Sexy Friends...The new double standard

Question… Why are men thrown off by women that just want to be sexy friends and nothing more? This question comes from one of my loyal readers and she brings up an interesting point. For a long time men have been ok with just being sexy friends with women (for clarification, a sexy friend is a person that you have great ‘no strings attached’ sex with #thatisall). In these sexy friend scenarios if the guy wanted to talk, or go out, or do other dating like things (in addition to the sex) they could call on their sexy friend and she’d usually oblige. Typically in these situations if the woman started to “catch feelings” the guy would quickly remind her that they are just sexy friends. Well it seems that these days more women are opting for the no strings options with men, but some men aren’t as good as handling being treated this way by women. Now from my very unofficial process of consensus building (i.e. talking to a few of my friends) for a woman there are a couple of rules to sexy friends and they are at follows 1) we are not real friends, we are simply two people that like having sex with each other. 2) talking (unless its related to the details of when/where/how the sex will talk place) isn’t really necessary. 3) both parties should wake up in their own beds…there is no need for any dating like behavior b/c that just makes things too sticky. 4) when the sexy friend situation has run its course let’s just move on, no need to discuss anything. However, when such rules are implemented by the women some men can be a bit taken aback by it. It can sometimes come as a shock that the woman has no interest in participating in any of that extra stuff, she just wants sex. So…Why is it okay for a man to get what he needs out of a sexy friendship, but it seems to be assumed that a woman will be open to more if the guy decides he wants it?

Can't let the lovin go...

Question… Have you ever mistaken a man with a really good penis for a really good man? This is an interesting phenomenon b/c there is a lot to be said about good loving. A number of situations bring me to writing about this particular topic. There have been plenty of women who have stayed with a guy a far too long simply b/c said man could put it down in the bedroom. I kinda get that, I think I tend to be more forgiving if my SO is putting it down right. Consistent exceptional loving tends to decrease ones “pettiness quotient" quite significantly. But is there a limit? Is there any penis good enough to make you put up with ridiculous shenanigans? I imagine there comes a point where no matter how good you’re getting done its not enough to get over being done wrong, right? Do guys go through the same thing? Do they stay with super crazy/unstable women just because she has really yummy and fun hot pocket?

Is he a cheat?

Question…is it true that a guy climaxes faster when he hasn’t had any in a while? I ask this question b/c a friend of mind had the following situation. Her and her guy hadn’t had sex in months (about 5) for a number of reasons. When they finally did have relations again she said it was great and long lasting. He tried out new tricks and everything. She felt that this was a sign that he had been with someone else during their hiatus. Now, I know plenty of guys claim that when they haven’t had any in a while the first time they get some they can release pretty quickly, but is this really true? Also does showing off new tricks indicate cheating? Just b/c they haven't had sex in months and when they finally did he was good with stamina doesn't mean he's a cheat right? Unfortunately, I can’t give this particular friend advice b/c I already think her man is cheating and probably has been for a while (but not for the reasons mentioned above). So since I can’t be objective I’ve decided to open it up for discussion. Should she be worried he’s been getting his loving elsewhere? Is it normal for a guy to climax quickly after they’ve been inactive for a while?

You have one...down there?

Question…how would you feel if your other had a piercing down there? I got this from something I heard on the radio the other day. This girl was wondering why a guy she had been dating for a few weeks just stopped calling her out of the blue. They had been seeing each other and things were going really well. So they got to the point where she was ready to give him the hot pocket. As they are in foreplay mode he begins to go down on her, stops, then gets up and leaves. After this he won’t return her calls or anything, no communication at all. She called the station to try and figure out what happened and it turns out the girl had like three hoops piercing her hot pocket and the guy freaked out and left. He said that any woman that has hot pocket jewelry is probably loose and devoid of morals and he no longer wanted to date her (even though before this incident he thought she was perfect). So I ask you, Is hot pocket jewelry a deal breaker? What if you are dating a guy and when you go to shake hands with his little friend there’s some precious metal down there? Now I don’t know any guys with pole piercings, but I know some women who have hot pocket piercings and they say it makes the loving extra fantastic #imjustsaying. I have to say though if a person does have something wouldn't it be proper ettiquette to least give a warning. Its kind of awkward to be surprised by foreign objects in the nether regions especially in a passionate moment. Would that freak you out? Would that be enough to end the courtship? Does having genital adornments automatically make you a whore/manwhore, devoid of morality?

From lovin to loving?

Question… Is it possible to go from being just “buddies” to being a couple? Every once in a while one might find themselves in a mutually beneficial, no strings attached sexual relationship. This can be a very convenient situation if both parties are in the same place about it. But what happens when one or both parties think there could be something more? Is it possible to go from “knowing” each other strictly in the biblical sense to actually trying to get to know each other in every other sense? Would it be more difficult? Easier? My initial thoughts on this are that things could get a bit messy. And if for some reason things didn’t work out with the dating, not only would you lose someone you like, you’d also be giving up some good mutually beneficial loving. On the other hand if things did work out you’d have the best of both worlds. I gave this some thought and the interesting thing about sex is that two people can have great sex with each other, without actually knowing each other that well. And the interesting thing about that is sexual chemistry can sometimes mislead you into believing there could be some other kind of chemistry. With that being said, should you even entertain the whole sexing to dating transition or should you embrace the hopeless romantic philosophy and simply follow your heart?

