have the nerve to still be mad at you when they are the reason you’re fighting (at least that’s how you feel regardless of who’s fault the fight was). Is it possible to get you other on your cycle before they are ready? Or do you just have to suck it up and deal with the pissyness? What if it starts to get out of hand, I mean people begin to get stubborn (have you seen the movie the break up). It goes from being a fight to a battle of wills, the person who breaks first is admitting defeat and that cannot be done at any cost. Well I guess that’s a bit much, but you get where I’m going. So how do you get your other back in that loving feeling when they are still pissy with you?

Last Name Debate

Question... If you happen to get knocked up and you are not with the father anymore, should the baby still get daddy's last name? I had this discussion last night with my friend. I have a boy and his father and I (although we were together when he as born) were not married. it was always my feeling that my baby would have my last name since I wasn't married. I told him that when we did get married I would change the boy's last name along with mine. For some reason it was important for me to share the same name as my child. However, my friend says that a child should always get the father's last name regardless b/c its tradition and b/c its "his child too" and they could lose that piece of their identity. Yes it is a tradition... because traditionally people were married when they brought children into the world so everyone had the man's last name. But given the nontraditional birthings of late is this still the standard. I personally think that if the two people are not married at the time of birth then the child should have the mother's last name unless she wants to give the child the dad's name. Its not a thing of spite or ill will, just logistics. And though it is nothing to brag about, I have a number of women in my extended family that have experienced single-motherhood and they each gave the baby their name with the exception of a few that actually had pending marriages. So I think that's completely normal. But I could be very wrong in my thinking. What do you think? and why?

Breaking up in the era of social networking

Question... how sucky is it to have to change your status when you break up. I'm on facebook as we speak (yes I can multi task) and I just saw that one of my friends (not a real friend just a FB friend) is no longer in a relationship with the lovely broken heart picture next to it. This made me think of how depressing it is to date with all this social media. I mean its great when you change your status from single to "in a relationship" all your friends see it and they are all happy, maybe even write cool things on your wall like "someone is actually desperate enough to date you" but its cute and you are happy.

Then the person your dating start exhibiting heathen behavior and you have to break up. But then you are no longer "in a relationship" with the heart picture... you are "no longer in a relationship" with the broken heart picture. You have gone from being happy lucky guy/gal to loser that's alone again. At least that's what i imagine it feels like when you're already in the dumps behind the break up.

What about when you go through that weird phase where you break up and get back together several times within a few months. Do you change your status each time or just remain single or remain in a relationship the whole time. I wonder if there is a way to opt out of the whole relationship status thing. I don't think I'll ever change my status until I'm married.

Then why have the crappy heart broken heart thing. I think you should be able to write your own labels instead of "no longer in a relationship" why can't the message say "that bastard wasn't good enough so I dropped him like a bad habit" or "we're together today, but he has one more time to piss me off" or "i might have to cut somebody" or even better "I'm single, he just doesn't know it yet"

But I Upgraded You

Question… Is it harder to leave a person when you feel as though you have put a lot of work into them? What I mean by this is often a couple gets together and one person kind of gets upgraded. Meaning maybe you help them get a new, better paying job, maybe you’ve helped them do some networking and make advances in their field, maybe you’ve helped them polish their image a bit. Maybe you’ve spend hours helping them look for a house or apartment, redoing their resume, helping them get over the loss of a loved one. Whatever the situation, we all know how it feels to have put a significant amount of work (mental and emotional) into a relationship. However, when things are going good this isn’t a problem because helping them essentially helps you and you want to be there as a resource and support system. But what about when they start acting crazy and screwing up, doing things that could very reasonably cause you to leave. As your sitting by yourself or with friends contemplating whether to stay our go, how big of a role does the investment you put in play. I know for some women, its almost like if you leave someone else will benefit from all the work you did with the heathen man. For guys is it the same way, if you’ve upgraded a woman is it harder to leave her alone. Do you also feel almost like how dare they act crazy after all you’ve done? Is it wrong to feel that way? Not to say that a person owes you anything in a materialistic sense, but in a sense of respect and consideration shouldn’t they treat you a little nicer if you have helped them attain some of their goals in life?

What to do, what to do?

Question... When you break up with a guy do you have to break up with the friends too? So here is the situation, you meet a guy or girl who is great (of course they're really a heathen, they just trying to trap you). As the relationship progresses you start to meet their friends and their friends are great. You become particularly close to one of the friends and you guys just start hangout together outside of "date" stuff with your other. Well eventually things with the other start to fall apart and the friend is there for you and still wants to be friends despite the fact that they are still friends with the other. You really like their friendship too and don't want to lose that. But then things get sticky. What about when your ex finds a new person, then your friend is going to all the old hang out spots with your old guy and their new interest. How suckey is that? Or what about when the friend plans some big party and you know your ex will be there. What if your ex shows up with his new person and you are there too. It could make for a ton of very awkward situations. So what do you do? Do you have to lose the friend when you lose the guy or is there a way for this situation to work out for the best?

