A Tricky Thing Called Trust

Question…how do you repair trust? Trust is a tricky thing. It is essential to any relationship, however it’s so fragile. Trust can easily be broken, scared, tainted, or shattered. Once this has happened what do you do? How do you fix it? Once something has been done to affect the trust in a relationship can it ever be fixed completely? For example if someone breaks into your house and steals your TV. You can get an alarm, replace the TV, but the feeling of violation lingers for quite sometime and you never have the same level of comfort you had before. Is the same thing true with trust in a relationship? Can people really forgive and forget or do we just forgive and try not to think about? I know that I am extremely forgiving. I can forgive almost anything, but I never forget anything. Even if I have forgiven someone depending on their action I never have the same level of comfort or trust for them I once did. Is it possible to go back to the way things used to be? And if so how?

More on Babies

Question...In a marriage, should the decision to keep or get rid of the baby be a joint or decision? Let’s say we're talking about a married couple and the woman gets pregnant. She doesn't want to have kids at the moment, but the man does. Is it right/ok for the woman to get rid of the baby against her husband's wishes? What if after baby number 2 or 3 the woman decides on her own to get her tubes tied without telling her husband? I know it’s a woman's body, but how much of a say does a man get in what happens to his baby (or future babies)?

The Baby Trap

Question...(well its really not a question because I already know the answer) is it ever okay to purposely "surprise" your man with a baby. This conversation is sparked by two things. The first is an episode of the Hills where Heidi wants a kid and Spencer doesn't. So she says "i was thinking I could just stop taking my bc and just get pregnant and surprise him...then he would realize how much he really does want kids". Now this sounds like a disaster and the two of them are married. The other thing that sparked this is a situation where a girl I know purposely got pregnant by her guy in hopes of taking their relationship to the next level...sadly for her it turns out to have had the opposite effect because the guy doesn't want a kid at ALL, they are no closer than they were before, and the whole situation is breeding resentment on both sides.

So I guess my ultimate question is…do women still think you can keep a man with a baby? We aren’t talking about the babies that are results of “oops” moments or contraception malfunctions. I’m talking about women (or men for that matter) who purposely deceive their partner into getting knocked up in hopes of having a happy ending (the figurative happy ending, not the literal one). And why in the world would you think that? Babies are huge strains on marriages, so imagine the impact it can have on average uncommitted persons. Not only that, do you really want a relationship that is thought about, brought about, or kept about simply because of a baby? Shouldn’t the person want to have a happy ending with you because of just you, not because you are having their (or they are having your) baby?

Married, but Maybe...

Question…is it ok for married people to make new friends of the opposite sex? This question comes from the past weekend. I met this guy that I thought was attractive. We chatted and danced for a bit then I saw he had a ring. So I said “so you’re married?” he says yes and asked me the same. After that I was prepared to say goodbye and walk away when he asked if we could have lunch sometime. So this got me to thinking all kinds of things. When it comes to marriage, where is the line? Is it ok for a married man or woman to accumulate new friends? If so what’s the procedure. Is it cool if the other spouse knows about it? Are you bound to only the friends you had before the relationship? Are you only allowed to make new friends of the same sex? Or only new couple friends? Is it possible for a married person and unmarried person of the opposite sex to be platonic friends? Do you think he would have gone home and said “oh yeah honey, btw I met this really nice girl today, we’re going to go grab lunch next week”. Or would he have kept it from her? The line just seemed so innocent coming out of his mouth like it’s not the first time he’s met someone in such a way. It wasn’t sneaky or adulterous but would it end up being sneaky and adulterous? Or could something seemingly innocent like lunch open the door for something inappropriate to happen and therefore such things should be avoided?

Just Fine on the Side...

Question…ladies in our singleness have some of us become desperate? This reflection comes as a result of a conversation I just had with my friend. She was dating a guy who displayed a great deal of interest in her, however he also displayed interest in other women. When she confronted him with the issue and stopped dealing with him he could not understand why. He told her that he wanted to date her and he didn’t want her to see anyone else. But he wanted to be able to freely date whomever he wanted… Her response was naturally “where they do that?” He just seemed completely baffled by the fact that she wasn’t kosher with such and arrangement.

This got me to thinking. This guy is thirty something, professional guy, so I’m sure he’s had a few relationships. I find it interesting that he was so shocked by my friend’s inability to accept such a ridiculous situation. Have the women he’s been dating gone along with such things? Are women these days ok with just being a side chick or one of many? You hear people say all the time “its so hard to find a man”, sadly this is not true. Similar to the famous words of Gucci “men are like buses, miss one next 15 one’s comin”. However men only adhere to the standards we set. Its common knowledge that anyone will only go as far as you let them. So it makes me wonder if many women have lowered their standards so much so that the average guy thinks he can pretty much get away with whatever he wants in a relationship.

And the women that do go along with such shenanigans…what ever happens to them? Can a man respect and truly love a woman that doesn’t demand respect for herself? Is it possible that the voluntary doormat will have a fairy tale ending? To my knowledge actual doormats end up getting so used and worn that they are eventually thrown out, is the same thing true for figurative doormats? Sadly I know too many women who have stoically put up with the lying and cheating of a man in the name of love (and insanity). In the end the man has either left them for someone else…or just continued to pull the same games over and over. So I ask is single and desperate the new thing for ’09?

