Monday, March 30, 2009
Woman's Work?
Question…Do all men want a woman that cooks and cleans. I was having a conversation with a girlfriend, she and her boyfriend have lived together for a little over a year now. She works full time, goes to school part time, and they have a 5 month old baby (just a little history). For years my friend has told me that you have to cook and clean to keep a man, that’s just the way it is. This has never been a huge issue for me because I love cooking (especially for my man when i have one) and I like a clean house. But this isn’t the case for my friend. She’s not the best cook and she only wants to clean when she has too. This has worked for her for quite some time now since her boyfriend is a really good cook and keeps a clean house. The problem is now they are talking about marriage and he feels that if she is going to be a wife, she needs to learn to do more “wifely” type things like cooking and cleaning. I personally think that’s a bunch of crap, but what do I know. Anyway, she says that on nights when she comes home and cooks dinner, and straightens up the house her guy is nicer to her. So I ask, guys when it comes to long term relationships is cooking and cleaning a necessity for the woman? And if you know your girl isn’t he greatest of cooks do you expect her to make a change after you’ve got married or moved in together? Is cooking and cleaning really a “wifely” responsibility or should it be split among the two adults? I actually remember hearing a blurb on the morning news once that said married woman do like 3X as much housework as their partners (don’t quote me on the numbers) but what it boiled down to was that women do way more housework than their husbands, even if both parties had full time jobs. I do believe that in households where one party is a stay at home, there is some expectation that dinner is cooked and the house is clean. Many moons ago when I lived with my ex there was a period where he was not working and I was. There were a number of times I came home to him laying across the couch watching ESPN, house a mess, dishes everywhere, and not even an attempt to cook something. I would be highly frustrated and annoyed with this scenario. But if both parties are working full time should there be the same expectation that the woman will work a full day, come home cook, clean, and tend to the children? Do we still have that 1950 perception of what a woman’s work is?
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8 comments:
Well you know I am gonna give it to you straight. Its not about calling it wifely duties its just what it is. Its in the "genetic" make up for us (i can only speak for black people cuz thats what I am) Men provide women keep shop. And that is not meant as disrespect its just history. See the problem with these new females is that they have this misconception that life is easy and everything should be given to them with no work or very little work and effort. Women have taken care of the home and the kids for ages and never had a complaint or a problem with it. My moms came home from work and made sure we had a hot home cooked meal and my dad tended to the homework. its about a system and yes men appreciate a woman that cooks and cleans not because its her duty, but because he feels that she cares enough to make sure he is ok...yall gotta think deeper than "i aint no maid" or "why can't he do it" he don't ask you to mow the damn lawn but you expect him too....My mom still cooks for my dad and cleans the house. Yes i am sure its frustrating for my dad to come in and leave shit everywhere but hey that comes with the territory especially when he is brining home a couple of figure before the comma....but its just a mentality that has gotten lost among WOMEN and they have stopped teaching their daughters the fundamentals. They didn't lie when they said a way to his heart is thru his stomach....
I can only give it to you according to my way of thinking...I was raised down south and while there are a lot of differences and expectations based on geography, I just know what seems to work. My grandparents were married for about 54 years before my grandmother passed away late last year. She raised the children, cleaned the house, and made sure my grandfather had a hot breakfast and dinner, all while tending to her own responsibilites. PERSONALLY, I like cleaning the house and cooking for my man (when I have one), so its not a big deal. However, please believe, when I have a 20 page paper due at school and have worked a hellified 9 hour day at work, MY MAN knows that he may not be getting any cooking that day and he is fine with that. In those instances, he would be so considerate as to go out and grab something from a local restaurant or cook something for the both of us.
I feel like cooking and cleaning is "just something" that women should know how to do and should take the lead on. But for real though...when I was engaged, my fiance' would try to clean up and do things that I would normally do, while I appreciated it...I just thought my cleaning was much better. Most time I would go back over his cleaning anyways, so why waste time?? :)
In closing...to each its own. I EXPECT a man to do certain things, BUT I also know how to do those things myself.
First of all!!!! Lol... If I work full time & my man works full time then certain responsibilities need to be split (I.e cooking). As I have been out on maternity leave I had no problem cooking dinner, washing dishes, etc b/c I'm home all day. Granted I'm home taking care of a newborn so its not like I'm twiddling my thumbs but I multi task & I know my man will be tired & hungry when he gets in so I do it not b/c I like to but b/c I love him. Now when I go back to work that's gonna stop, a) b/c I'll be working full time b) I work 12-9 so if he waited for me to get home he'd not only be lazy as hell but hungry!
