Last Name Debate

Question... If you happen to get knocked up and you are not with the father anymore, should the baby still get daddy's last name? I had this discussion last night with my friend. I have a boy and his father and I (although we were together when he as born) were not married. it was always my feeling that my baby would have my last name since I wasn't married. I told him that when we did get married I would change the boy's last name along with mine. For some reason it was important for me to share the same name as my child. However, my friend says that a child should always get the father's last name regardless b/c its tradition and b/c its "his child too" and they could lose that piece of their identity. Yes it is a tradition... because traditionally people were married when they brought children into the world so everyone had the man's last name. But given the nontraditional birthings of late is this still the standard. I personally think that if the two people are not married at the time of birth then the child should have the mother's last name unless she wants to give the child the dad's name. Its not a thing of spite or ill will, just logistics. And though it is nothing to brag about, I have a number of women in my extended family that have experienced single-motherhood and they each gave the baby their name with the exception of a few that actually had pending marriages. So I think that's completely normal. But I could be very wrong in my thinking. What do you think? and why?

Breaking up in the era of social networking

Question... how sucky is it to have to change your status when you break up. I'm on facebook as we speak (yes I can multi task) and I just saw that one of my friends (not a real friend just a FB friend) is no longer in a relationship with the lovely broken heart picture next to it. This made me think of how depressing it is to date with all this social media. I mean its great when you change your status from single to "in a relationship" all your friends see it and they are all happy, maybe even write cool things on your wall like "someone is actually desperate enough to date you" but its cute and you are happy.

Then the person your dating start exhibiting heathen behavior and you have to break up. But then you are no longer "in a relationship" with the heart picture... you are "no longer in a relationship" with the broken heart picture. You have gone from being happy lucky guy/gal to loser that's alone again. At least that's what i imagine it feels like when you're already in the dumps behind the break up.

What about when you go through that weird phase where you break up and get back together several times within a few months. Do you change your status each time or just remain single or remain in a relationship the whole time. I wonder if there is a way to opt out of the whole relationship status thing. I don't think I'll ever change my status until I'm married.

Then why have the crappy heart broken heart thing. I think you should be able to write your own labels instead of "no longer in a relationship" why can't the message say "that bastard wasn't good enough so I dropped him like a bad habit" or "we're together today, but he has one more time to piss me off" or "i might have to cut somebody" or even better "I'm single, he just doesn't know it yet"

But I Upgraded You

Question… Is it harder to leave a person when you feel as though you have put a lot of work into them? What I mean by this is often a couple gets together and one person kind of gets upgraded. Meaning maybe you help them get a new, better paying job, maybe you’ve helped them do some networking and make advances in their field, maybe you’ve helped them polish their image a bit. Maybe you’ve spend hours helping them look for a house or apartment, redoing their resume, helping them get over the loss of a loved one. Whatever the situation, we all know how it feels to have put a significant amount of work (mental and emotional) into a relationship. However, when things are going good this isn’t a problem because helping them essentially helps you and you want to be there as a resource and support system. But what about when they start acting crazy and screwing up, doing things that could very reasonably cause you to leave. As your sitting by yourself or with friends contemplating whether to stay our go, how big of a role does the investment you put in play. I know for some women, its almost like if you leave someone else will benefit from all the work you did with the heathen man. For guys is it the same way, if you’ve upgraded a woman is it harder to leave her alone. Do you also feel almost like how dare they act crazy after all you’ve done? Is it wrong to feel that way? Not to say that a person owes you anything in a materialistic sense, but in a sense of respect and consideration shouldn’t they treat you a little nicer if you have helped them attain some of their goals in life?

What to do, what to do?

Question... When you break up with a guy do you have to break up with the friends too? So here is the situation, you meet a guy or girl who is great (of course they're really a heathen, they just trying to trap you). As the relationship progresses you start to meet their friends and their friends are great. You become particularly close to one of the friends and you guys just start hangout together outside of "date" stuff with your other. Well eventually things with the other start to fall apart and the friend is there for you and still wants to be friends despite the fact that they are still friends with the other. You really like their friendship too and don't want to lose that. But then things get sticky. What about when your ex finds a new person, then your friend is going to all the old hang out spots with your old guy and their new interest. How suckey is that? Or what about when the friend plans some big party and you know your ex will be there. What if your ex shows up with his new person and you are there too. It could make for a ton of very awkward situations. So what do you do? Do you have to lose the friend when you lose the guy or is there a way for this situation to work out for the best?

