Love at a risk?

Question...If you were told that if you got pregnant there as an elevated risk that you would die, but your SO really wanted another child what would you do? Hypothetically lets you had a child already, but it was a complicated pregnancy and delivery. After this your doctor told you that if you were to have to get pregnant again it would likely be a difficult pregnancy and you were at a high risk for hemreging during child birth and dying. However, your partners really wanted another child and you really wanted to give him one. Would you tell him no because of the health risks or would you take the risk because you knew it meant a lot to him? Would you feel some kind of way of the fact that he would want you to have a child given the risks to your health?

Concern or control?

Question... In a relationship at what point does a person's constant "concern" about your whereabouts turn into an unhealthy control? It is understood that when you get into a relationship there are certain courtesies you extend to your new partner. You let them know where you are going, you call on regular basis, things like that. But is there a line? I have an associate that has been with her guy for a while, he gets upset if she doesn't call as soon as she gets in the house or if he sends a text and she doesn't respond right away. If she goes out without him a few too many times he will get upset and tell her she's "acting like she's single". He likes to know what she's doing all the time and be involved in all her decision making. Now the two don't live together at the moment but they plan on eventually getting married. She is already beginning to feel smothered by the tight leash he keeps her on. I personally believe the grip will only get tighter as they continue their relationship. But what does she do. Is this just her man showing loving concern for her or is he a bit too controlling. Should she be endeared or concerned?

Its all good until someone ends up pregnant.

This blog isn't about any one specific situation, but rather a phenomenon that occurs in some men when they find out their woman is pregnant. Now I will start by saying this isn't a blog bashing men its not even meant to be a mean blog. And not all men will fall into the category of man I'm now discussing. But for the few that do...here we go. I just don't understand this particular thing. We all know the birds and the bees. We know that sex leads to babies. Yeah there is birth control, condoms, and all kinds of other stuff that is "supposed" to keep babies from coming, but may or may not work the way its supposed to. Bottom line if you have sex a baby could result. We also know that it requires two people to make this happen... a man and a woman.

Over the years, talking to friends and associates I've heard all kinds of stories about the man's reaction to the news. Everything from "how did that happen" or "well is it mine" or "what do you mean your pregnant" or "why would you want to do this" or "I thought you said you didn't want any kids". I could go on for days. The thing that gets me is, why is it some guys act as though they've been lead astray, hoodwinked, bamboozled when their girl ends up pregnant. Quite often when the act is happening the man has no concern about birth control they don't use anything don't ask about anything, they just want to get it in. I have one friend who had been with her man for about 3 years,he knew she wasn't taking birth control and neither of them put forth any effort in using contraception. So when she inevitably got pregnant she told her man and his response was to get upset and say "well what do you have to say about this" as if she's done something wrong.

I realize finding out you are having a child is a life changing experience, but why is the first inclination to act shocked and confused? Or to to imply that the woman must have gotten pregnant by someone else? Now most guys, even the ones that act stupid up front, may very well go on to be great fathers once they get over their ignorance, but I'm still trying to understand the dumbstruck first response that oh so many men give.

Gender Roles?

Question...how big of a factor are traditional gender roles today? What I mean is we all know the traditional roles of a man and a woman. The man is a provider, goes out, makes the money, brings it home to support the family. The woman takes care of the home, the children, cooks, cleans, and supports her husband. However, today there is a lot of role reversal. Today we have house husbands and working women. Of course there is nothing at all wrong with that, but is it possible that even without knowing it we still hold true to those old roles.
The situation that brought me to this questions was a guy who doesn't work, he stays home each day and takes care of his two children. His girlfriend works full time and supports the family. This worked for a while, but the wife eventually started having a thing for a guy at her job and ended up cheating on the boyfriend. It made me wonder if maybe the fact that her man was pretty much a housewife played a part in her cheating. Do women subconsciously want a man that is able to provide for them? Even if we have our own jobs and make our own money and don't necessarily need a man to do those things, don't we at least want someone that is capable of taking care of us if necessary? Or have we evolved past that?
Men do you generally want a woman that is a good homemaker? Even if she does have a great and flourishing career, do you still want her to be able to cook and clean for you. Do you still expect her to put her career aspirations on hold to have kids? Is it still expected that she would give up her career or whatever to follow you wherever life may lead you? If you had a woman that didn't do those things would it bother you. If she preferred to eat out instead of cook, to hire a maid instead of clean, to hire a nanny to stay with the kids so she could go back to work sooner? Would this effect the level of love and commitment you had to the woman?
Overall I wonder if we are hardwired to expect certain things in a mate. And if we find a mate that does not fit into or chooses not to fall into these traditional gender roles will we inevitably stray away from them?

