Must Be Boning!

Question…do you let a “friend” borrow your car if you guys aren’t getting it in? Allow me to provide context. It is my personal belief that your car is a pretty valuable item to a person, you don’t just go handing it out all willy nilly. Close friends of the same sex is one thing, but friends of the opposite sex driving your car is something different. If you aren’t boning a guy/girl would you let them drive your car?

Maybe that’s too broad of a question, lets break it down a bit. Would you let them drive your car to the store if you didn’t feel like going? Would you let them drop you off at work and take your car for the day? Would you let them use your car for the weekend? Now I have both driven someone else’s and let someone drive my car for a bit, but in these cases I was boning the guy. If one of my plain old guy friends came asking me to use my car I would say no…in fact I don’t think any of them would even ask me. Am I wrong in my thinking? What do you think? What are your criteria for trusting a guy/girl with your vehicle?

But you say he's just a friend...

Question...Is it okay to have your child around "friends" of the opposite sex? Now in this case I mean a true friend, someone whose company you enjoy. Not a friend with benefits or a friend that's really a significant other, but you don't have "titles". I mean a 100% platonic almost a sibling kind of friend. Now that that's clear let me give a bit more context to the question. John and Sue have a son. The son lives with Sue and John gets him from time to time. On one particular occasion when John was bringing the son home, Sue had an old friend over that had just stopped by when he was in the neighborhood. John was cordial during the exchange, but later had a few choice words for Sue regarding having his son around "random negros". Sue tried to explain it wasn't like that he was just a friend and nothing more so it shouldn't be a big deal. But it was for John.

Now, if you have a child and are no longer involved with the other person it’s expected that you both will have all types of friends. Most females I know have huge problems with a guy having their child around "random women" and clearly guys have the same feeling about "random men". But I think this is more in the context of romantic friends. We all have friends of the opposite sex so is it ever ok to have your kid(s) around them? Or should you never have your child around anyone of the opposite sex? Is your co parent justified in getting upset if he/she finds out a friend has been with you when you had the kid(s)? Was Sue out of line or is John just being petty?

Dating a Deadbeat Parent

Question…if you are dating a guy that you can tell isn’t a very good father to his kids, what do you do? A girl I knew went through this recently. She had been dating this guy that she really liked, but she knew he wasn’t really spending any time with his kid b/c he was spending it all with her. She also knew that he paid some child support, but he really didn’t do much outside of that. She wondered if it were her place to say something to him. As a single mother, I know that if I dated a guy that in my opinion didn’t do enough for his kids I would have to leave him alone. I just wouldn’t be able to date a man knowing he was giving less than 100% to his kids and that there was some woman out there having to deal with the same shenanigans I’ve had to put up with. But even deeper than that, I think the role they play in the lives of their child (ren) is a serious indication of their character. If they can justify not being around for their offspring, then what else can they justify? What kind of man could they be for you? This goes the same for guys who meet women that either don’t spend time with or poorly treat their children. Is this the equivalent of a big flashing red “leave them alone” sign? Is it your place to confront them about what they are doing/not doing? Is it grounds for relationship dismissal?

Oh, by the way...

Question...when meeting someone new, at what point should you mention that you have kids? I actually pondered this recently as I met a guy that at the time could have been a potential. The first time we talked I didn't mention kids at all, I don't believe, b/c the conversation just never went there. However, after the first conversation, when I thought I might let him take me out I brought it up just so it would be out in the open. However, I have a friend who talked to a guy for a few weeks before he made any mention of the fact he had multiple children. Its interesting b/c as a single parent I don't want to tattoo "hey I have kids" on my forehead. When I meet someone I want to at least do the first assessment of whether I even like them, but I also want to be sure I put it out there early just in case it’s a deal breaker for someone. I think that info should come out no later than the first date or by the 2nd or 3rd conversation...What do you think?

Would You Be Offended?

Question…is it wrong to ask a guy to leave after sex? So here is the thing, let’s say you meet a guy that you are primarily interested in physically. They may be nice and all, but you really just want one thing. You go out with the guy, have a decent time, invite him to come up at the end of the date, get it in, but then you are ready for him to leave. Or I’ll take it even further and say you invite someone over with the sole intention of lovin. After all is said and done is it rude or cold to want that person to just leave? And if so how do you go about it? Do you just say “hey that was fun, call you tomorrow”; do you ask them to leave; do you make up a story of having something else to do? And finally by doing this do you make yourself look like a woman of ill repute? I’m thinking as a woman I might be offended if a guy I was interested in wanted me to leave his place as soon as the lovin was over, unless we were on the same page about the situation. What do you think?

