No babies over here

Question...If you find out the person you've been dating, the person that you really like is infertile is that a deal breaker? It’s interesting to be at that point in life where issues of fertility actually come in to play. Back in my early 20s it was assumed that whenever I was ready the babies would come. But at this point in life (although I’m as fertile as they come it seems) I've seen people close to me deal with fertility issues...both male and female. So it got me to wondering, in this time where dating is a lot more serious is fertility (or lack there of) a deal breaker. Let’s say you've been dating someone for a month or two and you know you really like them and feel like a future could be possible. They then tell you they can't have kids...Understand we are not talking about them not wanting to have them b/c that's an easier answer, but for this situation they are saying they are incapable of having a child themselves. Is it fair/warranted/understandable to end the courtship? If it’s a good guy/girl should you at continue the relationship and deal with the kid issue later down the line?

Is there an obligation?

Question...as a woman, are you obligated to physically satisfy your man? This post is actually related to a very specific conversation I had with my friend. She is currently unable to engage in intercourse. It's been about a month and a half since she and her boyfriend got it in. Recently they got into a bit of a spat b/c he says that even though she can't give him sex, there is nothing wrong with her mouth (his exact words). Implying that since she can't give up the hot pocket, she should be giving up the next best thing...special kisses. She was pretty offended by this b/c that was the last thing on her mind. However, the whole thing made me think. If for whatever reason you couldn't have sex with your mate, does it become your job to find alternate ways to satisfy them...Maybe job is too strong of a word. Should you try to find other ways to satisfy your man? Does it depend on the level of the relationship (i.e. married, serious relationship, dating). Or is it offensive for a guy to even think such a thing?

Married, Separated, Divorced???

Question, is it ever ok to date a married man? I know most women probably said "hell to the naw" just now. But there are various states of married. There is the plain old married man, the separated man, and the man going through a divorce. Are any of these phases a green zone for dating? The first category is probably an easy no. But what about the second two? A number of things brought on this blog. I have personal experiences of married (though claiming to be separated) men trying to get time on my calendar. Now I don't judge anyone, but my personal feeling on the issue is that married is married. Even in a separation the two could still work things out. Heck even soon after the divorce they could work things out and I would hate to be the one factor that stops the couple from their potential reconciliation. Besides, if a person is still married on paper it kind of makes you feel like the dirty little mistress if you entertain a romance with them. And we won’t even get into all the potential emotional baggage they are probably dragging along with them. It’s just not my speed. But many women would argue that separated is as good as single.

I was speaking with an associate the other day; she's currently in a very serious relationship with a married, but separated man. Allegedly, he is reluctant to officially leave his wife b/c of the children in the situation. So he has his own apartment, while the wife and children live in his former home. He has a key to the house and is able to come and go there as he pleases. However, he assures this associate that he is only interested in the kids, not at all in their mother. She says she is quite happy, trusts him completely, and believes they will one day get married...OK, stranger things have happened right?

I also have a former coworker that believes any man is fair game. Her logic is "if he's coming after you then clearly something is wrong with the relationship, so go for it". I'm sure this is the less popular view, but in the age of high profile mistresses gaining fame for their indiscretions its clear many women are perfectly content being the other woman. Are these women wrong, selfish, stupid, misguided? Or are they just opportunistic?

So, I sincerely pose the question... Is it ever ok to date, pursue, or entertain a married man?

5 months and counting...

Question...if you had been dating a guy for 5 months and there was nothing going on in the loving department what would you think? This situation is a bit interesting b/c sex or the lack thereof can cause a number of problems in a relationship. So let’s say you've been dating a guy for 5 months and he does not want to have sex with you. He isn't a virgin and he's not waiting for marriage, he says he just wants to take his time? Would that be flattering? Would that be difficult to deal with? Personally speaking going 5 months without sex is easy when you aren't in a relationship, but when you're consistently dating someone that is pretty hard. I could respect a decision like that from a guy I was dealing with, but I also would not be able to be alone with them b/c I would probably attack them at some point. In the situation I speak of, the woman has actually made advances towards the guy, but he has turned her down.

Now for the sake of argument, isn't this rather refreshing? In an era of dating where sex is so commonplace, many folks these days get it in on the first date. So finding a guy that is willing to put in some serious time just being in the relationship and getting to know you is wonderful. It allows you to really see a person for who they are without being clouded by the sex. But if you are a person that likes to have sex when you're in a relationship something like that would be pretty hard to deal with. Especially when you offer up the hot pocket and the guy graciously declines. I mean where do you go from there? What is a reasonable waiting period for relations? At what point do you start to question the situation? What would you do about it?

Not dating, but "hanging out"

Question…What’s your definition of “hanging out”? I pose this question as it’s become glaringly clear to me that my definition of hanging out and guy’s definition of hanging out are two completely different things. To be more specific, my idea of hanging out means, not necessarily dating, but doing things with another person and getting to know them. I also think of “hanging out” in more of a platonic sense. However, I’m starting to feel like most guys consider hanging out as having sex with no strings attached and maybe going out from time to time. Now there is nothing wrong with the latter option, but I feel like “hanging out” isn’t the best term for that situation. If I knew up front that a guy was moreso just interested in having sex with me, I would at least know what I was getting into. Let’s be honest if I’m trying to get to know a person there is a certain level of effort I’ll put into doing that. However, if you just want to have sex and then go out from time to time, I would approach that situation differently. I probably wouldn’t put forth as much effort, I’d just call when I’m horny or when I don’t have any other plans. I feel like being forthcoming with your intentions is so much easier to deal with. There is no confusion that way. So now if a guy tells me he just wants to “hang out” I automatically assume he wants to have sex and treat the situation accordingly. Is that wrong? Could it simply be the guys I’ve met are just d-bags? What’s your definition of “hang out?