What does the "Man Law" Say?

Question…for guys, is there some kind of “man law” for dating a friend’s ex? I know with girls there is an understanding that you typically steer clear of any guy that your friend has had a relationship with. It just goes without saying that those guys are off limits, especially if they had a significant relationship with them. But is the same thing true for guys. If your friend dated a girl for a while and it didn’t work out, would she be fair game? Is it a situational thing? What if your friend had a kid with this girl, would that make her off limits? I ask b/c I’ve seen a few situations where guys have pursued or at least entertained dating the ex girlfriend of one of their close friends. It makes me wonder if the dynamics of male relationships are just exponentially different. Now understand I’m not talking about a jump off or a one night stand. I’m referring to a substantial relationship that for whatever reason didn’t work out. Does that woman become fair game?

No babies over here

Question...If you find out the person you've been dating, the person that you really like is infertile is that a deal breaker? It’s interesting to be at that point in life where issues of fertility actually come in to play. Back in my early 20s it was assumed that whenever I was ready the babies would come. But at this point in life (although I’m as fertile as they come it seems) I've seen people close to me deal with fertility issues...both male and female. So it got me to wondering, in this time where dating is a lot more serious is fertility (or lack there of) a deal breaker. Let’s say you've been dating someone for a month or two and you know you really like them and feel like a future could be possible. They then tell you they can't have kids...Understand we are not talking about them not wanting to have them b/c that's an easier answer, but for this situation they are saying they are incapable of having a child themselves. Is it fair/warranted/understandable to end the courtship? If it’s a good guy/girl should you at continue the relationship and deal with the kid issue later down the line?

Is there an obligation?

Question...as a woman, are you obligated to physically satisfy your man? This post is actually related to a very specific conversation I had with my friend. She is currently unable to engage in intercourse. It's been about a month and a half since she and her boyfriend got it in. Recently they got into a bit of a spat b/c he says that even though she can't give him sex, there is nothing wrong with her mouth (his exact words). Implying that since she can't give up the hot pocket, she should be giving up the next best thing...special kisses. She was pretty offended by this b/c that was the last thing on her mind. However, the whole thing made me think. If for whatever reason you couldn't have sex with your mate, does it become your job to find alternate ways to satisfy them...Maybe job is too strong of a word. Should you try to find other ways to satisfy your man? Does it depend on the level of the relationship (i.e. married, serious relationship, dating). Or is it offensive for a guy to even think such a thing?

Married, Separated, Divorced???

Question, is it ever ok to date a married man? I know most women probably said "hell to the naw" just now. But there are various states of married. There is the plain old married man, the separated man, and the man going through a divorce. Are any of these phases a green zone for dating? The first category is probably an easy no. But what about the second two? A number of things brought on this blog. I have personal experiences of married (though claiming to be separated) men trying to get time on my calendar. Now I don't judge anyone, but my personal feeling on the issue is that married is married. Even in a separation the two could still work things out. Heck even soon after the divorce they could work things out and I would hate to be the one factor that stops the couple from their potential reconciliation. Besides, if a person is still married on paper it kind of makes you feel like the dirty little mistress if you entertain a romance with them. And we won’t even get into all the potential emotional baggage they are probably dragging along with them. It’s just not my speed. But many women would argue that separated is as good as single.

I was speaking with an associate the other day; she's currently in a very serious relationship with a married, but separated man. Allegedly, he is reluctant to officially leave his wife b/c of the children in the situation. So he has his own apartment, while the wife and children live in his former home. He has a key to the house and is able to come and go there as he pleases. However, he assures this associate that he is only interested in the kids, not at all in their mother. She says she is quite happy, trusts him completely, and believes they will one day get married...OK, stranger things have happened right?

I also have a former coworker that believes any man is fair game. Her logic is "if he's coming after you then clearly something is wrong with the relationship, so go for it". I'm sure this is the less popular view, but in the age of high profile mistresses gaining fame for their indiscretions its clear many women are perfectly content being the other woman. Are these women wrong, selfish, stupid, misguided? Or are they just opportunistic?

So, I sincerely pose the question... Is it ever ok to date, pursue, or entertain a married man?

5 months and counting...

Question...if you had been dating a guy for 5 months and there was nothing going on in the loving department what would you think? This situation is a bit interesting b/c sex or the lack thereof can cause a number of problems in a relationship. So let’s say you've been dating a guy for 5 months and he does not want to have sex with you. He isn't a virgin and he's not waiting for marriage, he says he just wants to take his time? Would that be flattering? Would that be difficult to deal with? Personally speaking going 5 months without sex is easy when you aren't in a relationship, but when you're consistently dating someone that is pretty hard. I could respect a decision like that from a guy I was dealing with, but I also would not be able to be alone with them b/c I would probably attack them at some point. In the situation I speak of, the woman has actually made advances towards the guy, but he has turned her down.

Now for the sake of argument, isn't this rather refreshing? In an era of dating where sex is so commonplace, many folks these days get it in on the first date. So finding a guy that is willing to put in some serious time just being in the relationship and getting to know you is wonderful. It allows you to really see a person for who they are without being clouded by the sex. But if you are a person that likes to have sex when you're in a relationship something like that would be pretty hard to deal with. Especially when you offer up the hot pocket and the guy graciously declines. I mean where do you go from there? What is a reasonable waiting period for relations? At what point do you start to question the situation? What would you do about it?