Friday, January 30, 2009
Last Name Debate
Question... If you happen to get knocked up and you are not with the father anymore, should the baby still get daddy's last name? I had this discussion last night with my friend. I have a boy and his father and I (although we were together when he as born) were not married. it was always my feeling that my baby would have my last name since I wasn't married. I told him that when we did get married I would change the boy's last name along with mine. For some reason it was important for me to share the same name as my child. However, my friend says that a child should always get the father's last name regardless b/c its tradition and b/c its "his child too" and they could lose that piece of their identity. Yes it is a tradition... because traditionally people were married when they brought children into the world so everyone had the man's last name. But given the nontraditional birthings of late is this still the standard. I personally think that if the two people are not married at the time of birth then the child should have the mother's last name unless she wants to give the child the dad's name. Its not a thing of spite or ill will, just logistics. And though it is nothing to brag about, I have a number of women in my extended family that have experienced single-motherhood and they each gave the baby their name with the exception of a few that actually had pending marriages. So I think that's completely normal. But I could be very wrong in my thinking. What do you think? and why?
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16 comments:
i agree with you, if you aren't married, the baby should have your (the mom's) last name. too much confusion can come later in life, if you do get married to someone who isn't the father. you don't want your kids to have to hyphenate!
NO marriage NO name -- shoot he'd be lucky to get the name after we got married anyway.
I think its not only the marraige part but also the relationship between the mother and the father. Some men may be there and really want the child to have their name, and if the mom agree's with that its ok. But ultimately its your child, you give birth and its yours, you have the rights to name it what you want, put whoever's name on the birth certificate...all of that. I feel like if you will be raising the child primarily then it should have your name and we'll see daddy's name on the child support checks
I so agree with you! My last name if there is no marriage between mommy and daddy. IF we decide to get married later, I would change the last name of the child, along with my own...Just my two cents.
Traditionally a lot of things happened, but that doesn't make it a standard for eternity...if that was the case then I probably wouldn't be able to respond to this post now for fear that if I had a husband he'd probably hit me for thinking I had the nerve to speak my mind. If you're the parent in the child's life then you have the right to do just about whatever you want to do including giving him your last name or the father's...heck you should be proud because when he grows up he can say his full name and know that he came from a wonderful single mother.
This is a tough one. Up until I read the this blog I had not considered it from your perspective. In terms of the traditional norms that have been broken over the years, thus creating a new dynamic and approach to this situation. I had always believed that it was important for a child to bear his fathers last name; but now that I really think about it...I have no arguable reason as to why, other that "because thats how it has always been". Being a person, who was solely raised by their mother, I would much rather bear her last name; as im sure my mother would prefer that aswell. My situation was unique because my parents were married at the time so it was a no-brainer. But thinking back even if they werent married and my father actually took his role as a father in my life I would have felt it an honor to be bear his last name. To answer the question at hand, I'd like to say that those men who plan to be an active parent, should be able to give their child their last name, the problem arises because we are unable to predict the future...especially when the marital committment is absent. So here is my final stance...Married couple, the last name shall be the fathers; unmarried the last name shall be the mothers or whoever has full custody at birth. I also think we should stay away from that name-changing business...we as people have had too many instances where our history was suddenly stripped. Just teach your child to embrace it as God's plan! It worked for me :)
A man's perspective " Hmmmm... I see alot of disgruntled comments from moms(?)... j/k. I have a daughter she bears my last name.her mother married and did not hyphenate my daughter's last name. Although me and her mother were never married our relationship over the years never deteriorated to the point that it was even a topic. In my honest opinion ( and Tisha as stated it previously) that should be quite an open and candid conversation between the parents WHILE the relationship between the parents is active and happy (lol). All relationships where a child is involved are not destined for marriage. Wish for a healthy relationship between the separated parents and the child ( or children)."
I agree w/ Tish. I think its a personal decision. If I had a child & were no longer w/ the childs father or was never in a relationship w/ the dad or we didn't have a good relationship or he was a deadbeat my child would get my last name.For me it really depends on my situation w/ the dad & if I thought he would be involved or if there's a pending marriage, etc. My parents weren't married when they had me & my dad died when I was young so I was glad to have his last name b/c that was really the only thing of his I felt I had.My mom remarried & there was talk about adopting me so I could have the same last name as my step dad but I didn't want to & I never felt left out by having a different last name. But again, my dad died, it may have been different if he were just a loser deadbeat. So there are things to consider. You also have to take into consideration if you already have a child w/ someone else or if you have another child down the line w/ someone else who you aren't married to, are u going to give each child their dad's name, etc. Again, its a personal decision that you as a mom would have to live with so its up to u.