Breaking up is hard to do

Question...When it comes to breaking up, is there a "right" way to do it? What I mean by this is, it is ok to send a text or an e mail to break up with someone. For all of the SATC lovers we remember when Berger broke up with Carrie on a post it note. How tacky was that? But is a text break up just as tacky. I guess if I looked at my phone and saw "hey, dont want 2 date u ne more...l8r" I would be pretty offended. What about the e mail. I think e mails are great because you can say all the things you want to say, read it over to make sure its sounds ok, then send it knowing that you have done your best to convey a kind, but clear statement. Whereas in person break up can get ugly maybe you'll have an argument, curse a couple times, call the person a few unkind names. Then what? But if you've been with a person for a while do you then kind of owe them the in person? What about a person you've only been dating a couple months, is ok to just stop talking to them? I have a friend who always says she's "deleted" folks. Basically meaning they've done something heathenous and she's not talking to them anymore and they have been deleted from her phone...I love that. Anyway, what is the right way and are there certain factors that determine the right way to kick someone to the curb?

Make it work or let it go?

Question... if you are married and your partner cheats are you obligated to work it out or is that grounds to end the marriage? This is a very interesting question as many marriages have ended over cheating. However, there are many with a far more traditional opinion of marriage that feel that you work out your differences no matter what. When you think of the traditional wedding vows you do kind of pledge in front of God and everyone else that you are going to stick with this person for the rest of your life "until death do you part" "for better or worse" "loving unconditionally". So does all this go out the window if they cheat. Does that make the contract null and void? Or is there a higher level of responsibility for married couples to try and get past such a thing? Of course if you're just dating and some joker cheats then go ahead and get rid of him/her. But when you've taken the big leap with them shouldn't you give it more. It sometimes seems that the marriages of some aren't any different than long term relationships. People get divorced when they get tired of the other, they "don't love them anymore", or a newer younger model is on the market. With that being said there are many completely understandable and justifiable situations where a divorce is necessary. Is cheating one of those situations? Can you get past a cheating wife or husband? If so how? Will the marriage ever be the same? Can the trust ever be fully restored? If you are married and your spouse commits adultery is it okay to just leave them or are you obligated to try and work it out?

Why is it so hard?

Question... why is it so hard to end a bad relationship? This is a question that I've asked myself many times. I'm sure everyone has experienced or knows someone that was in a terrible relationship with some heathen man or woman. The relationship could have started out great (or just been shenanigans all along), but at some point it got really bad. Whether the other cheated, was manipulative, insensitive, or even abusive (emotionally, verbally, or physically) you (or someone you know) wouldn't leave, they just continued to deal with the nonsense. Even if it really hurt them. What is it about love that makes you stay with someone despite all these things. I know love is supposedly blind, but is it also deaf, mute, and stupid too. My first inclination is to say yes, as I have been each of those things at some point in love. However, as I look back on those situations I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Granted hindsight is 20/20. I wonder if sometimes we confuse love for comfort or security. Or do we love the idea of what the relationship could be or what we hope will be? Love, as splendid as it is can be one of the most crippling adversaries you come up against in life. Mother never told me love would be this complicated. I mean in all the fairy tales it was easy, the beautiful princess would be attacked by some evil villain and the charming prince would rescue her and they would live happily ever after. No one ever said the villain could end up being prince charming himself. Or that after rescuing you he might get tired of having you around and cheat with some other princess. Or that he might not be ready for the commitment of "ever after" but he wants you to hang around the castle, act like his princess, and wait for him to be ready (which may happen next week or years from now). At any rate win you are in this state of love a certain level of sensibility seems to go away and make you do things you wouldn't normally do (kinda like getting drunk i guess). Why is it so hard to be objective and walk away when it just isn't right?

We need to talk..

Question... How do you tell your man you're not satisfied? My last blog made me think about this a little more. How do you tell your man you aren't satisfied with their lovin.  What if they are too small or too big, what if they lack stamina, or just plain don't know what they are doing? How do you bring this subject up in a way that won't make them uncomfortable or defensive? I mean ideally you want a situation where both parties are getting everything they want out of the physical aspect of the relationship, but if the sex is lacking something has to be said right? I do believe that sex is a very important aspect of a relationship and if it is lacking it can effect other aspects of the relationship (just as well other aspects can effect the sex). Anyway, how do you have this conversation, is there a best time? best place? what do you say? and what happens next? how do you ensure there won't be any hurt feelings?

Never... not ever

Questions... Is it that common to have never had an orgasm? This questions comes from a show I was watching and the conversation that followed. In the show a woman in her 30s was talking about how she had never had an orgasm while having sex. So that lead to the conversation about orgasms in general, how often they occur, and what can be done to ensure they occur. Now we all know that achieving orgasm is different for men than for women. Men typically achieve this a little easier. Women require more effort and time. After having the discussion with a few people it became clear that it is quite common for women not to achieve orgasm during actual intercourse. Many need some additional stimulation (if you know what I mean) to get to that point. But how common is it for a sexually active woman to have never ever achieve an orgasm? and if you are one of these woman do you fake them with your man? Finally, if you are actively having sex and never climaxing, is the sex truly satisfying for you? I would think it would be like watching a great movie and stopping just before the ending, or watching your favorite football team down by 2 points at the end of the 4th quarter, they just intercepted the ball and the cable goes off. But I could be wrong...what do you think?