Out of Wedlock?

Question...What level of obligation does a man have to the mother of his child if they are no longer together. Allow me to put a little more context to this question. Lets hypothetically say that boy meets girl, boy and girl get together and have a nice little fling, eventually the romance dies shite happens and boy and girl part ways. About a month or so girl finds out she's totally knocked up. She of course tells boy and they try to find a way to get back on good terms for the sake of the baby. What obligation, if any, does the guy have to be there for the girl during the pregnancy. Are there certain things that should be a given or should he be able to decide if, when, and what he's going to do (of course the fact that he gets a choice in the matter is a luxury within itself, but that's another blog). Should the girl expect that she can depend on things like him driving her to the hospital when its time. Or having him in the room when the baby is born. Coming to lamaze classes with her. Since it is his baby shouldn't he be expected to do those things? Or is it wrong for a woman to expect such things from a man that is simply the "father of her child" and not a boyfriend or husband? What about after the fact, is it outlandish to expect the boy to take off work a few days to be "around" or maybe to stay around the first week or two to help out? I realize this subject is highly subjective, but I'm rather curious as to what you all think the "role of the BD" should be?

Disclaimer to mitigate any and all rumors before they start: This blog is in no way a representation of the poster's life. All characters, details, and situations are a pure result of my overactive mind and quest to be all deep and thought provoking. The terms "boy" and "girl" are not real names, simply nouns used to describe a male and a female (i swear, you can look it up). This blog is not in any way whatsoever a reflection of my life, nor the life of any of my friends, family, associates, monkey minions, evil robots, demon fish, or co workers. I just want your thoughts ;-)

I'm not sure about "they"

Question...Who is they? and why don't they have a name? Have you ever been in this scenario. You've been dating a guy for a while, you pretty much know his friends (either by meeting them or hearing him talk about them). Then all of sudden you guys are on the phone and he's telling you he's going to grab drinks after work with his friend, they haven't hung out in a while. That's no big deal right, but who is they? He doesn't say my friend Bob or Paul like he usually does when he talks about his friends. For some reason this friend remains nameless and genderless. So of course as any woman would you ask more questions, but the man never gives this person an identity. What do you think? Do you forget about it and move on to another subject, or do you wonder who the heck this person is and why they don't have a name. So of course you do what you do best, ask more questions. Eventually you find that "they" is another woman. Of course a harmless other woman that the man went to school with or some nonsense and happened to catch up with him on FB and "they" want to meet up in person. Now I am going to state my opinion about such a situation (because this isn't at all about me). If it were me in this sitution I would wonder why the person wasn't forthcoming with the information, especially if thats how they usually are. It would bother me that instead of just saying "hey I talked to my friend whatsherface from school, we're going to meet up for drinks after work" he had to try to avoid it. It would make me think he's trying to hide something. Now the meeting up with "they" for drinks could be totally innocent, but the simple fact that he tried to keep the person he was seeing away from me would raise some questions in my mind. So I pose the question to you, would such a scenario make you question this meeting with "they" or should it just be left alone?

Run from the Drama

Question…Will a guy turn away from a seemingly decent girl if she has too much drama in her life? So I was talking to a friend of mine about his past relationships. Much like ladies when he’s single he will talk to a number of women, as he gets to know them better certain characteristics will draw him to one girl more so than another. So he was telling me about this particular chick that he liked, but said she just had too much drama. She was cute, funny, educated, job, a lot going for herself. But during the course of their initial interaction she had issues like her car got messed up and she was going to have issues paying for it, her supervisor pissed her off in some kind of way and she thought she wanted to leave, her father died, and some other stuff happened. Now my friend is hardly insensitive, he understood that many of these things were far beyond her control and he cared, but it was just a lot to deal with in the early stages of courtship. So since he was talking to other women with less dramatic times in their lives he gravitated towards one of them instead of the drama chick. This got me to thinking about how much stuff you should reveal about your “drama” early on in a relationship. On one hand in the courting stage you want to develop the kind of relationship where you can tell the person anything and get some level of comfort when things aren’t going right, but should we be cautious not to tell too much too soon. Or is my friend just a special case? I can kind of see where he’s coming from. I mean if I met a guy and every time we talked he had another “issue” I would probably back off a little and give him time to get himself together as well. When it comes to talking to a potential is there a such thing as TMI when it comes to the dramatics life is bringing your way?

Where have they all gone?

