Can't let the lovin go...

Question… Have you ever mistaken a man with a really good penis for a really good man? This is an interesting phenomenon b/c there is a lot to be said about good loving. A number of situations bring me to writing about this particular topic. There have been plenty of women who have stayed with a guy a far too long simply b/c said man could put it down in the bedroom. I kinda get that, I think I tend to be more forgiving if my SO is putting it down right. Consistent exceptional loving tends to decrease ones “pettiness quotient" quite significantly. But is there a limit? Is there any penis good enough to make you put up with ridiculous shenanigans? I imagine there comes a point where no matter how good you’re getting done its not enough to get over being done wrong, right? Do guys go through the same thing? Do they stay with super crazy/unstable women just because she has really yummy and fun hot pocket?

Is he a cheat?

Question…is it true that a guy climaxes faster when he hasn’t had any in a while? I ask this question b/c a friend of mind had the following situation. Her and her guy hadn’t had sex in months (about 5) for a number of reasons. When they finally did have relations again she said it was great and long lasting. He tried out new tricks and everything. She felt that this was a sign that he had been with someone else during their hiatus. Now, I know plenty of guys claim that when they haven’t had any in a while the first time they get some they can release pretty quickly, but is this really true? Also does showing off new tricks indicate cheating? Just b/c they haven't had sex in months and when they finally did he was good with stamina doesn't mean he's a cheat right? Unfortunately, I can’t give this particular friend advice b/c I already think her man is cheating and probably has been for a while (but not for the reasons mentioned above). So since I can’t be objective I’ve decided to open it up for discussion. Should she be worried he’s been getting his loving elsewhere? Is it normal for a guy to climax quickly after they’ve been inactive for a while?

What does the "Man Law" Say?

Question…for guys, is there some kind of “man law” for dating a friend’s ex? I know with girls there is an understanding that you typically steer clear of any guy that your friend has had a relationship with. It just goes without saying that those guys are off limits, especially if they had a significant relationship with them. But is the same thing true for guys. If your friend dated a girl for a while and it didn’t work out, would she be fair game? Is it a situational thing? What if your friend had a kid with this girl, would that make her off limits? I ask b/c I’ve seen a few situations where guys have pursued or at least entertained dating the ex girlfriend of one of their close friends. It makes me wonder if the dynamics of male relationships are just exponentially different. Now understand I’m not talking about a jump off or a one night stand. I’m referring to a substantial relationship that for whatever reason didn’t work out. Does that woman become fair game?

Is there an obligation?

Question...as a woman, are you obligated to physically satisfy your man? This post is actually related to a very specific conversation I had with my friend. She is currently unable to engage in intercourse. It's been about a month and a half since she and her boyfriend got it in. Recently they got into a bit of a spat b/c he says that even though she can't give him sex, there is nothing wrong with her mouth (his exact words). Implying that since she can't give up the hot pocket, she should be giving up the next best thing...special kisses. She was pretty offended by this b/c that was the last thing on her mind. However, the whole thing made me think. If for whatever reason you couldn't have sex with your mate, does it become your job to find alternate ways to satisfy them...Maybe job is too strong of a word. Should you try to find other ways to satisfy your man? Does it depend on the level of the relationship (i.e. married, serious relationship, dating). Or is it offensive for a guy to even think such a thing?

Married, Separated, Divorced???

Question, is it ever ok to date a married man? I know most women probably said "hell to the naw" just now. But there are various states of married. There is the plain old married man, the separated man, and the man going through a divorce. Are any of these phases a green zone for dating? The first category is probably an easy no. But what about the second two? A number of things brought on this blog. I have personal experiences of married (though claiming to be separated) men trying to get time on my calendar. Now I don't judge anyone, but my personal feeling on the issue is that married is married. Even in a separation the two could still work things out. Heck even soon after the divorce they could work things out and I would hate to be the one factor that stops the couple from their potential reconciliation. Besides, if a person is still married on paper it kind of makes you feel like the dirty little mistress if you entertain a romance with them. And we won’t even get into all the potential emotional baggage they are probably dragging along with them. It’s just not my speed. But many women would argue that separated is as good as single.

I was speaking with an associate the other day; she's currently in a very serious relationship with a married, but separated man. Allegedly, he is reluctant to officially leave his wife b/c of the children in the situation. So he has his own apartment, while the wife and children live in his former home. He has a key to the house and is able to come and go there as he pleases. However, he assures this associate that he is only interested in the kids, not at all in their mother. She says she is quite happy, trusts him completely, and believes they will one day get married...OK, stranger things have happened right?

