Sexy Friends...The new double standard

Question… Why are men thrown off by women that just want to be sexy friends and nothing more? This question comes from one of my loyal readers and she brings up an interesting point. For a long time men have been ok with just being sexy friends with women (for clarification, a sexy friend is a person that you have great ‘no strings attached’ sex with #thatisall). In these sexy friend scenarios if the guy wanted to talk, or go out, or do other dating like things (in addition to the sex) they could call on their sexy friend and she’d usually oblige. Typically in these situations if the woman started to “catch feelings” the guy would quickly remind her that they are just sexy friends. Well it seems that these days more women are opting for the no strings options with men, but some men aren’t as good as handling being treated this way by women. Now from my very unofficial process of consensus building (i.e. talking to a few of my friends) for a woman there are a couple of rules to sexy friends and they are at follows 1) we are not real friends, we are simply two people that like having sex with each other. 2) talking (unless its related to the details of when/where/how the sex will talk place) isn’t really necessary. 3) both parties should wake up in their own beds…there is no need for any dating like behavior b/c that just makes things too sticky. 4) when the sexy friend situation has run its course let’s just move on, no need to discuss anything. However, when such rules are implemented by the women some men can be a bit taken aback by it. It can sometimes come as a shock that the woman has no interest in participating in any of that extra stuff, she just wants sex. So…Why is it okay for a man to get what he needs out of a sexy friendship, but it seems to be assumed that a woman will be open to more if the guy decides he wants it?

Can't let the lovin go...

Question… Have you ever mistaken a man with a really good penis for a really good man? This is an interesting phenomenon b/c there is a lot to be said about good loving. A number of situations bring me to writing about this particular topic. There have been plenty of women who have stayed with a guy a far too long simply b/c said man could put it down in the bedroom. I kinda get that, I think I tend to be more forgiving if my SO is putting it down right. Consistent exceptional loving tends to decrease ones “pettiness quotient" quite significantly. But is there a limit? Is there any penis good enough to make you put up with ridiculous shenanigans? I imagine there comes a point where no matter how good you’re getting done its not enough to get over being done wrong, right? Do guys go through the same thing? Do they stay with super crazy/unstable women just because she has really yummy and fun hot pocket?

Is he a cheat?

Question…is it true that a guy climaxes faster when he hasn’t had any in a while? I ask this question b/c a friend of mind had the following situation. Her and her guy hadn’t had sex in months (about 5) for a number of reasons. When they finally did have relations again she said it was great and long lasting. He tried out new tricks and everything. She felt that this was a sign that he had been with someone else during their hiatus. Now, I know plenty of guys claim that when they haven’t had any in a while the first time they get some they can release pretty quickly, but is this really true? Also does showing off new tricks indicate cheating? Just b/c they haven't had sex in months and when they finally did he was good with stamina doesn't mean he's a cheat right? Unfortunately, I can’t give this particular friend advice b/c I already think her man is cheating and probably has been for a while (but not for the reasons mentioned above). So since I can’t be objective I’ve decided to open it up for discussion. Should she be worried he’s been getting his loving elsewhere? Is it normal for a guy to climax quickly after they’ve been inactive for a while?

You have one...down there?

Question…how would you feel if your other had a piercing down there? I got this from something I heard on the radio the other day. This girl was wondering why a guy she had been dating for a few weeks just stopped calling her out of the blue. They had been seeing each other and things were going really well. So they got to the point where she was ready to give him the hot pocket. As they are in foreplay mode he begins to go down on her, stops, then gets up and leaves. After this he won’t return her calls or anything, no communication at all. She called the station to try and figure out what happened and it turns out the girl had like three hoops piercing her hot pocket and the guy freaked out and left. He said that any woman that has hot pocket jewelry is probably loose and devoid of morals and he no longer wanted to date her (even though before this incident he thought she was perfect). So I ask you, Is hot pocket jewelry a deal breaker? What if you are dating a guy and when you go to shake hands with his little friend there’s some precious metal down there? Now I don’t know any guys with pole piercings, but I know some women who have hot pocket piercings and they say it makes the loving extra fantastic #imjustsaying. I have to say though if a person does have something wouldn't it be proper ettiquette to least give a warning. Its kind of awkward to be surprised by foreign objects in the nether regions especially in a passionate moment. Would that freak you out? Would that be enough to end the courtship? Does having genital adornments automatically make you a whore/manwhore, devoid of morality?

From lovin to loving?

