YBR-- Don't it Always Seem to Go...

Questions... Why is it that guys are always much more interested in you when you are not longer interested in them? This is a phenomenon that I have never understood and I know I'm not the only woman to experience this. So I have so many illustrations of this craziness, but I'll just talk about a couple. First, girl sees guy that she really likes, guy seems interested too. So they go out on a few dates, have a great time, girl thinks things are cool. So she starts to invite him out more so they can continue to get to know each other. Guy starts acting distant. This goes on for about a month and girl finally gives up and stops calling. Weeks later guy is calling and texting again talking about "we haven't hung out in so long, I really want to see you" or even better "I really miss spending time with you when can I see you again". Next example guy and girl date for about 6 months and things seem to be going right, then guy seemingly out of now where says he just can't deal with a relationship anymore...he has some things he just needs to work out for himself. So girl accepts the information, they remain "friends" for a while, then she starts to move on. All of a sudden guy wants to invite her to parties, out on dates with his couple friends, wants to take those trips they talked about when they were together. I understand the thrill of the chase, but is it really that deep. You have a woman, you take her for granted, she leaves (or you push her away), then the chase is back on to get her back? And then will this cycle just repeat itself if you get her back. I just can't understand why this happens so often. Its almost like if you really like a guy you have to pretend to be indifferent and uncaring for a while just to keep things going. Who has times for games like that?

YBR-- The Milk, but not the Cow

Question…What’s up with men wanting all the aspects of a relationship without making it official? (Disclaimer: I am not referring to all men, just a substantial many. I realize that there are many good men out there that are ready for a relationship. I recognize and appreciate such men…Anyway). I’ve had a ton of experience with these shenanigans. You meet a guy, you date, you date for a while, things seem to be going well, but instead of actually becoming a couple they “don’t want to define things”. Or they “just want to keep things the way they are”. It all boils down to the fact that they don’t want to be in an actual relationship. However, they want you to be exclusive to them, they want you to act like their girlfriend and be there whenever they need you, they expect to get lovin on regular basis. They want you to take on all the responsibilities of a girlfriend…without the commitment. What kind of malarkey is that? I myself have been in this situation before and after a while you really start to wonder what the heck the problem is. If you applied for a job and were told…we want you to take on all these responsibilities, put forth your best effort in getting your work done on time, and always be available in case we need you…but by the way we don’t really want to give you a paycheck. Would you go for that? It’s like putting all your savings in a stock that promises no return on investment. And we all know relationships (whether you have a title or not) are huge investments of time and emotion. Am I making too big of a deal with this, should we just be willing to go with the flow? What’s the deal with the guys, why are they so averse to making it official?

YBR-- Getting out of the Weird Space

Question…Have you ever gotten to that place where you and your mate are fighting for no reason. Somehow everything they say sets you off and vice versa. It’s a very weird place to be in and it can definitely cause some distance between you and your other. I’ve always wondered what causes this, is it just a natural cycle of a relationship? Is it a result of just needing some space from your other? And what do you do to get out of the strange place. I heard somewhere…maybe on the radio that in long term relationships you often have to get to know your other again throughout the relationship as the two of you change. They suggested that in times when you're not talking (or always doing petty bickering) with your other to try small icebreakers to lighten the things up and put you both in a more receptive mood. Logically it seems like a decent move considering no one likes being in that weird space with their other. Any other suggestions for getting past this phase?

YBR-- Trading Places

Question… if a guy is less than responsive early in a relationship is it because he’s not that into you or is it that he wants you to pursue him a little. This comes from a discussion I had with a friend of mine over lunch today. We were both talking about how we had stopped talking to guys because they didn’t seem very interested. This is usually marked by not calling, not initiating dates, or putting forth any real effort towards getting to know each other. The interesting thing about these men is when you’re with them everything is great and it seems as though the interest is mutual and as long as you keep calling and asking them out things will seem fine. However, the second you stop initiating things just fizzle out. It lead me to wonder if there are a ton of decent guys out there that just prefer for the woman to do the courting early on in the relationship. I for one am not really into all that. I don’t mind putting forth my share of effort, but I need you to show me you want me. Which is why if I’m dating someone and they aren’t giving me anything back I just move on. So my question is…is my thinking a bit too hasty? Do men prefer to be courted or are they just not interested? I was always told if a man really wants you he’ll put in the work, does this still hold true or is it old school advice?

YBR-- Where are all the good men/women?

Question…Where did all the good men and women go? This is a question I’ve heard asked my many people. Many of my male friends only want a good woman, but for some reason they just can’t find one. This is even more so the case for my female friends. The search for a reasonable man is just about as successful as the search for WMDs in the Middle East. How is it possible that all these men are searching for good women and all these women are searching for good men, but both parties keeps coming up empty handed. What’s the problem, I mean I know women (esp black women) have been accused of being too picky. I’m not sure what constitutes as being too picky, but most of us just want an employed, intelligent, interesting man, preferably with some ambition, and his own home and car. I don’t think that’s asking too much. To be honest I don’t really understand why my male friends have such trouble finding women. I mean simply look at the ratio of men to women, its like a candy store of ladies to choose from. All colors and flavors out there for you. I guess it’s a matter of quality rather than quantity in this situation. But for women it’s a little different. Not as many men to choose from, crazy competition from other woman who sniff out decent men like blood hounds. If you have any preferences like gainfully employed, college educated, and interested in a serious relationship the pool gets even smaller. Understand I’m not implying there are no good men out there because I’m positive there are a decent number, they are simply a little difficult to find.

YBR-- Where do you draw the line?