I also have a former coworker that believes any man is fair game. Her logic is "if he's coming after you then clearly something is wrong with the relationship, so go for it". I'm sure this is the less popular view, but in the age of high profile mistresses gaining fame for their indiscretions its clear many women are perfectly content being the other woman. Are these women wrong, selfish, stupid, misguided? Or are they just opportunistic?

So, I sincerely pose the question... Is it ever ok to date, pursue, or entertain a married man?

5 months and counting...

Question...if you had been dating a guy for 5 months and there was nothing going on in the loving department what would you think? This situation is a bit interesting b/c sex or the lack thereof can cause a number of problems in a relationship. So let’s say you've been dating a guy for 5 months and he does not want to have sex with you. He isn't a virgin and he's not waiting for marriage, he says he just wants to take his time? Would that be flattering? Would that be difficult to deal with? Personally speaking going 5 months without sex is easy when you aren't in a relationship, but when you're consistently dating someone that is pretty hard. I could respect a decision like that from a guy I was dealing with, but I also would not be able to be alone with them b/c I would probably attack them at some point. In the situation I speak of, the woman has actually made advances towards the guy, but he has turned her down.

Now for the sake of argument, isn't this rather refreshing? In an era of dating where sex is so commonplace, many folks these days get it in on the first date. So finding a guy that is willing to put in some serious time just being in the relationship and getting to know you is wonderful. It allows you to really see a person for who they are without being clouded by the sex. But if you are a person that likes to have sex when you're in a relationship something like that would be pretty hard to deal with. Especially when you offer up the hot pocket and the guy graciously declines. I mean where do you go from there? What is a reasonable waiting period for relations? At what point do you start to question the situation? What would you do about it?

Not dating, but "hanging out"

Question…What’s your definition of “hanging out”? I pose this question as it’s become glaringly clear to me that my definition of hanging out and guy’s definition of hanging out are two completely different things. To be more specific, my idea of hanging out means, not necessarily dating, but doing things with another person and getting to know them. I also think of “hanging out” in more of a platonic sense. However, I’m starting to feel like most guys consider hanging out as having sex with no strings attached and maybe going out from time to time. Now there is nothing wrong with the latter option, but I feel like “hanging out” isn’t the best term for that situation. If I knew up front that a guy was moreso just interested in having sex with me, I would at least know what I was getting into. Let’s be honest if I’m trying to get to know a person there is a certain level of effort I’ll put into doing that. However, if you just want to have sex and then go out from time to time, I would approach that situation differently. I probably wouldn’t put forth as much effort, I’d just call when I’m horny or when I don’t have any other plans. I feel like being forthcoming with your intentions is so much easier to deal with. There is no confusion that way. So now if a guy tells me he just wants to “hang out” I automatically assume he wants to have sex and treat the situation accordingly. Is that wrong? Could it simply be the guys I’ve met are just d-bags? What’s your definition of “hang out?

Dollars and Dating

Question...Do guys always have to pay for dates? I've actually had this conversation a few times in the past couple weeks with both men and women. One guy in particular felt very strong about the fact that it drives him crazy that women always expect the guy to pay for everything even when they are just "hanging out" (SN: I’ve also discovered that hanging out means completely different things to men and women, but that's another blog). Anyway, up until now I had never really given it much thought. A man paying for activities wasn't necessarily an expectation for me, but the overwhelming majority of guys I’ve dated/ "hung out" with paid for everything. Since I guess I’ve been spoiled, I always assume the guy is going to pay. I will admit that if I were on a first (or even second) date and a guy didn't/wouldn't pay or wanted to go dutch, it would be a turn off. However, if we were just friends I wouldn't mind picking up the bill from time to time or at least paying for myself. But generally I guess I do expect a guy to pay for whatever.

Many would attribute this whole thing to tradition. Typically when courting a woman a guy would take her out or buy her flowers, things like that. It’s safe to say that dating today is far from traditional. Some men would argue that if women can be "all independent and such" then they can pay for dates too. Now since I love ya'll I’m going to be all the way honest. I'm as independent as they come, but I will give you the side eye if we're out and you start acting crazy when the check comes. I know this sucks for guys b/c potentially that's a lot of money to kick out when you don't even know what's going to happen between you and said woman. But heck that's just the way it is right? If I were a guy I'd be a total jerk and feel like after a certain amount of dates and money spent you would have to give me some or I would stop talking to you...but this is why I'm a woman and also why I don't date much. However, if I’ve been seeing someone for a while I will gladly start offering to pay from time to time, but still I think I typically assume the guy taking me out will pay...Is that wrong? What do you think?