Question…Where did all the good men and women go? This is a question I’ve heard asked my many people. Many of my male friends only want a good woman, but for some reason they just can’t find one. This is even more so the case for my female friends. The search for a reasonable man is just about as successful as the search for Bin Laden. How is it possible that all these men are searching for good women and all these women are searching for good men, but both parties keeps coming up empty handed? What’s the problem, I mean I know women (esp black women) have been accused of being too picky. I’m not sure what constitutes as being too picky, but most of us just want an employed, intelligent, interesting man, preferably with some ambition, and his own residence. I don’t think that’s asking too much. To be honest I don’t really understand why my male friends have such trouble finding women. I mean simply look at the ratio of men to women, its like a candy store of ladies to choose from. All colors and flavors out there for you. I guess it’s a matter of quality rather than quantity in this situation. But for women it’s a little different. Not as many men to choose from, crazy competition from other woman who sniff out decent men like blood hounds. If you have any preferences like gainfully employed, college educated, and interested in a serious relationship the pool gets even smaller. Understand I’m not implying there are no good men out there because I’m positive there are a decent number, they are just seemingly hard to find. However I am a woman so despite my efforts to be neutral in this, I’m a tad biased. What about this lack of “good women”. Since I’m not a guy I don’t really know what they consider “good”. But I swear every other day I meet another beautiful, smart, well spoken, single woman that would love to have a relationship if the right man would just come along. And if there are all these “good” men and “good” women looking for each other why in the world aren’t they finding each other?

Woman's Work?

Question…Do all men want a woman that cooks and cleans. I was having a conversation with a girlfriend, she and her boyfriend have lived together for a little over a year now. She works full time, goes to school part time, and they have a 5 month old baby (just a little history). For years my friend has told me that you have to cook and clean to keep a man, that’s just the way it is. This has never been a huge issue for me because I love cooking (especially for my man when i have one) and I like a clean house. But this isn’t the case for my friend. She’s not the best cook and she only wants to clean when she has too. This has worked for her for quite some time now since her boyfriend is a really good cook and keeps a clean house. The problem is now they are talking about marriage and he feels that if she is going to be a wife, she needs to learn to do more “wifely” type things like cooking and cleaning. I personally think that’s a bunch of crap, but what do I know. Anyway, she says that on nights when she comes home and cooks dinner, and straightens up the house her guy is nicer to her. So I ask, guys when it comes to long term relationships is cooking and cleaning a necessity for the woman? And if you know your girl isn’t he greatest of cooks do you expect her to make a change after you’ve got married or moved in together? Is cooking and cleaning really a “wifely” responsibility or should it be split among the two adults? I actually remember hearing a blurb on the morning news once that said married woman do like 3X as much housework as their partners (don’t quote me on the numbers) but what it boiled down to was that women do way more housework than their husbands, even if both parties had full time jobs. I do believe that in households where one party is a stay at home, there is some expectation that dinner is cooked and the house is clean. Many moons ago when I lived with my ex there was a period where he was not working and I was. There were a number of times I came home to him laying across the couch watching ESPN, house a mess, dishes everywhere, and not even an attempt to cook something. I would be highly frustrated and annoyed with this scenario. But if both parties are working full time should there be the same expectation that the woman will work a full day, come home cook, clean, and tend to the children? Do we still have that 1950 perception of what a woman’s work is?

What if he's bad with money?

Question...Do you dump a guy for being bad with money? So here is the situation. You meet a guy that's great. Sweet, fun, good personality. Own place, own car, seems to be doing well. When you guys start dating he takes you out to the nicest restaurants, plays, all types of fun stuff. You think (besides the typical issues most men have) he's a great guy. However, as the relationship goes on you realize that a lot of that wining and dining he's done for you has been on credit. In fact he has mounting credit card debt. You also find out that with his own real money, he's just barely making ends meet. So you are at the point where you can actually politely say something about the money and you inquire about the amount of debt he has or how much savings he has. When you ask these probing questions and he always has a great answer (like he's rehearsed it a thousand times) to make you think he has it all under control, but you have a sneaking feeling he doesn't. So my question is, is this reason to break off a relationship? How much intervention or probing is acceptable by the woman? Is this something they can work through? How should the woman deal with such a situation?

Does Size Matter?