Question… Is it possible to go from being just “buddies” to being a couple? Every once in a while one might find themselves in a mutually beneficial, no strings attached sexual relationship. This can be a very convenient situation if both parties are in the same place about it. But what happens when one or both parties think there could be something more? Is it possible to go from “knowing” each other strictly in the biblical sense to actually trying to get to know each other in every other sense? Would it be more difficult? Easier? My initial thoughts on this are that things could get a bit messy. And if for some reason things didn’t work out with the dating, not only would you lose someone you like, you’d also be giving up some good mutually beneficial loving. On the other hand if things did work out you’d have the best of both worlds. I gave this some thought and the interesting thing about sex is that two people can have great sex with each other, without actually knowing each other that well. And the interesting thing about that is sexual chemistry can sometimes mislead you into believing there could be some other kind of chemistry. With that being said, should you even entertain the whole sexing to dating transition or should you embrace the hopeless romantic philosophy and simply follow your heart?

What does the "Man Law" Say?

Question…for guys, is there some kind of “man law” for dating a friend’s ex? I know with girls there is an understanding that you typically steer clear of any guy that your friend has had a relationship with. It just goes without saying that those guys are off limits, especially if they had a significant relationship with them. But is the same thing true for guys. If your friend dated a girl for a while and it didn’t work out, would she be fair game? Is it a situational thing? What if your friend had a kid with this girl, would that make her off limits? I ask b/c I’ve seen a few situations where guys have pursued or at least entertained dating the ex girlfriend of one of their close friends. It makes me wonder if the dynamics of male relationships are just exponentially different. Now understand I’m not talking about a jump off or a one night stand. I’m referring to a substantial relationship that for whatever reason didn’t work out. Does that woman become fair game?

No babies over here

Question...If you find out the person you've been dating, the person that you really like is infertile is that a deal breaker? It’s interesting to be at that point in life where issues of fertility actually come in to play. Back in my early 20s it was assumed that whenever I was ready the babies would come. But at this point in life (although I’m as fertile as they come it seems) I've seen people close to me deal with fertility issues...both male and female. So it got me to wondering, in this time where dating is a lot more serious is fertility (or lack there of) a deal breaker. Let’s say you've been dating someone for a month or two and you know you really like them and feel like a future could be possible. They then tell you they can't have kids...Understand we are not talking about them not wanting to have them b/c that's an easier answer, but for this situation they are saying they are incapable of having a child themselves. Is it fair/warranted/understandable to end the courtship? If it’s a good guy/girl should you at continue the relationship and deal with the kid issue later down the line?

Is there an obligation?

Question...as a woman, are you obligated to physically satisfy your man? This post is actually related to a very specific conversation I had with my friend. She is currently unable to engage in intercourse. It's been about a month and a half since she and her boyfriend got it in. Recently they got into a bit of a spat b/c he says that even though she can't give him sex, there is nothing wrong with her mouth (his exact words). Implying that since she can't give up the hot pocket, she should be giving up the next best thing...special kisses. She was pretty offended by this b/c that was the last thing on her mind. However, the whole thing made me think. If for whatever reason you couldn't have sex with your mate, does it become your job to find alternate ways to satisfy them...Maybe job is too strong of a word. Should you try to find other ways to satisfy your man? Does it depend on the level of the relationship (i.e. married, serious relationship, dating). Or is it offensive for a guy to even think such a thing?

Married, Separated, Divorced???

Question, is it ever ok to date a married man? I know most women probably said "hell to the naw" just now. But there are various states of married. There is the plain old married man, the separated man, and the man going through a divorce. Are any of these phases a green zone for dating? The first category is probably an easy no. But what about the second two? A number of things brought on this blog. I have personal experiences of married (though claiming to be separated) men trying to get time on my calendar. Now I don't judge anyone, but my personal feeling on the issue is that married is married. Even in a separation the two could still work things out. Heck even soon after the divorce they could work things out and I would hate to be the one factor that stops the couple from their potential reconciliation. Besides, if a person is still married on paper it kind of makes you feel like the dirty little mistress if you entertain a romance with them. And we won’t even get into all the potential emotional baggage they are probably dragging along with them. It’s just not my speed. But many women would argue that separated is as good as single.

I was speaking with an associate the other day; she's currently in a very serious relationship with a married, but separated man. Allegedly, he is reluctant to officially leave his wife b/c of the children in the situation. So he has his own apartment, while the wife and children live in his former home. He has a key to the house and is able to come and go there as he pleases. However, he assures this associate that he is only interested in the kids, not at all in their mother. She says she is quite happy, trusts him completely, and believes they will one day get married...OK, stranger things have happened right?