Do you hear me?

Question...have you ever felt like you were talking, but your partner just wasn't hearing ANYTHING? I'm sure we've all been there right. For some reason you can't get your other to understand where you are coming from. You try to talk, you end up yelling, and before you know it you both are just angry...maybe even not speaking. Interestingly enough your partner usually has the exact complaints about you. If both parties are trying so hard to communicate then why is it so hard to hear each other?
Communication is such an important aspect of a relationship, but its also where many relationships fall apart. So what do you do when it seems like you and your other just can't get on the same page? How do you move forward? When do you just call it quits?

What would you do?

Question...what kind of ties is your man allowed to have with his ex? this question comes from the situation of a friend of mine. She's been dating this guy for a few years. I guess it should be noted that when they first got together it was strictly a physical thing. He had a girlfriend and she had other options, they just enjoyed doing their thing. They were both very comfortable with the physical relationship for about a year or so when the guy started catching feelings. So they eventually went from getting it in, to "dating". Although during this "dating" phase he never exactly broke up with his girlfriend. They still lived together, had joint accounts, had things in both of their names etc. Well the guy and his ex supposedly broke up about a year ago. However, a few months ago my friend found out he had paid up his ex's rent for 6 months and she was still driving one of his cars. When my friend asked about the situation the guys simply said, he didn't want to be dirty and just leave his ex out in the cold so he helped her out...and that was the end of it. Well recently the guy's car broke down. Naturally, my friend is thinking, well you can just drive your other car until you get this fixed right?!?! Wrong b/c the ex is still driving the other car, in fact she's had it since they broke up. So there are a few questions here, first what's worse, that he still has all these ties to his ex or that he isn't forth coming with the inforamtion to my friend. I mean he claims he hardly talks to the ex anymore, but I'd imagine there would have to be some kind of communicaiton right? If he was upfront and said "i'm doing xyz for my ex because..." would it be ok? Is there possibly still something going on with him and the ex? Are these issues worth raising in the relationship or should my friend continue to accept whatever reasoning he gives and move on? Is this level if interaction with an ex appropriate or healthy when you are trying to build something with someone new? What do you think?

Who Foots the Bill?

Question...in this modern world with the new modern woman, are men still expected to always pay for dates/activities? I hear both guys and girls talk about this a lot. According to some men, women expect to be treated all the time for dates, we expect to have our drinks purchased at the bar, we expect guys to pay for it all. And I don't really disagree with any of those. For me personally, I've never had a second thought about who was going to pay for a meal. Even when I go out with my guy friends they usually pay for the food or whatever we're doing, I don't even think of going for my wallet. Is that wrong?

Should women pay for dates, a first date, should you alternate? What's proper? I guess I've been lucky in dating guys who automatically take on this role of picking up the bill. Granted in my last relationship I would pick up the check sometimes or pay for our tickets to certain activities, etc but this was sporadic at best and certainly not an expectation of my other. In fact I remember one time this guy I was interested in asked me to lunch, we went to this simple cafeteria style spot. He was in front of me in line and paid for his food and turned and said "I'll go grab us a seat". Now of course it wasn't a problem for me to pay for my own lunch, but I will admit it was a turn off, especially since he asked me to meet him. As a general rule you always have enough money to pay for your portion of a check when going out with someone.

I do have some female friends that insist on paying for themselves when going on dates with guys, I don't really know why but they feel strongly about such things. I also know of guys that refuse to let a woman pick up the check, they feel its the "guys job" to pay for the bill. Is this an old fashioned expectation? Should the cost of dating activities be split 50/50 (or close to it)? Does it really matter?

Who's Side do you Take?

