What does the "Man Law" Say?

Question…for guys, is there some kind of “man law” for dating a friend’s ex? I know with girls there is an understanding that you typically steer clear of any guy that your friend has had a relationship with. It just goes without saying that those guys are off limits, especially if they had a significant relationship with them. But is the same thing true for guys. If your friend dated a girl for a while and it didn’t work out, would she be fair game? Is it a situational thing? What if your friend had a kid with this girl, would that make her off limits? I ask b/c I’ve seen a few situations where guys have pursued or at least entertained dating the ex girlfriend of one of their close friends. It makes me wonder if the dynamics of male relationships are just exponentially different. Now understand I’m not talking about a jump off or a one night stand. I’m referring to a substantial relationship that for whatever reason didn’t work out. Does that woman become fair game?

5 months and counting...

Question...if you had been dating a guy for 5 months and there was nothing going on in the loving department what would you think? This situation is a bit interesting b/c sex or the lack thereof can cause a number of problems in a relationship. So let’s say you've been dating a guy for 5 months and he does not want to have sex with you. He isn't a virgin and he's not waiting for marriage, he says he just wants to take his time? Would that be flattering? Would that be difficult to deal with? Personally speaking going 5 months without sex is easy when you aren't in a relationship, but when you're consistently dating someone that is pretty hard. I could respect a decision like that from a guy I was dealing with, but I also would not be able to be alone with them b/c I would probably attack them at some point. In the situation I speak of, the woman has actually made advances towards the guy, but he has turned her down.

Now for the sake of argument, isn't this rather refreshing? In an era of dating where sex is so commonplace, many folks these days get it in on the first date. So finding a guy that is willing to put in some serious time just being in the relationship and getting to know you is wonderful. It allows you to really see a person for who they are without being clouded by the sex. But if you are a person that likes to have sex when you're in a relationship something like that would be pretty hard to deal with. Especially when you offer up the hot pocket and the guy graciously declines. I mean where do you go from there? What is a reasonable waiting period for relations? At what point do you start to question the situation? What would you do about it?

Dollars and Dating

Question...Do guys always have to pay for dates? I've actually had this conversation a few times in the past couple weeks with both men and women. One guy in particular felt very strong about the fact that it drives him crazy that women always expect the guy to pay for everything even when they are just "hanging out" (SN: I’ve also discovered that hanging out means completely different things to men and women, but that's another blog). Anyway, up until now I had never really given it much thought. A man paying for activities wasn't necessarily an expectation for me, but the overwhelming majority of guys I’ve dated/ "hung out" with paid for everything. Since I guess I’ve been spoiled, I always assume the guy is going to pay. I will admit that if I were on a first (or even second) date and a guy didn't/wouldn't pay or wanted to go dutch, it would be a turn off. However, if we were just friends I wouldn't mind picking up the bill from time to time or at least paying for myself. But generally I guess I do expect a guy to pay for whatever.

Many would attribute this whole thing to tradition. Typically when courting a woman a guy would take her out or buy her flowers, things like that. It’s safe to say that dating today is far from traditional. Some men would argue that if women can be "all independent and such" then they can pay for dates too. Now since I love ya'll I’m going to be all the way honest. I'm as independent as they come, but I will give you the side eye if we're out and you start acting crazy when the check comes. I know this sucks for guys b/c potentially that's a lot of money to kick out when you don't even know what's going to happen between you and said woman. But heck that's just the way it is right? If I were a guy I'd be a total jerk and feel like after a certain amount of dates and money spent you would have to give me some or I would stop talking to you...but this is why I'm a woman and also why I don't date much. However, if I’ve been seeing someone for a while I will gladly start offering to pay from time to time, but still I think I typically assume the guy taking me out will pay...Is that wrong? What do you think?

Rules of Quitting...

Question…if you are early on in dating a person and for whatever reason you decide to quit them, do you need to officially let them know they’ve been quit or is it ok to just disappear? Now understand with this I’m not talking about a serious relationship b/c clearly that deserves an actual ending. But let’s say you’ve only gone out on two or three dates and you realize they just aren’t it. Can you just slowly stop returning their calls or stop accepting dates and try to end them into the friend zone? Is that rude? What if you’ve given them some lovin and then you realize it’s just not going to work…does the introduction of lovin warrant a face to face quitting? What’s appropriate?

Must Be Boning!

Question…do you let a “friend” borrow your car if you guys aren’t getting it in? Allow me to provide context. It is my personal belief that your car is a pretty valuable item to a person, you don’t just go handing it out all willy nilly. Close friends of the same sex is one thing, but friends of the opposite sex driving your car is something different. If you aren’t boning a guy/girl would you let them drive your car?