I also have a former coworker that believes any man is fair game. Her logic is "if he's coming after you then clearly something is wrong with the relationship, so go for it". I'm sure this is the less popular view, but in the age of high profile mistresses gaining fame for their indiscretions its clear many women are perfectly content being the other woman. Are these women wrong, selfish, stupid, misguided? Or are they just opportunistic?

So, I sincerely pose the question... Is it ever ok to date, pursue, or entertain a married man?

5 months and counting...

Question...if you had been dating a guy for 5 months and there was nothing going on in the loving department what would you think? This situation is a bit interesting b/c sex or the lack thereof can cause a number of problems in a relationship. So let’s say you've been dating a guy for 5 months and he does not want to have sex with you. He isn't a virgin and he's not waiting for marriage, he says he just wants to take his time? Would that be flattering? Would that be difficult to deal with? Personally speaking going 5 months without sex is easy when you aren't in a relationship, but when you're consistently dating someone that is pretty hard. I could respect a decision like that from a guy I was dealing with, but I also would not be able to be alone with them b/c I would probably attack them at some point. In the situation I speak of, the woman has actually made advances towards the guy, but he has turned her down.

Now for the sake of argument, isn't this rather refreshing? In an era of dating where sex is so commonplace, many folks these days get it in on the first date. So finding a guy that is willing to put in some serious time just being in the relationship and getting to know you is wonderful. It allows you to really see a person for who they are without being clouded by the sex. But if you are a person that likes to have sex when you're in a relationship something like that would be pretty hard to deal with. Especially when you offer up the hot pocket and the guy graciously declines. I mean where do you go from there? What is a reasonable waiting period for relations? At what point do you start to question the situation? What would you do about it?

Not dating, but "hanging out"

Question…What’s your definition of “hanging out”? I pose this question as it’s become glaringly clear to me that my definition of hanging out and guy’s definition of hanging out are two completely different things. To be more specific, my idea of hanging out means, not necessarily dating, but doing things with another person and getting to know them. I also think of “hanging out” in more of a platonic sense. However, I’m starting to feel like most guys consider hanging out as having sex with no strings attached and maybe going out from time to time. Now there is nothing wrong with the latter option, but I feel like “hanging out” isn’t the best term for that situation. If I knew up front that a guy was moreso just interested in having sex with me, I would at least know what I was getting into. Let’s be honest if I’m trying to get to know a person there is a certain level of effort I’ll put into doing that. However, if you just want to have sex and then go out from time to time, I would approach that situation differently. I probably wouldn’t put forth as much effort, I’d just call when I’m horny or when I don’t have any other plans. I feel like being forthcoming with your intentions is so much easier to deal with. There is no confusion that way. So now if a guy tells me he just wants to “hang out” I automatically assume he wants to have sex and treat the situation accordingly. Is that wrong? Could it simply be the guys I’ve met are just d-bags? What’s your definition of “hang out?

Dollars and Dating

Question...Do guys always have to pay for dates? I've actually had this conversation a few times in the past couple weeks with both men and women. One guy in particular felt very strong about the fact that it drives him crazy that women always expect the guy to pay for everything even when they are just "hanging out" (SN: I’ve also discovered that hanging out means completely different things to men and women, but that's another blog). Anyway, up until now I had never really given it much thought. A man paying for activities wasn't necessarily an expectation for me, but the overwhelming majority of guys I’ve dated/ "hung out" with paid for everything. Since I guess I’ve been spoiled, I always assume the guy is going to pay. I will admit that if I were on a first (or even second) date and a guy didn't/wouldn't pay or wanted to go dutch, it would be a turn off. However, if we were just friends I wouldn't mind picking up the bill from time to time or at least paying for myself. But generally I guess I do expect a guy to pay for whatever.

Many would attribute this whole thing to tradition. Typically when courting a woman a guy would take her out or buy her flowers, things like that. It’s safe to say that dating today is far from traditional. Some men would argue that if women can be "all independent and such" then they can pay for dates too. Now since I love ya'll I’m going to be all the way honest. I'm as independent as they come, but I will give you the side eye if we're out and you start acting crazy when the check comes. I know this sucks for guys b/c potentially that's a lot of money to kick out when you don't even know what's going to happen between you and said woman. But heck that's just the way it is right? If I were a guy I'd be a total jerk and feel like after a certain amount of dates and money spent you would have to give me some or I would stop talking to you...but this is why I'm a woman and also why I don't date much. However, if I’ve been seeing someone for a while I will gladly start offering to pay from time to time, but still I think I typically assume the guy taking me out will pay...Is that wrong? What do you think?

