A Tricky Thing Called Trust

Question…how do you repair trust? Trust is a tricky thing. It is essential to any relationship, however it’s so fragile. Trust can easily be broken, scared, tainted, or shattered. Once this has happened what do you do? How do you fix it? Once something has been done to affect the trust in a relationship can it ever be fixed completely? For example if someone breaks into your house and steals your TV. You can get an alarm, replace the TV, but the feeling of violation lingers for quite sometime and you never have the same level of comfort you had before. Is the same thing true with trust in a relationship? Can people really forgive and forget or do we just forgive and try not to think about? I know that I am extremely forgiving. I can forgive almost anything, but I never forget anything. Even if I have forgiven someone depending on their action I never have the same level of comfort or trust for them I once did. Is it possible to go back to the way things used to be? And if so how?

More on Babies

Question...In a marriage, should the decision to keep or get rid of the baby be a joint or decision? Let’s say we're talking about a married couple and the woman gets pregnant. She doesn't want to have kids at the moment, but the man does. Is it right/ok for the woman to get rid of the baby against her husband's wishes? What if after baby number 2 or 3 the woman decides on her own to get her tubes tied without telling her husband? I know it’s a woman's body, but how much of a say does a man get in what happens to his baby (or future babies)?

The Baby Trap

Question...(well its really not a question because I already know the answer) is it ever okay to purposely "surprise" your man with a baby. This conversation is sparked by two things. The first is an episode of the Hills where Heidi wants a kid and Spencer doesn't. So she says "i was thinking I could just stop taking my bc and just get pregnant and surprise him...then he would realize how much he really does want kids". Now this sounds like a disaster and the two of them are married. The other thing that sparked this is a situation where a girl I know purposely got pregnant by her guy in hopes of taking their relationship to the next level...sadly for her it turns out to have had the opposite effect because the guy doesn't want a kid at ALL, they are no closer than they were before, and the whole situation is breeding resentment on both sides.

So I guess my ultimate question is…do women still think you can keep a man with a baby? We aren’t talking about the babies that are results of “oops” moments or contraception malfunctions. I’m talking about women (or men for that matter) who purposely deceive their partner into getting knocked up in hopes of having a happy ending (the figurative happy ending, not the literal one). And why in the world would you think that? Babies are huge strains on marriages, so imagine the impact it can have on average uncommitted persons. Not only that, do you really want a relationship that is thought about, brought about, or kept about simply because of a baby? Shouldn’t the person want to have a happy ending with you because of just you, not because you are having their (or they are having your) baby?

Married, but Maybe...

Question…is it ok for married people to make new friends of the opposite sex? This question comes from the past weekend. I met this guy that I thought was attractive. We chatted and danced for a bit then I saw he had a ring. So I said “so you’re married?” he says yes and asked me the same. After that I was prepared to say goodbye and walk away when he asked if we could have lunch sometime. So this got me to thinking all kinds of things. When it comes to marriage, where is the line? Is it ok for a married man or woman to accumulate new friends? If so what’s the procedure. Is it cool if the other spouse knows about it? Are you bound to only the friends you had before the relationship? Are you only allowed to make new friends of the same sex? Or only new couple friends? Is it possible for a married person and unmarried person of the opposite sex to be platonic friends? Do you think he would have gone home and said “oh yeah honey, btw I met this really nice girl today, we’re going to go grab lunch next week”. Or would he have kept it from her? The line just seemed so innocent coming out of his mouth like it’s not the first time he’s met someone in such a way. It wasn’t sneaky or adulterous but would it end up being sneaky and adulterous? Or could something seemingly innocent like lunch open the door for something inappropriate to happen and therefore such things should be avoided?

Just Fine on the Side...

Question…ladies in our singleness have some of us become desperate? This reflection comes as a result of a conversation I just had with my friend. She was dating a guy who displayed a great deal of interest in her, however he also displayed interest in other women. When she confronted him with the issue and stopped dealing with him he could not understand why. He told her that he wanted to date her and he didn’t want her to see anyone else. But he wanted to be able to freely date whomever he wanted… Her response was naturally “where they do that?” He just seemed completely baffled by the fact that she wasn’t kosher with such and arrangement.

This got me to thinking. This guy is thirty something, professional guy, so I’m sure he’s had a few relationships. I find it interesting that he was so shocked by my friend’s inability to accept such a ridiculous situation. Have the women he’s been dating gone along with such things? Are women these days ok with just being a side chick or one of many? You hear people say all the time “its so hard to find a man”, sadly this is not true. Similar to the famous words of Gucci “men are like buses, miss one next 15 one’s comin”. However men only adhere to the standards we set. Its common knowledge that anyone will only go as far as you let them. So it makes me wonder if many women have lowered their standards so much so that the average guy thinks he can pretty much get away with whatever he wants in a relationship.

And the women that do go along with such shenanigans…what ever happens to them? Can a man respect and truly love a woman that doesn’t demand respect for herself? Is it possible that the voluntary doormat will have a fairy tale ending? To my knowledge actual doormats end up getting so used and worn that they are eventually thrown out, is the same thing true for figurative doormats? Sadly I know too many women who have stoically put up with the lying and cheating of a man in the name of love (and insanity). In the end the man has either left them for someone else…or just continued to pull the same games over and over. So I ask is single and desperate the new thing for ’09?