Married, Separated, Divorced???

Question, is it ever ok to date a married man? I know most women probably said "hell to the naw" just now. But there are various states of married. There is the plain old married man, the separated man, and the man going through a divorce. Are any of these phases a green zone for dating? The first category is probably an easy no. But what about the second two? A number of things brought on this blog. I have personal experiences of married (though claiming to be separated) men trying to get time on my calendar. Now I don't judge anyone, but my personal feeling on the issue is that married is married. Even in a separation the two could still work things out. Heck even soon after the divorce they could work things out and I would hate to be the one factor that stops the couple from their potential reconciliation. Besides, if a person is still married on paper it kind of makes you feel like the dirty little mistress if you entertain a romance with them. And we won’t even get into all the potential emotional baggage they are probably dragging along with them. It’s just not my speed. But many women would argue that separated is as good as single.

I was speaking with an associate the other day; she's currently in a very serious relationship with a married, but separated man. Allegedly, he is reluctant to officially leave his wife b/c of the children in the situation. So he has his own apartment, while the wife and children live in his former home. He has a key to the house and is able to come and go there as he pleases. However, he assures this associate that he is only interested in the kids, not at all in their mother. She says she is quite happy, trusts him completely, and believes they will one day get married...OK, stranger things have happened right?

I also have a former coworker that believes any man is fair game. Her logic is "if he's coming after you then clearly something is wrong with the relationship, so go for it". I'm sure this is the less popular view, but in the age of high profile mistresses gaining fame for their indiscretions its clear many women are perfectly content being the other woman. Are these women wrong, selfish, stupid, misguided? Or are they just opportunistic?

So, I sincerely pose the question... Is it ever ok to date, pursue, or entertain a married man?

Dollars and Dating

Question...Do guys always have to pay for dates? I've actually had this conversation a few times in the past couple weeks with both men and women. One guy in particular felt very strong about the fact that it drives him crazy that women always expect the guy to pay for everything even when they are just "hanging out" (SN: I’ve also discovered that hanging out means completely different things to men and women, but that's another blog). Anyway, up until now I had never really given it much thought. A man paying for activities wasn't necessarily an expectation for me, but the overwhelming majority of guys I’ve dated/ "hung out" with paid for everything. Since I guess I’ve been spoiled, I always assume the guy is going to pay. I will admit that if I were on a first (or even second) date and a guy didn't/wouldn't pay or wanted to go dutch, it would be a turn off. However, if we were just friends I wouldn't mind picking up the bill from time to time or at least paying for myself. But generally I guess I do expect a guy to pay for whatever.

Many would attribute this whole thing to tradition. Typically when courting a woman a guy would take her out or buy her flowers, things like that. It’s safe to say that dating today is far from traditional. Some men would argue that if women can be "all independent and such" then they can pay for dates too. Now since I love ya'll I’m going to be all the way honest. I'm as independent as they come, but I will give you the side eye if we're out and you start acting crazy when the check comes. I know this sucks for guys b/c potentially that's a lot of money to kick out when you don't even know what's going to happen between you and said woman. But heck that's just the way it is right? If I were a guy I'd be a total jerk and feel like after a certain amount of dates and money spent you would have to give me some or I would stop talking to you...but this is why I'm a woman and also why I don't date much. However, if I’ve been seeing someone for a while I will gladly start offering to pay from time to time, but still I think I typically assume the guy taking me out will pay...Is that wrong? What do you think?

Dating a Deadbeat Parent

Question…if you are dating a guy that you can tell isn’t a very good father to his kids, what do you do? A girl I knew went through this recently. She had been dating this guy that she really liked, but she knew he wasn’t really spending any time with his kid b/c he was spending it all with her. She also knew that he paid some child support, but he really didn’t do much outside of that. She wondered if it were her place to say something to him. As a single mother, I know that if I dated a guy that in my opinion didn’t do enough for his kids I would have to leave him alone. I just wouldn’t be able to date a man knowing he was giving less than 100% to his kids and that there was some woman out there having to deal with the same shenanigans I’ve had to put up with. But even deeper than that, I think the role they play in the lives of their child (ren) is a serious indication of their character. If they can justify not being around for their offspring, then what else can they justify? What kind of man could they be for you? This goes the same for guys who meet women that either don’t spend time with or poorly treat their children. Is this the equivalent of a big flashing red “leave them alone” sign? Is it your place to confront them about what they are doing/not doing? Is it grounds for relationship dismissal?

Single Lady...Not Any More!

Question…Exactly how much of your single woman behavior must change when you get into a relationship? So I was talking to a very close friend of mine that is battling this issue in her relationship. She and the guy have known each other for years and have officially been together for about a year now. However, in the past 4 or 5 months he’s begun to tighten up the reigns on her quite significantly. For example, he does not like her hanging out with her single friends (which happens to be the majority of her friends). When/if she does go out he expects her to be in the house by 11pm. She once attended a dinner party at a close friend’s house and didn’t get back home until around 1am. When they finally spoke he accused her of acting like she was still single. He also no longer wants her taking trips (something she’s been doing for years) with her single friends b/c he considers it disrespectful to him…since they are in a relationship and all. In addition to all this there are the standard “rules” of letting him know where she’s going, what she’s doing, making sure she answers the phone when he calls (or quickly returns the call) blah, blah, blah.
So I’m all for relationships and I totally understand that there are certain courtesies that you give your SO when in a relationship, like telling them when you are going out and maybe who you’re hanging out with. But are curfews reasonable? Are you supposed to distance yourself from your single friends once you have a relationship? After all, those friends were the same ones that were around before the relationship? When in a relationship is it disrespectful to go on a fun weekend trip with the girls? Is it fair for the guy to expect her to change so much simply because she’s “not single anymore”? And finally what should she do if she doesn’t like the new rules?