Sweetheart or stalker?

Question…is it flattering or scary if a potential researches you before the first date? Let’s say you meet a guy, have a bit of conversation, then exchange numbers. You chat with the fellow a few times and make plans for a date. By the time you go on the date you realize the person has done some extensive research on you. He’s googled you, checked out all your info on FB or myspace, or whatever form of social media you use. So on the date he begins asking you questions about things you know you didn’t tell him about. When you ask him how he knows all this stuff he tells you he looked you up to 1)get to know you better and 2) have more topics for conversation. Would you consider this flattering or a bit stalkerish?

Rules of Quitting...

Question…if you are early on in dating a person and for whatever reason you decide to quit them, do you need to officially let them know they’ve been quit or is it ok to just disappear? Now understand with this I’m not talking about a serious relationship b/c clearly that deserves an actual ending. But let’s say you’ve only gone out on two or three dates and you realize they just aren’t it. Can you just slowly stop returning their calls or stop accepting dates and try to end them into the friend zone? Is that rude? What if you’ve given them some lovin and then you realize it’s just not going to work…does the introduction of lovin warrant a face to face quitting? What’s appropriate?

Must Be Boning!

Question…do you let a “friend” borrow your car if you guys aren’t getting it in? Allow me to provide context. It is my personal belief that your car is a pretty valuable item to a person, you don’t just go handing it out all willy nilly. Close friends of the same sex is one thing, but friends of the opposite sex driving your car is something different. If you aren’t boning a guy/girl would you let them drive your car?

Maybe that’s too broad of a question, lets break it down a bit. Would you let them drive your car to the store if you didn’t feel like going? Would you let them drop you off at work and take your car for the day? Would you let them use your car for the weekend? Now I have both driven someone else’s and let someone drive my car for a bit, but in these cases I was boning the guy. If one of my plain old guy friends came asking me to use my car I would say no…in fact I don’t think any of them would even ask me. Am I wrong in my thinking? What do you think? What are your criteria for trusting a guy/girl with your vehicle?

But you say he's just a friend...

Question...Is it okay to have your child around "friends" of the opposite sex? Now in this case I mean a true friend, someone whose company you enjoy. Not a friend with benefits or a friend that's really a significant other, but you don't have "titles". I mean a 100% platonic almost a sibling kind of friend. Now that that's clear let me give a bit more context to the question. John and Sue have a son. The son lives with Sue and John gets him from time to time. On one particular occasion when John was bringing the son home, Sue had an old friend over that had just stopped by when he was in the neighborhood. John was cordial during the exchange, but later had a few choice words for Sue regarding having his son around "random negros". Sue tried to explain it wasn't like that he was just a friend and nothing more so it shouldn't be a big deal. But it was for John.

Now, if you have a child and are no longer involved with the other person it’s expected that you both will have all types of friends. Most females I know have huge problems with a guy having their child around "random women" and clearly guys have the same feeling about "random men". But I think this is more in the context of romantic friends. We all have friends of the opposite sex so is it ever ok to have your kid(s) around them? Or should you never have your child around anyone of the opposite sex? Is your co parent justified in getting upset if he/she finds out a friend has been with you when you had the kid(s)? Was Sue out of line or is John just being petty?

Dating a Deadbeat Parent

Question…if you are dating a guy that you can tell isn’t a very good father to his kids, what do you do? A girl I knew went through this recently. She had been dating this guy that she really liked, but she knew he wasn’t really spending any time with his kid b/c he was spending it all with her. She also knew that he paid some child support, but he really didn’t do much outside of that. She wondered if it were her place to say something to him. As a single mother, I know that if I dated a guy that in my opinion didn’t do enough for his kids I would have to leave him alone. I just wouldn’t be able to date a man knowing he was giving less than 100% to his kids and that there was some woman out there having to deal with the same shenanigans I’ve had to put up with. But even deeper than that, I think the role they play in the lives of their child (ren) is a serious indication of their character. If they can justify not being around for their offspring, then what else can they justify? What kind of man could they be for you? This goes the same for guys who meet women that either don’t spend time with or poorly treat their children. Is this the equivalent of a big flashing red “leave them alone” sign? Is it your place to confront them about what they are doing/not doing? Is it grounds for relationship dismissal?

Oh, by the way...

