Question...Do guys always have to pay for dates? I've actually had this conversation a few times in the past couple weeks with both men and women. One guy in particular felt very strong about the fact that it drives him crazy that women always expect the guy to pay for everything even when they are just "hanging out" (SN: I’ve also discovered that hanging out means completely different things to men and women, but that's another blog). Anyway, up until now I had never really given it much thought. A man paying for activities wasn't necessarily an expectation for me, but the overwhelming majority of guys I’ve dated/ "hung out" with paid for everything. Since I guess I’ve been spoiled, I always assume the guy is going to pay. I will admit that if I were on a first (or even second) date and a guy didn't/wouldn't pay or wanted to go dutch, it would be a turn off. However, if we were just friends I wouldn't mind picking up the bill from time to time or at least paying for myself. But generally I guess I do expect a guy to pay for whatever.
Many would attribute this whole thing to tradition. Typically when courting a woman a guy would take her out or buy her flowers, things like that. It’s safe to say that dating today is far from traditional. Some men would argue that if women can be "all independent and such" then they can pay for dates too. Now since I love ya'll I’m going to be all the way honest. I'm as independent as they come, but I will give you the side eye if we're out and you start acting crazy when the check comes. I know this sucks for guys b/c potentially that's a lot of money to kick out when you don't even know what's going to happen between you and said woman. But heck that's just the way it is right? If I were a guy I'd be a total jerk and feel like after a certain amount of dates and money spent you would have to give me some or I would stop talking to you...but this is why I'm a woman and also why I don't date much. However, if I’ve been seeing someone for a while I will gladly start offering to pay from time to time, but still I think I typically assume the guy taking me out will pay...Is that wrong? What do you think?
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8 comments:
The reality of the situation is that men should pay if it is understood that he is seeking more than a plutonic friendship. Chivalry unfortunately is dying to to the lack of fathers who are actually in the picture to raise their sons into a "proper man". that however is a much longer story than i have time to address here. so here are a few reasons as a man you must pay.
1. you have expressed to the female in not so uncertain terms that you are interested in a special friendship of relationship of any kind.
2. ladies if you know he is looking at your behind when opening doors and pullilng out chairs
3. if you have exchanged the "what you trying to do" stare at anytime during the evening
4. if you are eating anywhere except the bar
5. whenever the words what are you doing after this come up in any way.....furthermore
ladies if you go out with a man that you know is interested in you in any physical way and he does not offer to pay....he falls into one of the below listed undesirable categories....if so these are signs for you to get out now...
1. he thinks you are super loose
2. he doesnt have respect for women in general
3. he does not care about your opinion of him
4. he does not have a decent career
5. he is a jerk
with all of this said you can agree to go dutch but only if you bring it up ladies and he after a tad bit of reluctancy agrees....stay fly.....
I think I (the man) should pay for dates. ESPECIALLY if I'm interested in you. The first 3-5 dates should be paid for by the man. After the 4-5 date mark I don't think it's crazy for a woman to pay (if she wants to). I also think if a woman is going to pay she shouldn't play "I'll pay until he offers to pay" game. I know me if a woman says "I'll pay" I'll say "No, I got it". Me saying "I got it" isn't when you think to yourself "I tried". If you're going to pay come back at me with "No, I'll pay", "I want to treat you" or something along those lines. I know it makes me feel good and appreciated when a woman takes me out.
If you're on date number 7-10 and he pays EVERY time is it wrong of him to want/expect sex? Let's be real going to Fogo de Chao, Ruth Chris, Mortons, etc in addition to other activities (movies, shows, plays, etc.) is expensive. I not saying you (women) owe the dude but come on now
Belvi, I agree with you. I think men should pay. lls at the exchanging of "what you trying to do" stares! But a lot can be said for chivalry, I like a guy to pay, open my door, pull out my chair. It makes me feel appreciated.
My 2 cents, i feel like you took all the words right out of my mouth. Your perspective is completely on par with mine. When you reach a certain level its completely within reason for a woman to offer to pay sometimes. And i mean genuinely offer to pay, not just say it hoping the guy will insist. I also agree that after a while its not crazy for a guy to want something in return, but also at that point in a situation both party's wants/expectations of each other should be clear and the physical aspect of the relationship shouldn't be an issue.
i think a man should pay if he's courting a woman. it's cute for a woman to pay every now and then, but really, why? is this traditional of me or is my grandmother just in my ear?! i like traditional roles, with a little bit of deviation every now and then.
@ Mama, I agree with you. But what if you guys aren't dating per se. What if you are just friends? Should he always have to pay? Do the same rules as dating apply? I kind of think so, especially if he is a friend that gets the hot pocket...
If I ask you out I will pay..plain and simple. It has nothing to do with chivarly or manners or being a gentleman. If ask you out I bear the financial responsibilty for the evening (tickets, dining, etc). If you ask me out on a date, expect to pay. It's only fair, you may not have to pay, but expect to pay. I don't want to take advantage of anyone and I don't want to be taken advantage of anyone. A man that takes you out several times and has made it very clear that he is interested in persuing a relationship with will with out a doubt have some expectation of you after he has spent a certain amount of time energy and effort on you that has not been reciprocated.
If money is an issue for you there are plenty of ways to date/get to know someone without spending a lot of money. Go to a museum or the park....go exercise or do some community service together. oh btw, I am going to look at your behind regardless of the situation. :)
@ Delano, I kind of agree with you on the whole "whoever asked pays" thing. I guess it depends on the situation (which is way too much to go into right now), but for the most part I agree. I'm also a big fan of the free/inexpensive dates. Its a great chance to get to know a person without even having to think about the money issue.
lls@ looking at the person's behind regardless. But you and pretty much every other guy I imagine feels the same.
ok, i like that. whoever asks, pays. that is definitely fair.
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