Breaking up is hard to do

Question...When it comes to breaking up, is there a "right" way to do it? What I mean by this is, it is ok to send a text or an e mail to break up with someone. For all of the SATC lovers we remember when Berger broke up with Carrie on a post it note. How tacky was that? But is a text break up just as tacky. I guess if I looked at my phone and saw "hey, dont want 2 date u ne more...l8r" I would be pretty offended. What about the e mail. I think e mails are great because you can say all the things you want to say, read it over to make sure its sounds ok, then send it knowing that you have done your best to convey a kind, but clear statement. Whereas in person break up can get ugly maybe you'll have an argument, curse a couple times, call the person a few unkind names. Then what? But if you've been with a person for a while do you then kind of owe them the in person? What about a person you've only been dating a couple months, is ok to just stop talking to them? I have a friend who always says she's "deleted" folks. Basically meaning they've done something heathenous and she's not talking to them anymore and they have been deleted from her phone...I love that. Anyway, what is the right way and are there certain factors that determine the right way to kick someone to the curb?

Make it work or let it go?

Question... if you are married and your partner cheats are you obligated to work it out or is that grounds to end the marriage? This is a very interesting question as many marriages have ended over cheating. However, there are many with a far more traditional opinion of marriage that feel that you work out your differences no matter what. When you think of the traditional wedding vows you do kind of pledge in front of God and everyone else that you are going to stick with this person for the rest of your life "until death do you part" "for better or worse" "loving unconditionally". So does all this go out the window if they cheat. Does that make the contract null and void? Or is there a higher level of responsibility for married couples to try and get past such a thing? Of course if you're just dating and some joker cheats then go ahead and get rid of him/her. But when you've taken the big leap with them shouldn't you give it more. It sometimes seems that the marriages of some aren't any different than long term relationships. People get divorced when they get tired of the other, they "don't love them anymore", or a newer younger model is on the market. With that being said there are many completely understandable and justifiable situations where a divorce is necessary. Is cheating one of those situations? Can you get past a cheating wife or husband? If so how? Will the marriage ever be the same? Can the trust ever be fully restored? If you are married and your spouse commits adultery is it okay to just leave them or are you obligated to try and work it out?

Why is it so hard?

Question... why is it so hard to end a bad relationship? This is a question that I've asked myself many times. I'm sure everyone has experienced or knows someone that was in a terrible relationship with some heathen man or woman. The relationship could have started out great (or just been shenanigans all along), but at some point it got really bad. Whether the other cheated, was manipulative, insensitive, or even abusive (emotionally, verbally, or physically) you (or someone you know) wouldn't leave, they just continued to deal with the nonsense. Even if it really hurt them. What is it about love that makes you stay with someone despite all these things. I know love is supposedly blind, but is it also deaf, mute, and stupid too. My first inclination is to say yes, as I have been each of those things at some point in love. However, as I look back on those situations I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Granted hindsight is 20/20. I wonder if sometimes we confuse love for comfort or security. Or do we love the idea of what the relationship could be or what we hope will be? Love, as splendid as it is can be one of the most crippling adversaries you come up against in life. Mother never told me love would be this complicated. I mean in all the fairy tales it was easy, the beautiful princess would be attacked by some evil villain and the charming prince would rescue her and they would live happily ever after. No one ever said the villain could end up being prince charming himself. Or that after rescuing you he might get tired of having you around and cheat with some other princess. Or that he might not be ready for the commitment of "ever after" but he wants you to hang around the castle, act like his princess, and wait for him to be ready (which may happen next week or years from now). At any rate win you are in this state of love a certain level of sensibility seems to go away and make you do things you wouldn't normally do (kinda like getting drunk i guess). Why is it so hard to be objective and walk away when it just isn't right?

We need to talk..

Question... How do you tell your man you're not satisfied? My last blog made me think about this a little more. How do you tell your man you aren't satisfied with their lovin.  What if they are too small or too big, what if they lack stamina, or just plain don't know what they are doing? How do you bring this subject up in a way that won't make them uncomfortable or defensive? I mean ideally you want a situation where both parties are getting everything they want out of the physical aspect of the relationship, but if the sex is lacking something has to be said right? I do believe that sex is a very important aspect of a relationship and if it is lacking it can effect other aspects of the relationship (just as well other aspects can effect the sex). Anyway, how do you have this conversation, is there a best time? best place? what do you say? and what happens next? how do you ensure there won't be any hurt feelings?

Never... not ever

Questions... Is it that common to have never had an orgasm? This questions comes from a show I was watching and the conversation that followed. In the show a woman in her 30s was talking about how she had never had an orgasm while having sex. So that lead to the conversation about orgasms in general, how often they occur, and what can be done to ensure they occur. Now we all know that achieving orgasm is different for men than for women. Men typically achieve this a little easier. Women require more effort and time. After having the discussion with a few people it became clear that it is quite common for women not to achieve orgasm during actual intercourse. Many need some additional stimulation (if you know what I mean) to get to that point. But how common is it for a sexually active woman to have never ever achieve an orgasm? and if you are one of these woman do you fake them with your man? Finally, if you are actively having sex and never climaxing, is the sex truly satisfying for you? I would think it would be like watching a great movie and stopping just before the ending, or watching your favorite football team down by 2 points at the end of the 4th quarter, they just intercepted the ball and the cable goes off. But I could be wrong...what do you think?