Now mr. Feenix said something about the man bringing home the figures blah blah blah & something about black men (I read it but didn't agree w/ most of what was said so don't quote me...lol) & honestly what worked back in the day doesn't work today. I say this b/c back in the day men did provide & were good @ it, now days black women have become the providers, not b/c we necessarily want to but b/c we have to b/c although I LOVE my black men a lot of them have dropped the ball. Statistically they are behind all of the other races & black women when it comes to education & jobs as well as pay in some cases. Not to take away from my man b/c he is doing well but I make more than him, my dad is a hard worker but my mom makes 3 times more than him, so your theory of men bringing home the figures goes out the window right there. Also, there are a lot of men these days that don't want their women to stay home. I would love to be a stay @ home mom & let my man bring home the bacon as they say. But he doesn't want me to, mainly I think b/c I'm the breadwinner. So guess what?!? Since we both working 9 hour days & have a child to raise then the house work is being split 50/50! Which works for us b/c he usually does help cook anyway, its something we've always done together & when we do get a nice lawn that needs to be mowed & trees that need to be trimmed HE will be doing that too! And if a door knob is loose or a screw needs to be tightened, etc we'll figure out how to do it together or I'll just do it b/c he's not all that handy (not knocking him but he's the 1st to admit it).
So I think the key is balance. As long as there is a mutual understanding b/t the couple then its all good, anything goes. So there's not really a right or wrong here, but whatever works for u & your man.
LOL women are so damn emotional. Hey Michelle(how is my nephew doing?) Anyhoo in your sexist tirade you pretty much proved my point. But I will say this yes black men are lacking in the department of providing but that is a whole 'nother blog....
Whether the man does it or not its a seperate issue...its in his genetic makeup. And trust and believe a man that understands this about himself will quickly get rid of the freak who can't/won't cook and clean for the freak who will.....
I believe that in a loving giving relationship there should be no equal, or a record or what I did and what he did. I cook because i want my men to eat, i clean because i want my house to be clean. He cooks because he loves me and he see's that I am tired, or because he is home before I am and he wants me to be happy. He picks his clothes up off the floor because he doesn't want to hear me yell! lol
I say this to say, if your man see's you working, going to school and coming home at 7pm and he is just on the couch like "what am i supposed to eat" He is an asshole and you should leave him ASAP! I love taking care of my family and my man, but I was raised with a father who did everything around the house a man is traditionally required to do, cut grass, fix anything! but he did not respect my mother. I say that because he would be home on vacation for a week and every day my mom would come home from work he would be sitting there asking whats for dinner.
Now i do not believe that women should not have to clean or cook and i do not believe that they should be the only ones cooking or cleaning. But i do believe that if you display those characteristics your man will love you more for it. Thats just our nature. But you also have to set up an understanding from the beginning. because if you start out doing everything for him and taking care of him like your his mom, he will get used to it and expect it forever.
Its about respect and love and giving and caring, on both parts.
I corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
i don't think there is a such thing as women/men's work nowadays. many of us are earning competitive salaries, ect - so what it comes down to is, who can do it best? or who wants to? it has to be one of you, cause you can't have 2 messy people in one relationship. and even then, there are some things that one person may just not want to do. in my situation, the only thing my husband does in the house is mop and clean the bathrooms. the two chores i hate the most. and he handles the dog, car and lawn care issues. not to say that i can't or won't do those things, i just don't like to. it's a balance really. there are just too many things for any one person to do in a relationship, and a good relationship delegates the tasks accordingly :)
oh yeah, i forgot to say...i actually do enjoy doing all the stuff around the house at the moment. i am staying at home with my two babies, and i feel as though it is the best way i can contribute to the family - being that i am not bringing in any money. it's the best non verbal way i can show my appreciation...outside the BR that is.
Ok sorry it took me so long to respond to this blog but here it goes. I don't necessarily think it is a woman's duty to do most of the cleaning per se, but it is definitely the case that she ends up being the person doing it the majority of the time. I know in my household, I often times ask myself whether my husband even knows how to wash a dish or cook because I do it ALL of the time. Yes, it does become frustrating sometimes especially if I just made a really big meal and there is a lot to clean up afterwards. It makes me so mad at times when he is just sitting there on the couch watching TV or playing a video game when he sees me in the kitchen cleaning up. I have a friend who is also married and the way she does it in her household is whom ever cooked, doesn't clean. If she cooks dinner, he husband does the dishes. I think that is fair. However, this never works in my home. You know a long while ago, I read a book that said men love being appreciated so I often tell my husband "thank you" for things he does (even if it is a one time deal). I bring that up to say that even if he didn't want to wash the dishes, offering would go such a long way. But at the same time I also agree partially with Feenix because while my husband does hardly anything inside the house, he does ALL the work outside! I can't even tell you how to start the lawnmower or do anything else outside. I barely know when garbage day is! The difference however, is that cooking and cleaning occurs everyday while outside work happens maybe once a week!
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