Dollars and Dating

Question...Do guys always have to pay for dates? I've actually had this conversation a few times in the past couple weeks with both men and women. One guy in particular felt very strong about the fact that it drives him crazy that women always expect the guy to pay for everything even when they are just "hanging out" (SN: I’ve also discovered that hanging out means completely different things to men and women, but that's another blog). Anyway, up until now I had never really given it much thought. A man paying for activities wasn't necessarily an expectation for me, but the overwhelming majority of guys I’ve dated/ "hung out" with paid for everything. Since I guess I’ve been spoiled, I always assume the guy is going to pay. I will admit that if I were on a first (or even second) date and a guy didn't/wouldn't pay or wanted to go dutch, it would be a turn off. However, if we were just friends I wouldn't mind picking up the bill from time to time or at least paying for myself. But generally I guess I do expect a guy to pay for whatever.

Many would attribute this whole thing to tradition. Typically when courting a woman a guy would take her out or buy her flowers, things like that. It’s safe to say that dating today is far from traditional. Some men would argue that if women can be "all independent and such" then they can pay for dates too. Now since I love ya'll I’m going to be all the way honest. I'm as independent as they come, but I will give you the side eye if we're out and you start acting crazy when the check comes. I know this sucks for guys b/c potentially that's a lot of money to kick out when you don't even know what's going to happen between you and said woman. But heck that's just the way it is right? If I were a guy I'd be a total jerk and feel like after a certain amount of dates and money spent you would have to give me some or I would stop talking to you...but this is why I'm a woman and also why I don't date much. However, if I’ve been seeing someone for a while I will gladly start offering to pay from time to time, but still I think I typically assume the guy taking me out will pay...Is that wrong? What do you think?

Sweetheart or stalker?

Question…is it flattering or scary if a potential researches you before the first date? Let’s say you meet a guy, have a bit of conversation, then exchange numbers. You chat with the fellow a few times and make plans for a date. By the time you go on the date you realize the person has done some extensive research on you. He’s googled you, checked out all your info on FB or myspace, or whatever form of social media you use. So on the date he begins asking you questions about things you know you didn’t tell him about. When you ask him how he knows all this stuff he tells you he looked you up to 1)get to know you better and 2) have more topics for conversation. Would you consider this flattering or a bit stalkerish?

Rules of Quitting...

Question…if you are early on in dating a person and for whatever reason you decide to quit them, do you need to officially let them know they’ve been quit or is it ok to just disappear? Now understand with this I’m not talking about a serious relationship b/c clearly that deserves an actual ending. But let’s say you’ve only gone out on two or three dates and you realize they just aren’t it. Can you just slowly stop returning their calls or stop accepting dates and try to end them into the friend zone? Is that rude? What if you’ve given them some lovin and then you realize it’s just not going to work…does the introduction of lovin warrant a face to face quitting? What’s appropriate?

Must Be Boning!

Question…do you let a “friend” borrow your car if you guys aren’t getting it in? Allow me to provide context. It is my personal belief that your car is a pretty valuable item to a person, you don’t just go handing it out all willy nilly. Close friends of the same sex is one thing, but friends of the opposite sex driving your car is something different. If you aren’t boning a guy/girl would you let them drive your car?

Maybe that’s too broad of a question, lets break it down a bit. Would you let them drive your car to the store if you didn’t feel like going? Would you let them drop you off at work and take your car for the day? Would you let them use your car for the weekend? Now I have both driven someone else’s and let someone drive my car for a bit, but in these cases I was boning the guy. If one of my plain old guy friends came asking me to use my car I would say no…in fact I don’t think any of them would even ask me. Am I wrong in my thinking? What do you think? What are your criteria for trusting a guy/girl with your vehicle?

But you say he's just a friend...

Question...Is it okay to have your child around "friends" of the opposite sex? Now in this case I mean a true friend, someone whose company you enjoy. Not a friend with benefits or a friend that's really a significant other, but you don't have "titles". I mean a 100% platonic almost a sibling kind of friend. Now that that's clear let me give a bit more context to the question. John and Sue have a son. The son lives with Sue and John gets him from time to time. On one particular occasion when John was bringing the son home, Sue had an old friend over that had just stopped by when he was in the neighborhood. John was cordial during the exchange, but later had a few choice words for Sue regarding having his son around "random negros". Sue tried to explain it wasn't like that he was just a friend and nothing more so it shouldn't be a big deal. But it was for John.

Now, if you have a child and are no longer involved with the other person it’s expected that you both will have all types of friends. Most females I know have huge problems with a guy having their child around "random women" and clearly guys have the same feeling about "random men". But I think this is more in the context of romantic friends. We all have friends of the opposite sex so is it ever ok to have your kid(s) around them? Or should you never have your child around anyone of the opposite sex? Is your co parent justified in getting upset if he/she finds out a friend has been with you when you had the kid(s)? Was Sue out of line or is John just being petty?