Baby Daddy Drama

Question…Why do guys think they can always “come back” to the mother of their child? So there is this young lady I know, her child is about 7 mos old and she and the father are no longer together. In fact the father of the child is in a relationship and lives with his girlfriend who believes they are getting married this year. The situation between my friend and her bd is cool, she is not interested in a romantic relationship with him, but wants some level of friendship established for the child. Well the dad has been making passes at my friend whenever he comes over to get the baby. Sometimes his girlfriend will be in the car waiting for him to get the baby, and he will be telling my friend how much he misses her or trying to hug her and kiss her. The other day he told her he didn’t know if he would ever stop being attracted to her and tried to make another pass. He’s pretty much made it clear that he’s interested in at least a physical relationship with her, even though he lives with his girlfriend. Again my friend is no longer interested in him and shuts down his advances when he makes them, but she also wonders how long it will take for him to stop with the games. Is this guy just a dog who wants to have his cake and eat it too? Is it possible that he’s just so caught up in having a baby that he is having misguided feelings for the mother of his child? Or is there the expectation that just because they conceived a child together, he can just get it whenever he wants?

A Tricky Thing Called Trust

Question…how do you repair trust? Trust is a tricky thing. It is essential to any relationship, however it’s so fragile. Trust can easily be broken, scared, tainted, or shattered. Once this has happened what do you do? How do you fix it? Once something has been done to affect the trust in a relationship can it ever be fixed completely? For example if someone breaks into your house and steals your TV. You can get an alarm, replace the TV, but the feeling of violation lingers for quite sometime and you never have the same level of comfort you had before. Is the same thing true with trust in a relationship? Can people really forgive and forget or do we just forgive and try not to think about? I know that I am extremely forgiving. I can forgive almost anything, but I never forget anything. Even if I have forgiven someone depending on their action I never have the same level of comfort or trust for them I once did. Is it possible to go back to the way things used to be? And if so how?

Married, but Maybe...

Question…is it ok for married people to make new friends of the opposite sex? This question comes from the past weekend. I met this guy that I thought was attractive. We chatted and danced for a bit then I saw he had a ring. So I said “so you’re married?” he says yes and asked me the same. After that I was prepared to say goodbye and walk away when he asked if we could have lunch sometime. So this got me to thinking all kinds of things. When it comes to marriage, where is the line? Is it ok for a married man or woman to accumulate new friends? If so what’s the procedure. Is it cool if the other spouse knows about it? Are you bound to only the friends you had before the relationship? Are you only allowed to make new friends of the same sex? Or only new couple friends? Is it possible for a married person and unmarried person of the opposite sex to be platonic friends? Do you think he would have gone home and said “oh yeah honey, btw I met this really nice girl today, we’re going to go grab lunch next week”. Or would he have kept it from her? The line just seemed so innocent coming out of his mouth like it’s not the first time he’s met someone in such a way. It wasn’t sneaky or adulterous but would it end up being sneaky and adulterous? Or could something seemingly innocent like lunch open the door for something inappropriate to happen and therefore such things should be avoided?

Just Fine on the Side...

Question…ladies in our singleness have some of us become desperate? This reflection comes as a result of a conversation I just had with my friend. She was dating a guy who displayed a great deal of interest in her, however he also displayed interest in other women. When she confronted him with the issue and stopped dealing with him he could not understand why. He told her that he wanted to date her and he didn’t want her to see anyone else. But he wanted to be able to freely date whomever he wanted… Her response was naturally “where they do that?” He just seemed completely baffled by the fact that she wasn’t kosher with such and arrangement.

This got me to thinking. This guy is thirty something, professional guy, so I’m sure he’s had a few relationships. I find it interesting that he was so shocked by my friend’s inability to accept such a ridiculous situation. Have the women he’s been dating gone along with such things? Are women these days ok with just being a side chick or one of many? You hear people say all the time “its so hard to find a man”, sadly this is not true. Similar to the famous words of Gucci “men are like buses, miss one next 15 one’s comin”. However men only adhere to the standards we set. Its common knowledge that anyone will only go as far as you let them. So it makes me wonder if many women have lowered their standards so much so that the average guy thinks he can pretty much get away with whatever he wants in a relationship.

And the women that do go along with such shenanigans…what ever happens to them? Can a man respect and truly love a woman that doesn’t demand respect for herself? Is it possible that the voluntary doormat will have a fairy tale ending? To my knowledge actual doormats end up getting so used and worn that they are eventually thrown out, is the same thing true for figurative doormats? Sadly I know too many women who have stoically put up with the lying and cheating of a man in the name of love (and insanity). In the end the man has either left them for someone else…or just continued to pull the same games over and over. So I ask is single and desperate the new thing for ’09?