Questions...Does size really matter? No I'm not talking about the size of that, I'm talking about ring size. I have a friend that is all into engagement rings. She always knew that she wanted a big ring. Part of her theory was that especially if the woman has had to put up with shenanigans during the course of the relationship, the man needs to put in some work for the ring. I've always thought that when I do get proposed to I'd just be happy with whatever ring I was given. Of course, who wouldn't appreciate an eye catcher, but ultimately it was the thought behind the ring rather than the size of it. But if you are that person that wants a rock and you get a pebble, then what? Does it mean the person loves you any less? Do you simply take it and smile or voice your concern about it? And what are the implications of that?

Are you Intimidated

Question… Are you intimidated? I was once told buy a guy that I was intimidating. We had just met actually. We were both at a party, he came over and sparked up a conversation and it was really nice. Of course the common things come up what do you do, are you in school…yadda yadda yadda. So as prompted or when appropriate I shared some of the things I had going on. We talked for quite some time and as he found out more about me and some of the things I had done in my short life he told he I was pretty intimidating. In fact he said it a few times as we spoke. Although we had a great conversation that night, we did not end up exchanging numbers that night…lol. I assume because I was a bit too intimidating for him. It got me to thinking though. Yes I have a job, yes I’m in grad school, yes I have some pretty ambitious goals, but shouldn’t those be appealing things. Since when did a driven woman become unattractive? I once dated a guy who is the only guy I’ve ever met that was more ambitious than I was and it was great. We had a bit of a healthy competition going on sometimes, not in a bad way, but we both encouraged each other to go farther and do better. It was really nice. He was never put off by anything of the things I went after. But can a powerful, successful, financially comfortable woman drive a man off these days? Is it important for the man to feel as if he is doing better, making more, or rising higher than his woman? In situations where the woman makes more money or has the more prominent career, will the man feel less than?

The Line Between "Bigger Person" and "Doormat"

Question...where do you draw the line between being the bigger person and being a doormat? This question comes from a conversation I had yesterday with a relative. We were talking about my current relationship situation. In my relationship I felt that I was becoming a doormat. In my attempts to keep peace I would simply let things go. Whenever there was an "issue" I was always the one to forgive and accept. The dynamics were far from 50/50. The person I was dealing with then in my opinion took things way too far. Since that time I've chosen to take a very firm stance regarding how I feel and what I'm not going to deal with. My relative however feels that I'm being stubborn and "stooping to his level".
She used herself and her marriage as an example. Now I think her husband can be mean and stubborn and really takes her for granted. I in no way question how much he loves her and I know that he has times where he can be very sweet, but overall he doesn't give her the level of kindness and respect she should get. She on the other hand caters to him. She calls it "killing him with kindness". She proceeded to lecture me for 45 minutes on how you must do this, especially with men who are difficult and "don't always know how to show love". I do agree that kindness is a very helpful tool in dealing with difficult people, however, I am past the point of constantly bending for a person that does not reciprocate or at the very least show some appreciation for me. I consider this being a doormat.
Maybe she has taken this stance because she's already married so she feels she's stuck. But I believe that at some point you have to demand the level of respect you want and if the person is unwilling to give it to you then the person simply risks losing you. Although this stance can sometimes hurt, I believe it to be far better than the alternative of always being a doormat (which will hurt a lot more and a lot longer if you ask me). So I ask you am I wrong, should I continue catering to someone that clearly takes me for granted or am I right to be firm and stand up for myself?

Bad Timing

Question… why is it that your other is never ready to make up when you are? This comes from an episode of SATC my friend and I were watching the other day. In the episode Carrie and Aiden got into a huge fight and she walked out of the house. After drinking coffee, writing, and chatting, she came home ready to put the fight behind her. Only to find that Aiden was still pissy, which just made her pissy again. Now this is such a common occurrence… one person is ready to start loving again, the other is still stewing in their anger. Why is that? Do men and women really just go through the cycle of emotions differently? The funny part about it is if in fact you’re ready for making up and your partner isn’t it just makes you mad all over again and surely extends the fight all together. Because not only are you pissed at what they did, now your pissed because they have the nerve to still be mad at you when they are the reason you’re fighting (at least that’s how you feel regardless of who’s fault the fight was). Is it possible to get you other on your cycle before they are ready? Or do you just have to suck it up and deal with the pissyness? What if it starts to get out of hand, I mean people begin to get stubborn (have you seen the movie the break up). It goes from being a fight to a battle of wills, the person who breaks first is admitting defeat and that cannot be done at any cost. Well I guess that’s a bit much, but you get where I’m going. So how do you get your other back in that loving feeling when they are still pissy with you?