Dating a Deadbeat Parent

Question…if you are dating a guy that you can tell isn’t a very good father to his kids, what do you do? A girl I knew went through this recently. She had been dating this guy that she really liked, but she knew he wasn’t really spending any time with his kid b/c he was spending it all with her. She also knew that he paid some child support, but he really didn’t do much outside of that. She wondered if it were her place to say something to him. As a single mother, I know that if I dated a guy that in my opinion didn’t do enough for his kids I would have to leave him alone. I just wouldn’t be able to date a man knowing he was giving less than 100% to his kids and that there was some woman out there having to deal with the same shenanigans I’ve had to put up with. But even deeper than that, I think the role they play in the lives of their child (ren) is a serious indication of their character. If they can justify not being around for their offspring, then what else can they justify? What kind of man could they be for you? This goes the same for guys who meet women that either don’t spend time with or poorly treat their children. Is this the equivalent of a big flashing red “leave them alone” sign? Is it your place to confront them about what they are doing/not doing? Is it grounds for relationship dismissal?

Baby Daddy Drama

Question…Why do guys think they can always “come back” to the mother of their child? So there is this young lady I know, her child is about 7 mos old and she and the father are no longer together. In fact the father of the child is in a relationship and lives with his girlfriend who believes they are getting married this year. The situation between my friend and her bd is cool, she is not interested in a romantic relationship with him, but wants some level of friendship established for the child. Well the dad has been making passes at my friend whenever he comes over to get the baby. Sometimes his girlfriend will be in the car waiting for him to get the baby, and he will be telling my friend how much he misses her or trying to hug her and kiss her. The other day he told her he didn’t know if he would ever stop being attracted to her and tried to make another pass. He’s pretty much made it clear that he’s interested in at least a physical relationship with her, even though he lives with his girlfriend. Again my friend is no longer interested in him and shuts down his advances when he makes them, but she also wonders how long it will take for him to stop with the games. Is this guy just a dog who wants to have his cake and eat it too? Is it possible that he’s just so caught up in having a baby that he is having misguided feelings for the mother of his child? Or is there the expectation that just because they conceived a child together, he can just get it whenever he wants?

Last Name Debate

Question... If you happen to get knocked up and you are not with the father anymore, should the baby still get daddy's last name? I had this discussion last night with my friend. I have a boy and his father and I (although we were together when he as born) were not married. it was always my feeling that my baby would have my last name since I wasn't married. I told him that when we did get married I would change the boy's last name along with mine. For some reason it was important for me to share the same name as my child. However, my friend says that a child should always get the father's last name regardless b/c its tradition and b/c its "his child too" and they could lose that piece of their identity. Yes it is a tradition... because traditionally people were married when they brought children into the world so everyone had the man's last name. But given the nontraditional birthings of late is this still the standard. I personally think that if the two people are not married at the time of birth then the child should have the mother's last name unless she wants to give the child the dad's name. Its not a thing of spite or ill will, just logistics. And though it is nothing to brag about, I have a number of women in my extended family that have experienced single-motherhood and they each gave the baby their name with the exception of a few that actually had pending marriages. So I think that's completely normal. But I could be very wrong in my thinking. What do you think? and why?