Question…who do you side with your girl or your guy? The world of relationships can become so very complex. I mean it’s a strange thing that happens when you start dating a guy. They begin to get integrated into a circle of friends that have been around for years. You begin to give them considerations that you would only give people with the utmost level of trust and confidence. Hell you begin to love them…really big deal. But what happens when the relationship between your man and one of your besties enters into the gray zone? What is the gray zone? That is when the relationship starts to border on inappropriate. Maybe they start having conversations with each other without the person knowing, maybe they start to hang out, or maybe they even begin to have feelings for one another. What do you do?

Here is the situation (real names changed for privacy). Kevin and Jamie are married and have a kid. Jamie’s best friend Sara is really close to the couple and often comes by to visit for days at a time, staying in the house with the two of them. Sara and Kevin end up becoming close, talking and exchanging IM chats with each other both with and without Jamie’s knowledge. Eventually of course the proverbial shite hits the fan when Sara sends Jamie a note saying “Kevin asked me not to come visit next month because he said he has feelings for me”. When confronted, Kevin admits he has been talking to Sara about their marital problems and they both discovered they had feelings for each other, which is why he told Sara not to come visit…what happens next. Should Jamie try to work on her marriage? Should she try to repair her friendship with Sara? Should she say screw both of those bastards?

Often in situations like these a woman will choose her man over her girlfriend. I can’t tell you how many friendships I’ve seen end over one person getting too close to the others companion. I think this dynamic is different with guys though. Isn’t the term “bros over hoes”. I believe most guys would let go of their shady girlfriend before ending a friendship with one of their boys (this however is just my opinion). It does however beg the question; why not leave both of them alone? Is it that the level of betrayal is more serious for the best friend than for the boyfriend? Are there other factors that come into play, like who came on to who? Or who told the truth about the situation first?

The Marrying Kind?

Question…what do you do if your man won’t marry you? So this morning while reading the all important facebook updates, one of my friends left a message that basically told women over 25, if you’ve been with a guy for more than 5 years and he hasn’t married you yet…he isn’t going to. It brings me to the question how long is too long? Can you really put a time limit on something like marriage? This was even discussed on the radio last week, the dj said that in his opinion the perfect time for a couple to get married is between the 2nd and 4th years of a relationship. The logic being that getting married before 2 years of dating is too soon and after 4 years if he hasn’t asked yet there is a reason and he’s never going to.

Now I do pretty much agree with the statement. If a man has been with you for years and hasn’t married you there is a reason. Granted there are exceptions, two of my aunts actually were with their men for over a decade (one 15 years and the other 11) they had children and everything without being married. But the guys eventually did marry them and they’ve been happily married ever since. So ladies, what do you do? Do you leave a decent relationship because he won’t propose to you? Do you stay with him, even move in and play the wife role without the commitment? Do you give him the ultimatum “either we’re going to get married or I’m leaving? Or do you just walk away period?

And guys, also help me understand? I know some guys that have lived with, had children with, and laid up under a woman for years and have no intention of marrying her. If she’s good enough to wake up to every day, to share your daily life, money, and bodily fluids with, why isn’t she good enough to marry? Is it fear, complacency, greener pasture syndrome? Why invest so much in a woman that you have no intention of marrying? Women why invest so much in a man that has no intention of marrying you?

Is it Possible?

Question...if a man experiments or occasionally interacts with another man, does that make him gay? This post is a result of the overwhelming information I've seen the past couple days about men that have experimented with guys in the past or men that are "gay for pay" (a la the Tyra Banks show). So its got me wondering, if you met a great guy that you really got along with and he one day confided in you that although he is completely straight he has been with men in the past. Or he still finds men attractive. Does this make him gay? Would you continue to date him?

Its interesting because most guys (not all, but most) would probably be excited or not bothered at all if their girls liked to mix it up with other girls, but I don't believe the same is true for women. So if you have a guy that meets all of your criteria, but he has or has had bi sexual tendencies...What do you do?

Even deeper than that, what if you found out your man cheated with another man or let another man give them special kisses if you know what I mean. Would it be the same as if he'd cheated with another woman? Would you be more/less upset? The one lady on the show I was watching said she's completely fine with her boyfriend doing sexy internet activities with other men, as long as he doesn't do anything with a woman. Really?

In the shows and scenario's I've encountered the past few days, they all involved men that say they are completely and totally straight. As in only attracted to women, but they have tried some loving with a guy before. Some of them were into gay porn, but had girlfriends and kids and claimed they only did it for the money. Is it possible to be straight with gay tendencies?