Love at a risk?

Question...If you were told that if you got pregnant there as an elevated risk that you would die, but your SO really wanted another child what would you do? Hypothetically lets you had a child already, but it was a complicated pregnancy and delivery. After this your doctor told you that if you were to have to get pregnant again it would likely be a difficult pregnancy and you were at a high risk for hemreging during child birth and dying. However, your partners really wanted another child and you really wanted to give him one. Would you tell him no because of the health risks or would you take the risk because you knew it meant a lot to him? Would you feel some kind of way of the fact that he would want you to have a child given the risks to your health?

Concern or control?

Question... In a relationship at what point does a person's constant "concern" about your whereabouts turn into an unhealthy control? It is understood that when you get into a relationship there are certain courtesies you extend to your new partner. You let them know where you are going, you call on regular basis, things like that. But is there a line? I have an associate that has been with her guy for a while, he gets upset if she doesn't call as soon as she gets in the house or if he sends a text and she doesn't respond right away. If she goes out without him a few too many times he will get upset and tell her she's "acting like she's single". He likes to know what she's doing all the time and be involved in all her decision making. Now the two don't live together at the moment but they plan on eventually getting married. She is already beginning to feel smothered by the tight leash he keeps her on. I personally believe the grip will only get tighter as they continue their relationship. But what does she do. Is this just her man showing loving concern for her or is he a bit too controlling. Should she be endeared or concerned?

Its all good until someone ends up pregnant.

This blog isn't about any one specific situation, but rather a phenomenon that occurs in some men when they find out their woman is pregnant. Now I will start by saying this isn't a blog bashing men its not even meant to be a mean blog. And not all men will fall into the category of man I'm now discussing. But for the few that do...here we go. I just don't understand this particular thing. We all know the birds and the bees. We know that sex leads to babies. Yeah there is birth control, condoms, and all kinds of other stuff that is "supposed" to keep babies from coming, but may or may not work the way its supposed to. Bottom line if you have sex a baby could result. We also know that it requires two people to make this happen... a man and a woman.

Over the years, talking to friends and associates I've heard all kinds of stories about the man's reaction to the news. Everything from "how did that happen" or "well is it mine" or "what do you mean your pregnant" or "why would you want to do this" or "I thought you said you didn't want any kids". I could go on for days. The thing that gets me is, why is it some guys act as though they've been lead astray, hoodwinked, bamboozled when their girl ends up pregnant. Quite often when the act is happening the man has no concern about birth control they don't use anything don't ask about anything, they just want to get it in. I have one friend who had been with her man for about 3 years,he knew she wasn't taking birth control and neither of them put forth any effort in using contraception. So when she inevitably got pregnant she told her man and his response was to get upset and say "well what do you have to say about this" as if she's done something wrong.

I realize finding out you are having a child is a life changing experience, but why is the first inclination to act shocked and confused? Or to to imply that the woman must have gotten pregnant by someone else? Now most guys, even the ones that act stupid up front, may very well go on to be great fathers once they get over their ignorance, but I'm still trying to understand the dumbstruck first response that oh so many men give.

Gender Roles?

Question...how big of a factor are traditional gender roles today? What I mean is we all know the traditional roles of a man and a woman. The man is a provider, goes out, makes the money, brings it home to support the family. The woman takes care of the home, the children, cooks, cleans, and supports her husband. However, today there is a lot of role reversal. Today we have house husbands and working women. Of course there is nothing at all wrong with that, but is it possible that even without knowing it we still hold true to those old roles.
The situation that brought me to this questions was a guy who doesn't work, he stays home each day and takes care of his two children. His girlfriend works full time and supports the family. This worked for a while, but the wife eventually started having a thing for a guy at her job and ended up cheating on the boyfriend. It made me wonder if maybe the fact that her man was pretty much a housewife played a part in her cheating. Do women subconsciously want a man that is able to provide for them? Even if we have our own jobs and make our own money and don't necessarily need a man to do those things, don't we at least want someone that is capable of taking care of us if necessary? Or have we evolved past that?
Men do you generally want a woman that is a good homemaker? Even if she does have a great and flourishing career, do you still want her to be able to cook and clean for you. Do you still expect her to put her career aspirations on hold to have kids? Is it still expected that she would give up her career or whatever to follow you wherever life may lead you? If you had a woman that didn't do those things would it bother you. If she preferred to eat out instead of cook, to hire a maid instead of clean, to hire a nanny to stay with the kids so she could go back to work sooner? Would this effect the level of love and commitment you had to the woman?
Overall I wonder if we are hardwired to expect certain things in a mate. And if we find a mate that does not fit into or chooses not to fall into these traditional gender roles will we inevitably stray away from them?

Do you hear me?

Question...have you ever felt like you were talking, but your partner just wasn't hearing ANYTHING? I'm sure we've all been there right. For some reason you can't get your other to understand where you are coming from. You try to talk, you end up yelling, and before you know it you both are just angry...maybe even not speaking. Interestingly enough your partner usually has the exact complaints about you. If both parties are trying so hard to communicate then why is it so hard to hear each other?
Communication is such an important aspect of a relationship, but its also where many relationships fall apart. So what do you do when it seems like you and your other just can't get on the same page? How do you move forward? When do you just call it quits?