Is It Worth the Argument?

Question...In a co parenting relationship at what point should you question how much time the other parent is spending with the child? Allow me to explain this a bit further. Let’s say you are in a friendly co parenting relationship. Parent A is the primary caretaker of the child and parent B gets the child on weekends. However, parent B has a part time job and other obligations on the weekends that keep them from being home with the child. So when the child goes with parent B on their weekend the child is being watched by parent B’s significant other probably 65% to 75% of the time. Should parent A have a problem with this? Is it parent A’s place to bring it up? What could be a possible resolution to this problem? Is it more of a problem that parent B’s SO is watching the child? What do you think?

Single Lady...Not Any More!

Question…Exactly how much of your single woman behavior must change when you get into a relationship? So I was talking to a very close friend of mine that is battling this issue in her relationship. She and the guy have known each other for years and have officially been together for about a year now. However, in the past 4 or 5 months he’s begun to tighten up the reigns on her quite significantly. For example, he does not like her hanging out with her single friends (which happens to be the majority of her friends). When/if she does go out he expects her to be in the house by 11pm. She once attended a dinner party at a close friend’s house and didn’t get back home until around 1am. When they finally spoke he accused her of acting like she was still single. He also no longer wants her taking trips (something she’s been doing for years) with her single friends b/c he considers it disrespectful to him…since they are in a relationship and all. In addition to all this there are the standard “rules” of letting him know where she’s going, what she’s doing, making sure she answers the phone when he calls (or quickly returns the call) blah, blah, blah.
So I’m all for relationships and I totally understand that there are certain courtesies that you give your SO when in a relationship, like telling them when you are going out and maybe who you’re hanging out with. But are curfews reasonable? Are you supposed to distance yourself from your single friends once you have a relationship? After all, those friends were the same ones that were around before the relationship? When in a relationship is it disrespectful to go on a fun weekend trip with the girls? Is it fair for the guy to expect her to change so much simply because she’s “not single anymore”? And finally what should she do if she doesn’t like the new rules?

Baby Daddy Drama

Question…Why do guys think they can always “come back” to the mother of their child? So there is this young lady I know, her child is about 7 mos old and she and the father are no longer together. In fact the father of the child is in a relationship and lives with his girlfriend who believes they are getting married this year. The situation between my friend and her bd is cool, she is not interested in a romantic relationship with him, but wants some level of friendship established for the child. Well the dad has been making passes at my friend whenever he comes over to get the baby. Sometimes his girlfriend will be in the car waiting for him to get the baby, and he will be telling my friend how much he misses her or trying to hug her and kiss her. The other day he told her he didn’t know if he would ever stop being attracted to her and tried to make another pass. He’s pretty much made it clear that he’s interested in at least a physical relationship with her, even though he lives with his girlfriend. Again my friend is no longer interested in him and shuts down his advances when he makes them, but she also wonders how long it will take for him to stop with the games. Is this guy just a dog who wants to have his cake and eat it too? Is it possible that he’s just so caught up in having a baby that he is having misguided feelings for the mother of his child? Or is there the expectation that just because they conceived a child together, he can just get it whenever he wants?

A Tricky Thing Called Trust

Question…how do you repair trust? Trust is a tricky thing. It is essential to any relationship, however it’s so fragile. Trust can easily be broken, scared, tainted, or shattered. Once this has happened what do you do? How do you fix it? Once something has been done to affect the trust in a relationship can it ever be fixed completely? For example if someone breaks into your house and steals your TV. You can get an alarm, replace the TV, but the feeling of violation lingers for quite sometime and you never have the same level of comfort you had before. Is the same thing true with trust in a relationship? Can people really forgive and forget or do we just forgive and try not to think about? I know that I am extremely forgiving. I can forgive almost anything, but I never forget anything. Even if I have forgiven someone depending on their action I never have the same level of comfort or trust for them I once did. Is it possible to go back to the way things used to be? And if so how?

More on Babies

Question...In a marriage, should the decision to keep or get rid of the baby be a joint or decision? Let’s say we're talking about a married couple and the woman gets pregnant. She doesn't want to have kids at the moment, but the man does. Is it right/ok for the woman to get rid of the baby against her husband's wishes? What if after baby number 2 or 3 the woman decides on her own to get her tubes tied without telling her husband? I know it’s a woman's body, but how much of a say does a man get in what happens to his baby (or future babies)?