Question...when meeting someone new, at what point should you mention that you have kids? I actually pondered this recently as I met a guy that at the time could have been a potential. The first time we talked I didn't mention kids at all, I don't believe, b/c the conversation just never went there. However, after the first conversation, when I thought I might let him take me out I brought it up just so it would be out in the open. However, I have a friend who talked to a guy for a few weeks before he made any mention of the fact he had multiple children. Its interesting b/c as a single parent I don't want to tattoo "hey I have kids" on my forehead. When I meet someone I want to at least do the first assessment of whether I even like them, but I also want to be sure I put it out there early just in case it’s a deal breaker for someone. I think that info should come out no later than the first date or by the 2nd or 3rd conversation...What do you think?

Would You Be Offended?

Question…is it wrong to ask a guy to leave after sex? So here is the thing, let’s say you meet a guy that you are primarily interested in physically. They may be nice and all, but you really just want one thing. You go out with the guy, have a decent time, invite him to come up at the end of the date, get it in, but then you are ready for him to leave. Or I’ll take it even further and say you invite someone over with the sole intention of lovin. After all is said and done is it rude or cold to want that person to just leave? And if so how do you go about it? Do you just say “hey that was fun, call you tomorrow”; do you ask them to leave; do you make up a story of having something else to do? And finally by doing this do you make yourself look like a woman of ill repute? I’m thinking as a woman I might be offended if a guy I was interested in wanted me to leave his place as soon as the lovin was over, unless we were on the same page about the situation. What do you think?

Is It Worth the Argument?

Question...In a co parenting relationship at what point should you question how much time the other parent is spending with the child? Allow me to explain this a bit further. Let’s say you are in a friendly co parenting relationship. Parent A is the primary caretaker of the child and parent B gets the child on weekends. However, parent B has a part time job and other obligations on the weekends that keep them from being home with the child. So when the child goes with parent B on their weekend the child is being watched by parent B’s significant other probably 65% to 75% of the time. Should parent A have a problem with this? Is it parent A’s place to bring it up? What could be a possible resolution to this problem? Is it more of a problem that parent B’s SO is watching the child? What do you think?

Single Lady...Not Any More!

Question…Exactly how much of your single woman behavior must change when you get into a relationship? So I was talking to a very close friend of mine that is battling this issue in her relationship. She and the guy have known each other for years and have officially been together for about a year now. However, in the past 4 or 5 months he’s begun to tighten up the reigns on her quite significantly. For example, he does not like her hanging out with her single friends (which happens to be the majority of her friends). When/if she does go out he expects her to be in the house by 11pm. She once attended a dinner party at a close friend’s house and didn’t get back home until around 1am. When they finally spoke he accused her of acting like she was still single. He also no longer wants her taking trips (something she’s been doing for years) with her single friends b/c he considers it disrespectful to him…since they are in a relationship and all. In addition to all this there are the standard “rules” of letting him know where she’s going, what she’s doing, making sure she answers the phone when he calls (or quickly returns the call) blah, blah, blah.
So I’m all for relationships and I totally understand that there are certain courtesies that you give your SO when in a relationship, like telling them when you are going out and maybe who you’re hanging out with. But are curfews reasonable? Are you supposed to distance yourself from your single friends once you have a relationship? After all, those friends were the same ones that were around before the relationship? When in a relationship is it disrespectful to go on a fun weekend trip with the girls? Is it fair for the guy to expect her to change so much simply because she’s “not single anymore”? And finally what should she do if she doesn’t like the new rules?

Baby Daddy Drama

Question…Why do guys think they can always “come back” to the mother of their child? So there is this young lady I know, her child is about 7 mos old and she and the father are no longer together. In fact the father of the child is in a relationship and lives with his girlfriend who believes they are getting married this year. The situation between my friend and her bd is cool, she is not interested in a romantic relationship with him, but wants some level of friendship established for the child. Well the dad has been making passes at my friend whenever he comes over to get the baby. Sometimes his girlfriend will be in the car waiting for him to get the baby, and he will be telling my friend how much he misses her or trying to hug her and kiss her. The other day he told her he didn’t know if he would ever stop being attracted to her and tried to make another pass. He’s pretty much made it clear that he’s interested in at least a physical relationship with her, even though he lives with his girlfriend. Again my friend is no longer interested in him and shuts down his advances when he makes them, but she also wonders how long it will take for him to stop with the games. Is this guy just a dog who wants to have his cake and eat it too? Is it possible that he’s just so caught up in having a baby that he is having misguided feelings for the mother of his child? Or is there the expectation that just because they conceived a child together, he can just get it whenever he wants?