Maybe that’s too broad of a question, lets break it down a bit. Would you let them drive your car to the store if you didn’t feel like going? Would you let them drop you off at work and take your car for the day? Would you let them use your car for the weekend? Now I have both driven someone else’s and let someone drive my car for a bit, but in these cases I was boning the guy. If one of my plain old guy friends came asking me to use my car I would say no…in fact I don’t think any of them would even ask me. Am I wrong in my thinking? What do you think? What are your criteria for trusting a guy/girl with your vehicle?

But you say he's just a friend...

Question...Is it okay to have your child around "friends" of the opposite sex? Now in this case I mean a true friend, someone whose company you enjoy. Not a friend with benefits or a friend that's really a significant other, but you don't have "titles". I mean a 100% platonic almost a sibling kind of friend. Now that that's clear let me give a bit more context to the question. John and Sue have a son. The son lives with Sue and John gets him from time to time. On one particular occasion when John was bringing the son home, Sue had an old friend over that had just stopped by when he was in the neighborhood. John was cordial during the exchange, but later had a few choice words for Sue regarding having his son around "random negros". Sue tried to explain it wasn't like that he was just a friend and nothing more so it shouldn't be a big deal. But it was for John.

Now, if you have a child and are no longer involved with the other person it’s expected that you both will have all types of friends. Most females I know have huge problems with a guy having their child around "random women" and clearly guys have the same feeling about "random men". But I think this is more in the context of romantic friends. We all have friends of the opposite sex so is it ever ok to have your kid(s) around them? Or should you never have your child around anyone of the opposite sex? Is your co parent justified in getting upset if he/she finds out a friend has been with you when you had the kid(s)? Was Sue out of line or is John just being petty?

Dating a Deadbeat Parent

Question…if you are dating a guy that you can tell isn’t a very good father to his kids, what do you do? A girl I knew went through this recently. She had been dating this guy that she really liked, but she knew he wasn’t really spending any time with his kid b/c he was spending it all with her. She also knew that he paid some child support, but he really didn’t do much outside of that. She wondered if it were her place to say something to him. As a single mother, I know that if I dated a guy that in my opinion didn’t do enough for his kids I would have to leave him alone. I just wouldn’t be able to date a man knowing he was giving less than 100% to his kids and that there was some woman out there having to deal with the same shenanigans I’ve had to put up with. But even deeper than that, I think the role they play in the lives of their child (ren) is a serious indication of their character. If they can justify not being around for their offspring, then what else can they justify? What kind of man could they be for you? This goes the same for guys who meet women that either don’t spend time with or poorly treat their children. Is this the equivalent of a big flashing red “leave them alone” sign? Is it your place to confront them about what they are doing/not doing? Is it grounds for relationship dismissal?

Would You Be Offended?

Question…is it wrong to ask a guy to leave after sex? So here is the thing, let’s say you meet a guy that you are primarily interested in physically. They may be nice and all, but you really just want one thing. You go out with the guy, have a decent time, invite him to come up at the end of the date, get it in, but then you are ready for him to leave. Or I’ll take it even further and say you invite someone over with the sole intention of lovin. After all is said and done is it rude or cold to want that person to just leave? And if so how do you go about it? Do you just say “hey that was fun, call you tomorrow”; do you ask them to leave; do you make up a story of having something else to do? And finally by doing this do you make yourself look like a woman of ill repute? I’m thinking as a woman I might be offended if a guy I was interested in wanted me to leave his place as soon as the lovin was over, unless we were on the same page about the situation. What do you think?

Single Lady...Not Any More!

Question…Exactly how much of your single woman behavior must change when you get into a relationship? So I was talking to a very close friend of mine that is battling this issue in her relationship. She and the guy have known each other for years and have officially been together for about a year now. However, in the past 4 or 5 months he’s begun to tighten up the reigns on her quite significantly. For example, he does not like her hanging out with her single friends (which happens to be the majority of her friends). When/if she does go out he expects her to be in the house by 11pm. She once attended a dinner party at a close friend’s house and didn’t get back home until around 1am. When they finally spoke he accused her of acting like she was still single. He also no longer wants her taking trips (something she’s been doing for years) with her single friends b/c he considers it disrespectful to him…since they are in a relationship and all. In addition to all this there are the standard “rules” of letting him know where she’s going, what she’s doing, making sure she answers the phone when he calls (or quickly returns the call) blah, blah, blah.
So I’m all for relationships and I totally understand that there are certain courtesies that you give your SO when in a relationship, like telling them when you are going out and maybe who you’re hanging out with. But are curfews reasonable? Are you supposed to distance yourself from your single friends once you have a relationship? After all, those friends were the same ones that were around before the relationship? When in a relationship is it disrespectful to go on a fun weekend trip with the girls? Is it fair for the guy to expect her to change so much simply because she’s “not single anymore”? And finally what should she do if she doesn’t like the new rules?