Gender Roles?

Question...how big of a factor are traditional gender roles today? What I mean is we all know the traditional roles of a man and a woman. The man is a provider, goes out, makes the money, brings it home to support the family. The woman takes care of the home, the children, cooks, cleans, and supports her husband. However, today there is a lot of role reversal. Today we have house husbands and working women. Of course there is nothing at all wrong with that, but is it possible that even without knowing it we still hold true to those old roles.
The situation that brought me to this questions was a guy who doesn't work, he stays home each day and takes care of his two children. His girlfriend works full time and supports the family. This worked for a while, but the wife eventually started having a thing for a guy at her job and ended up cheating on the boyfriend. It made me wonder if maybe the fact that her man was pretty much a housewife played a part in her cheating. Do women subconsciously want a man that is able to provide for them? Even if we have our own jobs and make our own money and don't necessarily need a man to do those things, don't we at least want someone that is capable of taking care of us if necessary? Or have we evolved past that?
Men do you generally want a woman that is a good homemaker? Even if she does have a great and flourishing career, do you still want her to be able to cook and clean for you. Do you still expect her to put her career aspirations on hold to have kids? Is it still expected that she would give up her career or whatever to follow you wherever life may lead you? If you had a woman that didn't do those things would it bother you. If she preferred to eat out instead of cook, to hire a maid instead of clean, to hire a nanny to stay with the kids so she could go back to work sooner? Would this effect the level of love and commitment you had to the woman?
Overall I wonder if we are hardwired to expect certain things in a mate. And if we find a mate that does not fit into or chooses not to fall into these traditional gender roles will we inevitably stray away from them?

Do you hear me?

Question...have you ever felt like you were talking, but your partner just wasn't hearing ANYTHING? I'm sure we've all been there right. For some reason you can't get your other to understand where you are coming from. You try to talk, you end up yelling, and before you know it you both are just angry...maybe even not speaking. Interestingly enough your partner usually has the exact complaints about you. If both parties are trying so hard to communicate then why is it so hard to hear each other?
Communication is such an important aspect of a relationship, but its also where many relationships fall apart. So what do you do when it seems like you and your other just can't get on the same page? How do you move forward? When do you just call it quits?

What would you do?

Question...what kind of ties is your man allowed to have with his ex? this question comes from the situation of a friend of mine. She's been dating this guy for a few years. I guess it should be noted that when they first got together it was strictly a physical thing. He had a girlfriend and she had other options, they just enjoyed doing their thing. They were both very comfortable with the physical relationship for about a year or so when the guy started catching feelings. So they eventually went from getting it in, to "dating". Although during this "dating" phase he never exactly broke up with his girlfriend. They still lived together, had joint accounts, had things in both of their names etc. Well the guy and his ex supposedly broke up about a year ago. However, a few months ago my friend found out he had paid up his ex's rent for 6 months and she was still driving one of his cars. When my friend asked about the situation the guys simply said, he didn't want to be dirty and just leave his ex out in the cold so he helped her out...and that was the end of it. Well recently the guy's car broke down. Naturally, my friend is thinking, well you can just drive your other car until you get this fixed right?!?! Wrong b/c the ex is still driving the other car, in fact she's had it since they broke up. So there are a few questions here, first what's worse, that he still has all these ties to his ex or that he isn't forth coming with the inforamtion to my friend. I mean he claims he hardly talks to the ex anymore, but I'd imagine there would have to be some kind of communicaiton right? If he was upfront and said "i'm doing xyz for my ex because..." would it be ok? Is there possibly still something going on with him and the ex? Are these issues worth raising in the relationship or should my friend continue to accept whatever reasoning he gives and move on? Is this level if interaction with an ex appropriate or healthy when you are trying to build something with someone new? What do you think?

Who Foots the Bill?

Question...in this modern world with the new modern woman, are men still expected to always pay for dates/activities? I hear both guys and girls talk about this a lot. According to some men, women expect to be treated all the time for dates, we expect to have our drinks purchased at the bar, we expect guys to pay for it all. And I don't really disagree with any of those. For me personally, I've never had a second thought about who was going to pay for a meal. Even when I go out with my guy friends they usually pay for the food or whatever we're doing, I don't even think of going for my wallet. Is that wrong?

Should women pay for dates, a first date, should you alternate? What's proper? I guess I've been lucky in dating guys who automatically take on this role of picking up the bill. Granted in my last relationship I would pick up the check sometimes or pay for our tickets to certain activities, etc but this was sporadic at best and certainly not an expectation of my other. In fact I remember one time this guy I was interested in asked me to lunch, we went to this simple cafeteria style spot. He was in front of me in line and paid for his food and turned and said "I'll go grab us a seat". Now of course it wasn't a problem for me to pay for my own lunch, but I will admit it was a turn off, especially since he asked me to meet him. As a general rule you always have enough money to pay for your portion of a check when going out with someone.