Sweetheart or stalker?

Question…is it flattering or scary if a potential researches you before the first date? Let’s say you meet a guy, have a bit of conversation, then exchange numbers. You chat with the fellow a few times and make plans for a date. By the time you go on the date you realize the person has done some extensive research on you. He’s googled you, checked out all your info on FB or myspace, or whatever form of social media you use. So on the date he begins asking you questions about things you know you didn’t tell him about. When you ask him how he knows all this stuff he tells you he looked you up to 1)get to know you better and 2) have more topics for conversation. Would you consider this flattering or a bit stalkerish?

Must Be Boning!

Question…do you let a “friend” borrow your car if you guys aren’t getting it in? Allow me to provide context. It is my personal belief that your car is a pretty valuable item to a person, you don’t just go handing it out all willy nilly. Close friends of the same sex is one thing, but friends of the opposite sex driving your car is something different. If you aren’t boning a guy/girl would you let them drive your car?

Maybe that’s too broad of a question, lets break it down a bit. Would you let them drive your car to the store if you didn’t feel like going? Would you let them drop you off at work and take your car for the day? Would you let them use your car for the weekend? Now I have both driven someone else’s and let someone drive my car for a bit, but in these cases I was boning the guy. If one of my plain old guy friends came asking me to use my car I would say no…in fact I don’t think any of them would even ask me. Am I wrong in my thinking? What do you think? What are your criteria for trusting a guy/girl with your vehicle?

Dating a Deadbeat Parent

Question…if you are dating a guy that you can tell isn’t a very good father to his kids, what do you do? A girl I knew went through this recently. She had been dating this guy that she really liked, but she knew he wasn’t really spending any time with his kid b/c he was spending it all with her. She also knew that he paid some child support, but he really didn’t do much outside of that. She wondered if it were her place to say something to him. As a single mother, I know that if I dated a guy that in my opinion didn’t do enough for his kids I would have to leave him alone. I just wouldn’t be able to date a man knowing he was giving less than 100% to his kids and that there was some woman out there having to deal with the same shenanigans I’ve had to put up with. But even deeper than that, I think the role they play in the lives of their child (ren) is a serious indication of their character. If they can justify not being around for their offspring, then what else can they justify? What kind of man could they be for you? This goes the same for guys who meet women that either don’t spend time with or poorly treat their children. Is this the equivalent of a big flashing red “leave them alone” sign? Is it your place to confront them about what they are doing/not doing? Is it grounds for relationship dismissal?

Would You Be Offended?

Question…is it wrong to ask a guy to leave after sex? So here is the thing, let’s say you meet a guy that you are primarily interested in physically. They may be nice and all, but you really just want one thing. You go out with the guy, have a decent time, invite him to come up at the end of the date, get it in, but then you are ready for him to leave. Or I’ll take it even further and say you invite someone over with the sole intention of lovin. After all is said and done is it rude or cold to want that person to just leave? And if so how do you go about it? Do you just say “hey that was fun, call you tomorrow”; do you ask them to leave; do you make up a story of having something else to do? And finally by doing this do you make yourself look like a woman of ill repute? I’m thinking as a woman I might be offended if a guy I was interested in wanted me to leave his place as soon as the lovin was over, unless we were on the same page about the situation. What do you think?

Married, but Maybe...

Question…is it ok for married people to make new friends of the opposite sex? This question comes from the past weekend. I met this guy that I thought was attractive. We chatted and danced for a bit then I saw he had a ring. So I said “so you’re married?” he says yes and asked me the same. After that I was prepared to say goodbye and walk away when he asked if we could have lunch sometime. So this got me to thinking all kinds of things. When it comes to marriage, where is the line? Is it ok for a married man or woman to accumulate new friends? If so what’s the procedure. Is it cool if the other spouse knows about it? Are you bound to only the friends you had before the relationship? Are you only allowed to make new friends of the same sex? Or only new couple friends? Is it possible for a married person and unmarried person of the opposite sex to be platonic friends? Do you think he would have gone home and said “oh yeah honey, btw I met this really nice girl today, we’re going to go grab lunch next week”. Or would he have kept it from her? The line just seemed so innocent coming out of his mouth like it’s not the first time he’s met someone in such a way. It wasn’t sneaky or adulterous but would it end up being sneaky and adulterous? Or could something seemingly innocent like lunch open the door for something inappropriate to happen and therefore such things should be avoided?