For the most recent anonymous I can completely relate you what you're saying. I did have my mom's last name when I was born, but when my father died she changed it to Washington. It actually worked out b/c my step dad's name was also Washington so it seemed that we were all one big family (probably the real reason she changed my name b/c she never really liked my dad). I did appreciate having a piece of him and even carrying on that name since he never got to have any boys.
I can only look at this from a baby-daddy perspective and from a first person stance. I can certainly see the "single womans" perrogative and if the mother and I could come to an agreement on the last as name (as I believe she has final say) I would want my child to have my last name regardless if we planned to marry or not. I carry my father's name and my parents were never married and I carry the name proudly although akward at times. However, if a woman gets knocked up and is not with the father as the mother and primary care giver should do whatever she feels is best for herself and her child. If the father is around and is planning to be active in the childs life he certainly should be able to have a conversation and have some input on the childs last name. I would hope that mom would give his request serious consideration.
DeLano
Another mom's perspective: "My first son has my last name since his dad wasn’t going to be around and wasn’t at the hospital when he was born. Now that I’m pregnant again, my oldest son said he was going to be the only Brewster and felt left out. So you know I wasn’t having that. I opted for this baby to have both last names with Brewster first. But when my husband moved out he said that he don’t want this baby feeling left out when I change my name back to Brewster so we can drop Foster. I really wished I’d never dropped my last name because I never wanted my oldest to feel left out, I knew he would and my mom didn’t do that to me. But to please my husband I dropped it. I regret that because I felt really lost and hurt, like I didn’t know me anymore I am still a Brewster and this baby will be too.
If you are a single mom there is no question that the baby will have a connection with you. After all, you are the caretaker and the provider. Your bond is unquestionably secure. If the child now also has your last name, what connection does the baby now have with the father???? Will there ever be a connection of any sort since there is nothing left??
I agree with R....the question of whether to use the father's last name shouldn't have anything to do with the relationship between the parents. Just because the relationship has ended doesn't mean the sperm separated from the egg....he is STILL THE FATHER! You also never said anything about him planning on not being in the childs life...just that you two were no longer together. Confusing one's identity is not fair just because marriage was not in the picture because the father and child relationship may still flourish.
I can understand why you would want to share the same last name as your child, however have you taken into consideration that maybe the father feels the same way? Although you said you are not with the father,that does not meen that he has now lost all rights to having the child named after him. It seems that in today's society children are all to often left fatherless, so one would think that if a father want's to be in his childs life than maybe mothers should start letting them...this starts with allowing the father to take part in making life long descions on his childs behalf... such as the childs last name. I think that a child will always have special bond with their mother seeing as though it is you that cared him/her in womb. Unfortunalty fathers don't don't have a chance to share in this very special experience....maybe that is why it is so easy for them to walk away from thier children. Nevertheless I believe that the decision on giving the child a last name should be made carefully by both parents. Really quick I just want to share with you my personal experience... I grew up in a single family house hold, raised by my mother. My sister and I both have my fathers last name. I didn't get a chance to know my father until I was about ten, because he was in jail most of my life. Upon his return home I was very fortunate to be able to cultivate a relationship with him. We shared good times and some bad. Unfortunaley do to his lifestyle we are not as close as we once were but there is one thing that continues to bond us together....my last name. Although I am married now I choose to hyphenate me last name because it is that which reminds me of who I am as a Whole. Good luck with your decsion!
This is very interesting discussion. i've never really tied the last name with identity or even the role of the father in the childs life. Growing up before my father passed away I remember him being an active part of my life even though I was a Reeves and not yet a Washington. Just the same me choosing to give my first son my name did not mean I did not expect or want him to take part in the boys life. i've always wanted that and tried my best to facilitate that even after we split up. Again it was simple logistics. I guess I don't see a correlation between the two. Now the most recent anonymous comment did talk a lot about the bond between a mother and her child and how that along with the child having the mother's last name can leave the father out completely and I understand that perspective. Again I've never considered it in that way, but I get that. I guess I agree with the overall consensus that it should be a conversation the parents have before the child is born (assuming of course they are actively engaging in conversation with each other). The last name seems trivial and unrelated to whether the man is going to step up and be a dedicated father and work together with the mother to give the best possible upbringing to the child.
Okay well I have read 95% of the comments made and no one made the point I am about to make. Sometimes decisions are not emotional(which is what alot of you all based your decision on) Sometimes its LEGAL!!! if you give your child the last name of the father HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE RIGHTS TO THE CHILD REGARDLESS OF WHAT AND HOW YOU FEEL! I have plenty of sister (hey Ria) and this is something that my dad referenced on numerous oocasions.
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