I do have some female friends that insist on paying for themselves when going on dates with guys, I don't really know why but they feel strongly about such things. I also know of guys that refuse to let a woman pick up the check, they feel its the "guys job" to pay for the bill. Is this an old fashioned expectation? Should the cost of dating activities be split 50/50 (or close to it)? Does it really matter?

Who's Side do you Take?

Question…who do you side with your girl or your guy? The world of relationships can become so very complex. I mean it’s a strange thing that happens when you start dating a guy. They begin to get integrated into a circle of friends that have been around for years. You begin to give them considerations that you would only give people with the utmost level of trust and confidence. Hell you begin to love them…really big deal. But what happens when the relationship between your man and one of your besties enters into the gray zone? What is the gray zone? That is when the relationship starts to border on inappropriate. Maybe they start having conversations with each other without the person knowing, maybe they start to hang out, or maybe they even begin to have feelings for one another. What do you do?

Here is the situation (real names changed for privacy). Kevin and Jamie are married and have a kid. Jamie’s best friend Sara is really close to the couple and often comes by to visit for days at a time, staying in the house with the two of them. Sara and Kevin end up becoming close, talking and exchanging IM chats with each other both with and without Jamie’s knowledge. Eventually of course the proverbial shite hits the fan when Sara sends Jamie a note saying “Kevin asked me not to come visit next month because he said he has feelings for me”. When confronted, Kevin admits he has been talking to Sara about their marital problems and they both discovered they had feelings for each other, which is why he told Sara not to come visit…what happens next. Should Jamie try to work on her marriage? Should she try to repair her friendship with Sara? Should she say screw both of those bastards?

Often in situations like these a woman will choose her man over her girlfriend. I can’t tell you how many friendships I’ve seen end over one person getting too close to the others companion. I think this dynamic is different with guys though. Isn’t the term “bros over hoes”. I believe most guys would let go of their shady girlfriend before ending a friendship with one of their boys (this however is just my opinion). It does however beg the question; why not leave both of them alone? Is it that the level of betrayal is more serious for the best friend than for the boyfriend? Are there other factors that come into play, like who came on to who? Or who told the truth about the situation first?

The Marrying Kind?

Question…what do you do if your man won’t marry you? So this morning while reading the all important facebook updates, one of my friends left a message that basically told women over 25, if you’ve been with a guy for more than 5 years and he hasn’t married you yet…he isn’t going to. It brings me to the question how long is too long? Can you really put a time limit on something like marriage? This was even discussed on the radio last week, the dj said that in his opinion the perfect time for a couple to get married is between the 2nd and 4th years of a relationship. The logic being that getting married before 2 years of dating is too soon and after 4 years if he hasn’t asked yet there is a reason and he’s never going to.

Now I do pretty much agree with the statement. If a man has been with you for years and hasn’t married you there is a reason. Granted there are exceptions, two of my aunts actually were with their men for over a decade (one 15 years and the other 11) they had children and everything without being married. But the guys eventually did marry them and they’ve been happily married ever since. So ladies, what do you do? Do you leave a decent relationship because he won’t propose to you? Do you stay with him, even move in and play the wife role without the commitment? Do you give him the ultimatum “either we’re going to get married or I’m leaving? Or do you just walk away period?

And guys, also help me understand? I know some guys that have lived with, had children with, and laid up under a woman for years and have no intention of marrying her. If she’s good enough to wake up to every day, to share your daily life, money, and bodily fluids with, why isn’t she good enough to marry? Is it fear, complacency, greener pasture syndrome? Why invest so much in a woman that you have no intention of marrying? Women why invest so much in a man that has no intention of marrying you?

Is it Possible?

Question...if a man experiments or occasionally interacts with another man, does that make him gay? This post is a result of the overwhelming information I've seen the past couple days about men that have experimented with guys in the past or men that are "gay for pay" (a la the Tyra Banks show). So its got me wondering, if you met a great guy that you really got along with and he one day confided in you that although he is completely straight he has been with men in the past. Or he still finds men attractive. Does this make him gay? Would you continue to date him?

Its interesting because most guys (not all, but most) would probably be excited or not bothered at all if their girls liked to mix it up with other girls, but I don't believe the same is true for women. So if you have a guy that meets all of your criteria, but he has or has had bi sexual tendencies...What do you do?

Even deeper than that, what if you found out your man cheated with another man or let another man give them special kisses if you know what I mean. Would it be the same as if he'd cheated with another woman? Would you be more/less upset? The one lady on the show I was watching said she's completely fine with her boyfriend doing sexy internet activities with other men, as long as he doesn't do anything with a woman. Really?

In the shows and scenario's I've encountered the past few days, they all involved men that say they are completely and totally straight. As in only attracted to women, but they have tried some loving with a guy before. Some of them were into gay porn, but had girlfriends and kids and claimed they only did it for the money. Is it possible to be straight with gay tendencies?