Question…where do you draw the line when it comes to your SO (significant other) having friends of the opposite sex? So have you ever started dating a guy and slowly began to realize that he has a LOT of female friends. Of course many of these women were probably there before you came, but now that you are there SO you wonder why there is even a need for all these other miscellaneous women. Here is the situation. One of my girls had been dating this guy for quite some time. When they got together he made mention of the fact that he had a few female friends, but that they just hung out from time to time when they were in town. So my girl was cool with it. Well it ended up being sushi one night with some friend coming in from out of town, then later, going to happy hour with some friend you ran into from high school, then making lasagna for some “friend” that made mention of how good it was the last time he made it, and finally the him calling up one of his “friends” that he sees often in the group setting to hang out one night. Now is this guy really just keeping up with old friends or should my girl be concerned. I mean, why can’t he hang out with his guy friends, why so many females. If he wants to hang out why can’t he call and hang out with his girl? Are all these females really old friends or women that he’s meeting and trying to spend time with on the sly? I personally am not in the right state of mind to be objective about this whole thing so I pose the questions to you. Is my girl getting played or could this dude really just like spending time with this plethora of women friends? I guess I should mention that if the shoe was on the other foot dude would be none too pleased if my girl started taking up with a hoard of guy friends in the same way.

YBR-- Are you a Coward?

Question…Does running from love make you a coward? I mean a coward runs in the face of fear right. Anything that might hurt them or cause them pain they fly in the opposite direction. I bring this up because I notice that many people when faced with love don't often know what to do with it. There are times when a person loves you more than you ever thought you could be loved and that is a really scary thing, especially if you've never experienced that before. But such fear shouldn't cause you to run, not from love. People leave perfectly good relationships with wonderful people simply out of fear. Not realizing that staying, opening yourself up, is far more rewarding. Realistically aren't all great things in life scary. Getting that job you've always wanted, deciding to go back to school, buying a house, all these thing are wonderful steps in life, but they can be quite scary at first. But you do it anyway knowing it will pay off in the end. Love is the same way. Allowing yourself to open up to another person completely and having that person do the same for you is scary. Having a person that makes you so happy that you think its too good to be true can be terrifying, I get that. But you can't spend your life being scared of what can go wrong with love. Sometimes you just have to go for it and try for the best. Interestingly enough just about any relationship can work if you have two people that love each other and are committed to one another. They're not easy, they have ups and downs, but there is nothing more amazing than being in love with somebody (when somebody loves you back, and that's a fact…lol). But you can never experience that if you always run. Now maybe I'm a little harsh to say running from love makes you a coward. But if you think about it…doesn't kinda make you one?

YBR-- Sticks and stones

Question...Why do we say hurtful things to the people we love? Everyone has been there, your significant other says or does something that makes you mad and then.... you have to do something to hurt them back. Maybe you call them a name, curse them out, pick on that one thing their insecure about, or find that one button you know will set them off and push it over and over. But why? I mean we're all guilty of it, but why intentionally say or do things that hurt the person you love. Words are particularly hurtful and can do a lot of damage in a relationship. Your tongue is a powerful weapon, so you have to be responsible in how you use it. Your words and actions have the power to stay with a person long after an argument or heated situation. They can cause permanent and irreversible damage to your relationship. I personally think that when you're mad you do one of two things; you either say things you don't mean at all or you say all the things you really want to say but wouldn't in normal circumstances. I had a situation where a person the person I was dating shared his very negative opinion about "most" single mothers. Of course I took offense. He apologized, explained himself, told me he wasn't talking about me, blah, blah, blah, but nothing he said could take away the hurt he caused in that moment. And until this day I still question whether what he said was just a stupid comment or how he really felt. When you really think about it the second or two it takes you to rethink your words or use better judgment with your actions is priceless when compared with the damage you could do by talking slick. Although it's a trite saying, two wrongs don't make a right. I once heard this poet talking about this exact same subject and one line was "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will F you up forever". Besides why would you want to do or say anything to hurt the person you love anyway?

YBR-- Stay out of the circle

Question…What are the rules of dating in the circle? Here’s the situation. Diane and Rob had been dating for about 9 months and decided to take a break. They weren’t dating other people, they were kinda in the 50% single category (read YBR 34). So a few weeks after the break Diane finds out that Rob went out with Susan. Susan is a member of the overall circle of friends they hang in. She’s at all the summer barbecues, holiday functions, girl’s night out. Diane and Susan have hung out before, so they are associates. Susan knows all about Diane and Rob’s relationship and break. Apparently, one night Rob calls Susan and suggests they just go grab something to eat just to talk and catch up. Susan accepts. Diane finds out about this quasi date through the circle of friends and is of course pissed. So I’m going to leave my opinion out of this one and just pose a few questions. Does Diane have any reason to be upset? If so who should be mad at, Rob, Susan, or both? What if anything should Diane do? Would Diane be wrong for now feeling uncomfortable with Rob and Susan?

YBR-- I wonder if I take you home?

Question... If a girl gives it up early on in a relationship does that make her a roller? So there was a time when getting down too soon made you a freak or a slut, but does that still hold true? I mean today when you have many women completely taking control of their sex life, knowing exactly what they want and how they want it, is it wrong to just get down to business sooner? Many of us remember that song by Lisa Lisa "I wonder if I take you home...would you still be in love?" Well would you? Lets not even get into the "l" word. If a girl gets it in on a first date or even a second date, does it really matter. Would a guy loose some level of respect for her, not take her seriously? Would it still be possible to try and build a functioning relationship afterward? Does it give a negative reflection on her character? And if the old rules do still apply then how soon is too soon. Is their a certain amount of time you should wait before you give up the lovin? a month, 6 weeks, longer? What is proper sexual etiquette?