Gettin in the Way

Question...If you see the SO of a friend out with another guy/girl is it your place to say something? So this post is a result of something I heard on a radio show this morning. Lets say you have a friend that you're cool with. You introduce this friend to your man and you all are pretty cool. Well one day she sees you out with another guy having lunch. She comes over and speaks and you think nothing of it. After, your SO tells you that this friend sent him a text message saying "hey I saw your girl out at lunch with some guy, I just thought you should know". Now lets also keep in mind that your man knew all about the lunch, in fact he was supposed to be there, but cancelled at the last minute b/c something came up. Would you have a problem with that? Should the friend have sent a text to the man or maybe asked you about the situation first? Is the friend crazy for even assuming that just because you were out with a member of the opposite sex that something slutacious was going on?

And that leads me to the question, what role do you play when it comes to telling a friend about shady behavior. For example, if you see your best friends man/woman out with someone else do you even mention it? If the interaction looks a little more than friendly should you tell/warn your friend? What if you are friends with both parties, do you even want to get involved in the drama? What implications could that have on the friend ships?

Love and Money...

Question...if your man lost his job, would you borrow from your retirement to help him financially? Allow me to provide some context. I was talking to a friend who's boyfriend just lost his job. He doesn't have much savings and pretty much will be out of money soon. She also doesn't have much money which is why she would have to resort to borrowing from her retirement to help him. When she told me this my first response was "wow, that's generous, but just not something I would do for a boyfriend. A husband maybe, but not a boyfriend". She responded by saying that she knew he would do the same for her if roles were reversed. Well what do you think?

What if I mentioned that the boyfriend was previously making almost 200K in the job he lost, he just didn't save his money. He never invested in a 401K, only an IRA that he can't touch. What if I said the girlfriend only makes about 40K. Or that prior to losing his job he had paid up the rent for his ex girlfriend for 6 months. Or that they have only been officially in a relationship since about January, before that he was still living with his ex? Does this change your original thoughts on the situation or further validate your feelings one way or the other? Don't get me wrong I'm not heartless. If I was in a relationship with someone and they lost their job I would want to help them out, I just have limits to how far I would go. I would let them come over for dinner. I might throw them some gas money. I would volunteer to help them with their resume and job hunt with them. I would do a number of assistive things. If I had a significant amount of disposable income I would offer the give/loan them some money. And even offer some temporary housing until they got a job and could afford their own place again (keyword temporary b/c I'm not into all that shacking up without real commitment, but that's another blog)

Now if they were married my opinion would be completely different b/c I think she would have a greater obligation to help him out, even though it would still suck. I have a relative that practically emptied out her retirement fund when her husband got into some legal trouble. She felt like he was her man and she had to help him. and I agree on many levels. But she surely feels the pain from the sacrifice and will certainly be working for a lot longer than she expected.

Anyway, the question I pose to you is, was i wrong for responding to my friend the way I did. Does anyone think that regardless of the circumstances she should do what she can to help the man she loves? Its not like he hasn't told her he wants to marry her and plans to spend the rest of their lives together...they just aren't married yet. What do you think?

Out of Wedlock?

Question...What level of obligation does a man have to the mother of his child if they are no longer together. Allow me to put a little more context to this question. Lets hypothetically say that boy meets girl, boy and girl get together and have a nice little fling, eventually the romance dies shite happens and boy and girl part ways. About a month or so girl finds out she's totally knocked up. She of course tells boy and they try to find a way to get back on good terms for the sake of the baby. What obligation, if any, does the guy have to be there for the girl during the pregnancy. Are there certain things that should be a given or should he be able to decide if, when, and what he's going to do (of course the fact that he gets a choice in the matter is a luxury within itself, but that's another blog). Should the girl expect that she can depend on things like him driving her to the hospital when its time. Or having him in the room when the baby is born. Coming to lamaze classes with her. Since it is his baby shouldn't he be expected to do those things? Or is it wrong for a woman to expect such things from a man that is simply the "father of her child" and not a boyfriend or husband? What about after the fact, is it outlandish to expect the boy to take off work a few days to be "around" or maybe to stay around the first week or two to help out? I realize this subject is highly subjective, but I'm rather curious as to what you all think the "role of the BD" should be?

Disclaimer to mitigate any and all rumors before they start: This blog is in no way a representation of the poster's life. All characters, details, and situations are a pure result of my overactive mind and quest to be all deep and thought provoking. The terms "boy" and "girl" are not real names, simply nouns used to describe a male and a female (i swear, you can look it up). This blog is not in any way whatsoever a reflection of my life, nor the life of any of my friends, family, associates, monkey minions, evil robots, demon fish, or co workers. I just want your thoughts ;-)